Wednesday, April 30, 2014

April tweets of the month

Some good ones here and my twitter numbers are up. I have 257 followers at 8days2amish and follow 113. So my numbers could be higher, I’m sure, but I’m odd about whom I decide follow. First, you need to tweet regularly, but I don’t like it if you tweet too much. I follow some people that only have four or five other followers, but shun some for having tens of thousands.

I put a priority on following people who issue coherent thought and tend not to follow people who only retweet news found elsewhere.

It’s all very enigmatic.

Much like the following 63 April tweets . . .

• Can’t prove it and I'd never dream of trying it, but I'll bet I'm friends with many 50 year old men who'd fall for the "Got yer nose!" gag.

• I wonder if in the Three Stooges scripts when it called for Curly to laugh it actually spelled it out, "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.”

• If you're anything like me, it's probably been years since you've gone into what's commonly referred to as a bathroom to take a bath.

• New prisons are the only structures that require occupants break in before they can break out.

• Call me old-fashioned, but I preferred the world when there were fewer than 15 types of Pringles and just one type of Coke.

• I’m proud to say I've spent past 22 years living by my wits, but acknowledge I'm often so broke I've come to believe I'm not all that witty.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Saturday was my most humiliating book signing ever. Not a soul showed up. What'd I do? Thought about having seance! 

• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.

• I wish no ill on any being but I hope for the sake of Earth's collective cool that Paul outlives Ringo.

• Next time you hear anyone dramatically pronounce "the worm has turned!" Be sure to ask if it was considerate enough to use its blinker.

• Reaction to new phone greeting - "Hello! You have reached the wick-ed-ly talented Adele Dazeem!" - so negative must change back to old way.

• Some men succeed by digging deep into earth for precious medals. Me, I hope to succeed by having dug many tiny holes and sprinkling seeds.

#VanceMcallister wife says straying GOP congressman "wrecked her life." Not fair. If he's a GOP congressman he's wrecking all our lives.

• It would be deliciously news to ironic historians if Joan of Arc ordered steak for her last meal.

• John Doe is a pseudonym for someone lost and unidentifiable, often for medical reasons. Someone who's lost and just stupid is a John D’oh!

• If malicious hackers spread computer viruses, then what kind of person spreads computer allergies?

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• Make your every interaction with your fellow man like your life's goal is to ensure parking at your funeral will be a real bitch.

• Soon "dodged a bullet" won't be a quaint phrase about evading a challenge. It'll be the answer to the question, "So, what'd you do today?”

• Driver safety tip: I turn off the stereo and roll down the window in parking areas so I can be more aware. Unless it's a really good song. Then all bets are off.

• I’m going to spend the weekend developing a fruity superhero who shoots apple juice out his wrists. Yes, watch out! It's CiderMan!

• There’s so much noise I hope to one day evolve ear lids. Like eye lids, I could just close them in the presence of something unpleasant.

• It says a lot about our cultural confusions that caffeine free is as popular an option as free caffeine.

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• Almost every game -- golf, baseball, basketball, etc. -- would be more difficult if the balls were square.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread.

• Hunger will end when scientists discover way for chickens to lay softball sized eggs & will resume when they realize what's killing chickens.

• Tonight’s Apathetics Anonymous meeting has been canceled indefinitely due to lack of interest.

• I’d like to see Billy Joel fall in love with another top supermodel just so I could hear him sing he's in love with an Upton girl.

• The word clusterf*** is very misleading. Sounds like something we should all enjoy. "We're having a big clusterf***! Bring a casserole!”

• Can anyone explain why in San Francisco there's a big orange bridge right where everyone told me to look for a golden gate?

• I remain incredulous that "2 and 1/2 Men" is approaching 250 episodes and Arnold Palmer only got 3. Where's the cultural justice?

• My dark gift is an ability to compose texts so compelling unwanted drivers steer themselves straight off cliffs. I am for hire.

• Not sure  if shoe salesman would be criticized or praised for audaciously telling potential customers to "just put a sock in it.”

• Asked daughter, 7, how long and thin her finger will need to be if her brain ever gets itchy. Brain may not itch, but it's now busy.

• Just heard Mike Tyson describe a beaten boxer as "comatoast." Say what you want about his education, but his way makes more sense.

• For some still-bitter Beatle fans, an otherwise beautiful love song like "Woman" is ruined knowing John Lennon's singing it about Yoko.

• If marriage is so great then how come there isn't a Mrs. God?

• If we've learned anything from watching today's "Three Stooges," it is to never say, "Here! Take mine!" whenever Moe asks for a hammer.

• Another great thing about watching The Stooges: takes mere seconds to say what happened anytime someone walks in & asks what've I missed.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• I’m a writer. I write. I know a baker who bakes and a banker who banks. But can anyone tell me what the hell an usher does?

• On this Easter I salute Pope Francis and wish him long life. But I think it'd be just super if the next pope were Father Francis Mulcahy.

• Advances in meteorology mean Weather Channel forecasters will soon be able to pinpoint brainstorms, sure to change the way employers hire.

• I agree any job worth doing is worth doing right. Also true it's worth me putting it all off for months until wife gets fed up & hires a pro

• Has anyone ever researched if the CAPS key on e.e. cummings's typewriter was busted? That might explain a lot.

• I’ve never seen a duffel bag full of duffels & I’m okay with that. If it ever happens I’d never again have the guts to peek in a handbag

• If that were my kid who stowed away in a wheel well of an Hawaiian-bound flight, oh, he’d be so grounded.

• I’m delighted church Making Pope John Paul a saint, but won't be satisfied until Popes George and Ringo sanctified, too.

• It’s fun imagining how great historical figures would have looked had they worn big, militant afros. Try it with Jesus, Hitler, Mitt Romney

• Wish I could take driver's ed so when teach said, "Depress the brake," I could look at the pedal and say, "You're a brake. We step on you.”

• I don't see many other advantages, but if I were Jim Bob Duggar I'd have at least 19 more followers than I do now. #8days2Amish

• I absolutely can't stand this about myself but sometimes I find myself sitting here thinking, man, I wonder how Kate Gosselin's doing?

• I’ve cut my nose off so many times to spite my face it's no longer physically possible for me to stop and smell the roses.

• News says #ClivenBundy is from Bunkerville, Nev. More like Archie Bunkerville.

• Loud bulimics make the worst neighbors. They can never keep it down.

• If NRA's Wayne LaPierre had a male child with Sarah Palin it would be a son of a gun and a son of a . . . former Alaskan governor.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly just to stick it to The Man.

• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

Springsteen flies home on a private jet after every show. Tramps like him, baby they were born to skip long TSA security checkpoints.

• Avid spankers are the only people on earth whose ambition involves repeatedly hitting bottom.

• So billionaire racist #DonaldSterling and I have 1 thing in common: neither of us will attend another NBA game for the rest of our lives.

• I don't recall ever once seeing a gentleman in what are routinely called "Gentleman's Club." They should be called "Horny Dude Clubs.”

• Fotogs trained to snap when subject is using hands, so most news stills look like someone is bragging about size of fish he or she just caught.

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