I've been compiling these best-of lists for like 15 years now and no one not once has ever said, man, am I glad you take the time to list all those tweets 'cause I read every one of 'em.
But they're useful to me to have them all in one place.'cause you never know when someone's gonna say, "We're putting together a 'Use All The Crayons! III.' Do you know where we can find another couple thousand tweets?'"
So here you go. I call 'em wit confetti!
Take that, Socrates!
Happy New Year!
• That I can't recall ever having spent any quality time at a popsicle stand, yet have blown hundreds of them, leads me to believe I have some serious commitment issues.
• The Irish word “bejesus” is a mildly profane expression of surprise and is not to be confused with “Bee Jesus,” the latter referring to a messianic insect who can turn honey into wine and struggles to reconcile how a noted pacifist was born with the ability to inflict painful stings.
∫• If you’d have told me 40 years ago that by 2023 every man, woman & child would hold in their hands a device that could answer any question, film & watch feature movies, instantly summon any song and that they were so simple to use a child could manipulate a photo so it appeared she was riding a winged unicorn, I’d have said, “Hallelujah! For that must mean humanity has conquered climate change, racial and class injustice, and the scourge of war in places like the Middle East. Because man would never pursue those utter trivialities knowing those issues that really matter were going ignored. Because, if nothing else, mankind understands the need to prioritize!”
• Today I’m troubled by the existence of a dairy product known as Half & Half creamer. How can two halves be inside one full carton? Neither half full, nor half empty, it’s a full mingle. In what mysterious realm does dairy exist where it can defy the laws of the most elemental fractions?
• Because it’s never been done, because the media will view it as a high-wire act of literary daring, and because the ideas that most appeal to me are the ones even a fool would realize it won’t happen, my next book will be a short story where every sentence concludes with either a question mark or and exclamation point. Something like this …
• I’m going to produce a travel/foodie show about a pair of itinerant dessert lovers who travel the countryside in search only the very best circular, crusted baked goods. One will be a great big guy whose tastes are insatiable. He’s consumed by thoughts of the circular sweets. The other will be a little, bossy guy who spends most of his time trying to prevent the big guy’s appetites from getting them both in trouble. I’m calling it, “Of Pies & Men.”
• Wild Bill Hickok was known as a steady hand with a gun, an old west lawman who neither rattled nor flinched. He was not to be confused with Wild Bill Hiccup.
• Pessimists say UN global climate change panelists doing little more than fiddling while Rome burns. Optimists cross our fingers and hope at the very least they're going to create an orchestra's worth of fireproof fiddles.
• I’ve previously thought the world was about to end and people would be fearful. Today, I'm again thinking the world is about to end, but this time I'm thinking there will be a countdown clock, confetti and throngs of drunken people will be cheering. How will I overcome this malaise? Tonight I'm watching "The Muppets!”
•Until they clear up the obvious clerical error, do you think they'll let me take my Winnie The Pooh night light with me to Hell?
•Being a student of the promotional arts, I find myself wondering about what the character of the nation would be had, instead of puritanical church-goers celebrating Thanksgiving Day, America's founding settlers were swingers who celebrated (Sex Act) Giving Day.
• Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is erroneously said to be the very definition of insanity. Having to hear people say that over and over again and again is the cause of it.
• News that Icelandic volcano is erupting have me again hoping geological reporter will refer to lava as "nature's molten mucus," and that the reporter is named Ashley Firestone.
• How come Santa’s birthday isn’t a holiday? Everyone loves Santa! Just pick a date and have everyone take the day off to celebrare giving. There will be zero restraints. Everything will be pure excess. Of course with all that hoopla there’s always a chance the true meaning of Santa’s birthday will get lost. Something tells me we’ll get over that quaint notion PDQ