Friday, April 30, 2021

Tweets of the last two months!

 No time to proof or pre-amble. Just two months of raw tweets ...

Have a great weekend!


• The loud, jarring phenomenon that occurs when that evening’s meal preparer tries to remove the 13th pan from the bottom of a drawer designed to hold not more than 10 is "Panvalanche." Panvalanche activity also common in sinks stacked with too many dirty dishes.

• At some point in every human life, the physical body is revealed to be the most preposterous, burdensome, inept and smelly vehicle to transport a divine soul from pre-birth oblivion to afterlife infinity anyone could ever imagine. My old Plymouth Horizon was more reliable. Less farty, too.

• I once found myself admiring the men I knew who disdained recommended Covid vaccines on the grounds that they weren't "afraid of dying." Then it dawned I was misreading the mindset. No, they weren't afraid of dying. But what truly terrifies them is living.

• How lackadaisical am I becoming? I now consider the act of me pouring milk on Lucky Charms meal prep. Anyone want to take a wild guess what's for dinner?

• An elaborate beard is one of the few traits that can grow on you even as it grows on me.

• It’s a linguistic pity the gangster flicks have so indelibly linked the words "rat" and "fink." Our descriptions could use more different types of finks. I'm thinking goat fink, ass fink, etc. I'd like to be a monkey fink!

• Families are God's way of proving we can't help the ones we love the very most.

• I wonder if God, whenever He needs a good laugh, goes back and checks out my youthful prayers for fame and fortune and marvels at my mortal simplemindedness. 

• You don't have to be a raging environmentalist to agree that any country that seeks prosperity through intensive mining is an in-dig nation.

• I wonder if the 1st caveman to shave his beard was teased by other cavemen or if they were frustrated by the understanding that it would be thousands of years before the word "metrosexual" would be coined. And I wonder if the shave drove the cavebabes wild, thus sparking a trend.

• You’d have to think being a nymphomaniac with a willing harem would take a lot out of you even as you put a lot into them.

• Which unnecessary innovation will come first: A toaster that can make phone calls or a phone that can make toast?

• Am becoming nervous about upcoming toe surgery. Told podiatrist I was getting cold feet. He said, "I can fix that," and billed me another $1,500.

• Life’s a crap shoot and here in America we’re not happy unless we're constitutionally assured everyone everywhere is entitled to shoot the crap of anything.

• Being a thoughtful dermatologist is inherent with cruel frustrations. No matter how careful one is, he or she must still make rash decisions.

• The stores we used to call "convenience" marts are now built with drive-thru windows to spare us the inconvenience of having to leave our vehicles to enter the convenience mart. Should we still be calling them convenience marts or has that become anachronistic?

• You used to be able to count on all-news networks to present you with fact-based reports on a wide range of stories. Now the major networks seem to devote most of their time to convincing viewers their competitors are involved in dark conspiracies that serve Satan's purposes. We've gone from cable news to cabal news.

• I was stuck in such a long bank line today I actually began twiddling my thumbs. It was a good long twiddle, a fine twiddle. And while in mid-twiddle, it occurred to me my thumbs are the only things I've ever twiddled. Seems a waste. Any suggestions for something else that'd be fun to twiddle? And I mean while I'm in line at the bank.

• The word "astute" means shrewd or mentally sharp. Had the people who coined a word that's pronounced ass-TOOT been shrewd or mentally sharp then astute would mean something entirely different.

• I know so few people who sleep, I propose we stop calling sleep sleep and instead call it, "(Mostly) stationary time where we recline in darkened rooms and ignore one another but the television/devices are (mostly) NOT on." Too cumbersome? I can do better. Let me sleep on it ….

• A horologist (sounds just like it looks) is expert at making watches and clocks and is consumed with all the elements of time. A whoreologist's study is built around mostly hourly increments.

• France is populated by creative, artistic and passionate men and women. So how come in my entire life I’ve never heard anyone say, “You gotta hear this really kickass French rock band!” France: Where mimes matter more than music.

• If the love of money is truly the root of all evil then I must be one of the world's most virtuous men. Money and me, we're barely on speaking terms.

• The term “psychological warfare” was coined by Nazi strategists in 1939 to describe mental manipulations meant to undermine morale, faith and allegiances. In the intervening years, countless wars have killed millions of humans and yet psychological peace isn’t even a term, much less a custom. 

• Bible says the "meek shall inherit the earth." My fear is that once all the Type-A aggressors conclude  their greedy plunder the only thing left for the meek to inherit will be an uninhabitable cinder where earth used to spin.

• Every one declaring "Justice has been served!" Has me wondering if justice left a tip …

• I’m so convinced I'll one day die of random gunfire I'm thinking of getting a bullseye chest tattoo just to give the morgue folks a good story.

• I always feel like I'm really gettin' away with something when I watch a "Mature Audiences Only" program and the smart TV doesn't explode.

•The signs were all there: Newspaper readership plunging; Magazines folding; Libraries ditching books in favor of vids. I saw all this &  what did I say: "I know, I'll become a writer!" Now we're left w/ irony of a writer who didn't read signs complaining ab't willful illiteracy.

• Call me paranoid, but I'm psuspicious any time a pso-called pspokesperson pstoops to including psilent letters in their name. It just pseems psneaky. pSo what else are you trying to hide, Jen Psaki?

• I never really thought about being a podiatrist, but I once repaired an Apple music device. I guess that makes me an iPodiatrist. 

