Monday, February 22, 2021

The story of the outhouse hibernating bear that bit the woman on her Alaskan ass

(482 words)


I felt a visceral surge of commiseration when I read an Alaska woman was bit from below as she sat pants-down on the seat of her Arctic outhouse. A neighborhood bear had been hibernating in the pit.


The woman, Shannon Stevens, said, “I got out there and sat down on the toilet and immediately something bit my butt.”


Surprise!


I’ve had days like that — and I’m talking from the bear’s POV.


You go to great lengths to secure solitude and then a stranger with crappy intentions drops in from out of the blue.


And that’s a purely metaphorical expression; the woman’s behind probably sealed off any ambient outhouse light, a rare case of a human moon causing an earth-bound eclipse.


So the bear was just defending himself. Really, Stevens is fortunate the bear didn’t shoot her — I’ll leave it up to you to craft a joke about the right to bear arms versus the right to arm bears.


I marvel at the salesmanship that convinced your average bear of the benefits of wintering in an Alaskan outhouse — in fact, in the “basement” of an outhouse.


I wonder how the bear got in there. Head first? Shimmy in?


I have the feeling that’s one man cave where if you lose the remote, well, it just stays lost.


Stevens’s brother, Erik, heard the screams and came running with his headlamp. I’m glad he was there for reasons that have nothing to do with heroism. See, the guy’s a terrific storyteller. Feast on this …


“I opened the toilet lid and there’s just this bear face right there at the level of the toilet seat, just grinning right back up through the hole, right at me,” he said. “I just shut the lid as fast as I could. I screamed, ‘There’s a bear down there and we need to get out of here right now!’ And we ran back to the yurt as fast as we could.”


I don’t know the security measures afforded by your typical yurt, but it sounds like one of those dwellings constructed entirely out of rusty screen doors.


And think of how much more harrowing this story would be had a groggy Erik gone first. Imagine him — fly down, penis dangling — lifting that chilly lid to find those gleaming teeth.


I imagine they’d have heard him scream clear through Vancouver.


In the end, it all turned okay, well, Shannon’s end’s probably still tender.


How she and her brother will ever overcome the terror-induced chronic constipation likely to result from the memories is difficult to gauge.


What became of the bear is unknown. He was gone the next morning.


Where he went no one know, but I imagine he left behind a comment card filled with offensive opinions. A real stinker.


Interested in learning more? I am.


I suggest we start by scanning the on-line reviews at BearB&B.







Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Happy 50th Birthday to these words!

 


I was 50 years old before I learned I was born the same year as the word “dipshit.”


It was like the world in 1963 took one long look at me and said, “Nope, moron, idiot and imbecile are insufficient. We need something truly loathsome yet oddly whimsical to describe this one. How about … dipshit!”


I guess I’m glad my folks named me Christopher.


I began sleuthing word birthdays about 15 years ago when I began a quest to coin a new word in the venerable Oxford English Dictionary, the first and last word on words.


I figured my shot at linguistic immortality would be easier if it involved writing one really memorable word instead of one entire book with upwards of 75,000 previously used words.


At the time I was paying $295 a year for computer access to the OED and its 730,000 — and counting! — words. By comparison, your standard old school door stop dictionary contains about 140,000. These are formidable numbers, especially when you consider the average American uses just 20,000 words.


Why would anyone pay $295-a-year for access to something so redundant and unnecessary?


For me, it was the word birthdays. OED notes the exact year words became words. I learned, for instance, that the word computer is 400 years old. Yes, before they became essential, computers were people capable of computing.


And, of course, I looked up all my favorite swear words.


I for many years compiled a list of words when they turned 50. I got away from it for two reasons. One, I was irrationally insulted to learn the OED linked my birthday to a word as coarse as dipshit:  “n. A stupid, inept, or contemptible person; an idiot.”


It was like paying for a hooker and having her joke about your genitals.


I imagine.


Plus I learned you didn’t need to pay OED $295 a year if you had one valid library card. I at the time had four. 


I know what you’re thinking …


“Dipshit!”


But I thought on this day of hope and new beginnings it would be fitting to revive (1553) a tradition (1637) as a way of saluting (1450) the inaugural (1689) festivities (1604).


Cheers (1915)! 



airhead — I prefer airheads to cementheads, but believe density is winning.


Amtrak — If I had my way, I’d take an annual family trip on the train. Just love it.


• Anti-racism — Just 50 years old. It’s sure given racism (1850) a head start.


Archie Bunker — “A man whose background, outlook, and behaviour are likened to those of the television character Archie Bunker, esp. a blue-collar worker having (and vehemently expressing) views considered ignorant or bigoted.”


B and D — Bondage and Discipline. Never heard of it. Not into it


biker bar


bong — Bong turns 50 … far out!


cock-blocker 


• Deadhead — Maybe my best line: “If fans of the band The Grateful Dead are called Deadheads, what does that make those of us who revere the book “Moby Dick?”


double album — This one warms my heart. Getting a great double album — “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” “Exile on Main Street” — was to me like becoming a father before I became a father.


