Friday, November 29, 2013

November, my best tweet month ever

It was about half way through the month when I realized I was on a Twitter tear. I was coming up with about seven or eight bursts of wit each day. I think it was my best month of tweets I’ve ever had. Here are about 50 November originals so you can decide for yourself.

Follo here at 8days2amish if so disposed

• News report says New Delhi discount days failing to drive sales the way experts predicted. Know what that means? Goodbye rupee Tuesday!

• Imagine how much more advanced humanity will be when we select mates based on intelligence instead of how nice one’s ass looks n tight jeans

• Seems a conflict of interest to me, but if you Google "earth" you get Google Earth.

• Big storm last night. Rained cats and dogs. Yeah, it was a real downpurr.

• In my lifetime, I’ve been in maybe 100 ranch homes, but only two of them have been on actual ranches.

• I wonder if one dimensional people have less difficulty with those hard to reach itches.

• If a trophy wife can’t be described as statuesque then she isn’t really a trophy wife.

• In the future we will live in smart structures that will shrewdly detect energy needs, flaws, security, etc. They will be Sherlock Homes.

• I have no job, no insurance, rising credit card debt. I tell ya, when it comes to nothing I got it all!

• I believe I'm a good father but I know I could be an even better one if only there were some financial incentive.

• General Sherman was right. War is hell. But without 'em, watching History Channel would be mighty boring.

• Scientists working to save dwindling bee popul. Prediction: Soon America will be over-run with swarms of super bees requiring bee bounties.

• All you need to know about the superiority of fruits to vegetables is that salads needs salad dressing and fruit being fruit is just fine.

• This is just a guess, but I'll bet llama farmers refer to llama mothers as mmamas.

• Until the league welcomes at least one single-legged player, it to me will from now on be the National Feetball League.

• Daughter, 13, loves her new Vera Bradley handbag for its colors and evident cheer. Got to admit, the thing's got pursesonality.

• Beards are becoming so popular I predict soon we’ll start to see enterprising single women massaging Rogaine into their chins.

• I like to buy used books and imagine I'm having a conversation about it with all the previous readers.

• Sometimes adult entertainment titles come unbidden to me. Just happened again: "Pornochio." Now if only I could think of an unusual physical oddity . . .

• Petty pretensions becoming so common in America I'm expecting to see bald eagles with hairplugs.

• If two of them are contact lenses, shouldn’t just one be called a len?

• Most people never wash the bottom of their feet. Here’s what I do: slop some shampoo on the shower floor and dance! Dance! Dance!

• Why are there locks on the lobster tank where I shop? If I'm a shoplifter, a live lobster is the last thing I'm stuffing down my pants.

• If they’d have lived during Roman times, Augustus Caesar would have referred to Moe, Larry and Curly in Latin as “Tribus Stooges”

• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has negative connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.

• Once they teach you to strike while the iron is hot, is there anything left to blacksmith school? Student loans must be minuscule.

• In order to generate more positive workspace vibes, I will henceforth refer to my "office" as my "onnfice."

• Leonardo Da Vinci understood how terminal velocity could allow man to fly. Fred Duh Vinci has no idea what any of that means.

• I'm all for the sneeze-in-the-elbow movement, but have to think it's been dreadful for people who enjoy square dancing.

• Instamacy is a mutual attraction so powerful it causes consenting adults to leap into bed moments after first locking eyes.

• I enjoy hanging with drunks ‘cuz you can tell same joke same way five times in one night and it’s always hilarious. Not so w/sober wife.

• It would be more accurate if Aerosmith was called Hairosmith.

• I’m pretty sure I’ll be disappointed in the answer, but one of these days I’m going to see if the nation of Turkey has a national bird.

• To many users, prescription drugs are the wheels on all the emotional baggage that help them get through life’s airports.

• If I were an eligible single man eager to get married, I'd be very discouraged by the news that Charles Manson can find a bride and I can't.

• Man, the only animal who spends most of its time stationary on its butt, is also the only animal to spend billions each year on footwear.

• I so love the word "hanky-panky" I'm devoting weekend to finding useful meanings for hinky-pinky, henky-penky, honky-ponky & hunky-punky.

• By their very definition, definitions are the most meaningful things in the world.

• In the beginning, there were no words for in the beginning.

• Can anyone explain why in San Francisco there's a big orange bridge right where everyone told me to look for a golden gate?

• Forget chicken-&-the-egg. To me the most enduring question known to man is, "Who let the dogs out?"

• Your life is all the stuff that happens between the time you’re doing all the stuff that winds up on you resume.

• Do rhetorical questions during a conversation annoy me? Yes, they do!

• Every coach and every player on every NFL team says exactly the same thing. Rejoice, America! Our football has achieved parroty!

• Can't prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France ..."

• It would be cool if Mars rover has a bumper sticker that says "If you don't like Hank Williams you can kiss my..." w/ pic of a donkey.

• I'm thinking of changing my pic to a baby shot, but not my baby shot. Like a really beautiful baby. Like baby Rachel McAdams. Who'd know?

• Lyme Disease leaves victims chronically fatigued. Lemon Lyme Disease leaves victims chronically fatigued sourpusses.

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