• I’d like to see a sensational trial where a Samsonite exec is accused of killing her boyfriend, a VP at Away luggage, just to hear crime pundits say, "There's still a lot to unpack, but I think we're looking at a real open 'n' shut case here.”

• Someone will one day identify an exclusively male condition in which men convince themselves they  alone possess the virility and sex appeal to, if needed, re-populate the entire planet. These men are “egoTESTicle."

• It was a long time ago, but I still recall being a promising young writer and hearing a wise mentor say, "Kid, you're really going to go places." Some 30 years later, the only place I ever go is The Tin Lizzy. I wonder if that's what he meant. It is quite a place.

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Godfather & the importance of health to happiness. Or not

(517 words)

It is my understanding that in some convalescent settings, many of the faithful turn to prayer.

Me, I turned to Hyman Roth.

Roth was the wise Jewish gangster (modeled after Meyer Lansky) who in “Godfather II” memorably counsels young Michael Corleone on relationships, trust and how dessert cake can be used to demonstrate equality in Third World plunder distribution.

And, an enfeebled old man, Roth expounds on the benefits of good health.

“Good health is the most important thing,” he says gravely. “More than success, more than money, more than power.”

Right now, you could argue I’m oh-fer-4 on the Roth rankings.

I have little success, no money and so little power that if the stupid dog ever communicates he’d rather watch “The View” than baseball the girls will insist I forfeit the remote.

Health-wise I’m actually doing pretty good. Eight days out of surgery and still mostly homebound, the podiatrist says I ought to be traversing the 77 steps between my office and favorite Tin Lizzy barstool in 10 days.

As for the Parkinson’s, all the experts say I’m doing great. This is perfect because my plan all along is to appear symptom-free for so long all my friends begin to suspect I fabricated the diagnosis just because I crave attention.

I looked up the Roth quote to ensure precision. I wanted to understand his life priorities. They are: health, success, money and power.

If I were advising the young gangster, I’d in order list family, friends and either memories of happy times or hallucinations of happy times.

I love bein’ human, and I love human bein’s.

Unlike Roth, I take good health right off the table. Our lives are so fleeting and finite that emphasizing good health and longevity is like stressing the importance of winning the lottery.

Sure, it’s great to have in your pocket but acquiring it is largely beyond our cunning. We’re all one distracted driver from a pulse-racing helicopter ride to an urban trauma center.

My priorities, if properly pursued, will lead to scores of loved ones crowding around our death beds and — one hopes — a tidy grave drenched with appreciative tears rather than — one hopes — warm urine.

I wish I could have (for a small fee) stressed to Roth the importance of close friendships. His disregard for them wound up — spoiler alert! — getting himself  killed. 

I sense no one is right now out to kill me and that includes Val and my daughters who’ve been patient and pleasant with my needs as I gingerly seek a return to full mobility.

I don’t count my blessings. I lose count of my blessings.

The gratitude attitude never caught up to Roth. He spent his life in pursuit of illusory goals that required, literally, back stabbing and cut throats.

So men like Roth never gain an appreciation for the things that mean more to life than even stellar health.

But to paraphrase Roth’s most famous quote, “That was the business he chose.”

I’m glad it’s none of my business. 

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Thursday, April 8, 2021

Toe surgery results: Laid up!

(480 words)

I was intrigued when an hour prior to surgery my foot doctor said my toe fusion procedure is one of his favorite operations. He has favorites?

“Oh,” he said, “It’s just fun. You hammer in these little brackets and you put the little pins in. You saw some little bones.”

I didn’t realize some operations were more fun than others. Fix this. Remove that. Sure, there’s that part of every procedure when the anesthesiologist signals light’s out and it’s safe for everyone to begin taking turns evaluating the patient’s genitalia, but favorites? 

I felt reassured he was looking forward to performing my surgery and felt comfortable saying so. I wondered how I’d have felt had he expressed the inverse.

“Man, I gotta tell you, I don’t have a good feeling about this. The last one was a nightmare, blood and toenail flying everywhere. Do you want a drink? I can’t do this sober. And remind me again: Is it the right foot or the left we’re amputating? No one tell’s me nothin’ ‘round here …”

I never really thought about being a podiatrist, but I once repaired an Apple music device.

I guess that makes me an iPodiatrist.

I was under what they call “twilight” anesthesia, a state of being half asleep/half awake. It’s the state in which I’ve resided since 2000 when we became parents so I couldn’t comprehend the point.

Maybe I was just too groggy. 

They told me the operation was a success, a premature declaration meant to convey I was still alive and could still purchase my shoes in left/right pairs. 

Near-term, success will be defined by the discipline I show by remaining in the prone position with my feet above my heart.

All the time!

So after a year in which it’s been ordered I stay in my house, it’s now being suggested I not leave the bed.

I don’t know how much more inert it’s possible for me to become and still register human vital signs.

Doc says I shouldn’t put weight on my left foot for two weeks. I’m laid up!

It’s an odd designation for a man who’s under doctor’s orders to be laid down.

In two days of being laid up, I’ve watched the Pittsburgh Pirates lose two games by a combined score of 25-4. It’s mathematically conceivable I’ll have seen the Bucs get outscored 350-56 by the time I’m done with being down.

I’m blessed to have an adoring support team here that springs into action any time I yell, “Help!”

Of course, the altruistic novelty of that may begin to fade as they come to realize “Help!” in my world usually translates, “Klondike!” or “Peeps!”

It’s just my way of gettin’ down while bein’ laid up.

Thank you for all the prayers, well-wishes and offers of help.

Rest assured, my feet are in good hands.