• fart-catcher —“n. A servile assistant or follower; a lackey, a hanger-on.” Oh, how I wish my situation allowed for me to introduce someone as my fart catcher.


homophobe — I like what Morgan Freeman said: “It’s the wrong word. You’re not afraid of anything. You’re just an asshole.”


Jive — Seeing the word always makes me think of “Airplane!” the uproarious 1980 flick where Barbara Billingsley translates the jive of two-black passengers.


light beer -- "Keeping beer loving spouses svelte since 1971!"


multiplex — I fear these will go away next.


omnisexual — “Involving, relating to, or characterized by a desire to engage in sexual activity with everyone, or with all kinds of people; practising or tolerant of such activity. Also: sexual in all or many ways.” Sounds exhausting.


pimpmobile


• punk band


recycle bin — In what is to me one of life’s great ironies, most recycling bins are non-recyclable.


• solar farm


spoiler — I thought this was much younger. Like 1992 when “The Crying Game” premiered.


stoner — I love spending days with stoners right until you wake up the next morning and find them snoring on your couch.


stun gun — I wonder if the first ads boasted these non-lethal weapons would eliminate street crime.


username


weather woman — Ought to be a superhero.

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Laughter on a day of screams


(584 words)


On a day when so many chose to scream, I spent the morning with a woman who couldn’t quit laughing.


She laughed when I said hello. She laughed when I told her what I wanted her to do to me. And she laughed when I thanked her for the job she did with her hands.


As you can probably guess, I wouldn’t be sharing this story if I’d feel compelled to declare she laughed when I took my pants off.


Kylie wasn’t my hooker.


She was my hair stylist.


I say that like my hair has the capacity to still be styled.


Those lustrous days are behind me, as is my bald spot. I used to be able to count ion really great hair. My hair used to have my back. Now I have back hair


Now, it’s thinned on the front, top and back. Its betrayal is near complete.


Talk about sedition.


I was in a good mood as I walked into the chain salon, something that always seems to snip what remains of my masculinity along with my stray hairs. I was raised to believe real men get their hair cuts from real men, preferably real Italian men, big boisterous storytellers who when they leaned in smelled like they’d been marinated in garlic Old Spice.


But out of convenience and in shame I roll the dice and go to one of the chain salons.


I said I was in a good mood and that’s true.


News was breaking that Georgia had made U.S. Senators out of a black preacher and a Jewish investigative news reporter.  I don’t know what these Dixie voters can do to surprise me next. 

Maybe elect Tinky-Winky from the old Teletubby kiddie show.


So I had a little spring in my step.


This was in contrast to four years ago when I was in a foul mood.


My side had lost.


I was downtrodden. Forlorn. Bereft. I vowed to take action. That meant get out the vote. Not just me. I’m talking getting my mother and father to vote, too, which wasn’t as easy as it sounds because Mom and Dad have been dead for years.


I wonder if Kylie would have laughed at that stupid joke. I suspect so. I imagine things like AM radio farm futures reports funny.


I wasn’t even being funny. I was just there for a fast haircut and some light banter.


What I got was about 10-minutes with a human laugh track. It was pure joy.


People pay hundreds of dollars to top comedians in the hopes they’ll say things  to make them laugh. I contend there’s an untapped fortune to be made by people who can appear soulfully sincere laughing at the things we say.


Who doesn’t want to feel like they’re funny?


The cut cost $14. I gave her a $20 and told her to keep the change. She was noticeably surprised. She must not get many $6 tips.


It was worth it. Being around someone that sunny made me very happy.


It fortified me for later in the day when I saw all those self-styled constitutional scholars tearing apart a place so sacred to democracy.


So much anger and destruction resulting in nothing.


I confess now that I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to divine a comical conclusion to this folly and failed.


So a story that at heart is about giggles ends up being no laughing matter.

And that’s a cryin’ shame. 



Thursday, December 31, 2020

Tweets of the Year! ... No, really!


 I don’t know which of the two endeavors is more psychotic — haphazardly compiling a year’s worth of tweets or feeling compelled to read them. In fairness, I know of no one who admits to reading them. Maybe I should give away “I Survived 8days2Amish Best Tweets List.” It would be cool if I did and paparazzi snagged a shot of Melania wearing one on the beach …


Happy New Year! 





• You can play a mean bluegrass banjo or country fiddle here on earth & it won't matter one bit. Once you get to heaven, everyone's in a soul band.


• It’s a brazen betrayal of the sturdy container's very existence but most recycling bins cannot be recycled.


• I once imagined my life would include an era of depravity where I reveled in the dark cravings of the sordid flesh. Alas, the time for such wanton behavior has passed. Today, my idea of depravity is eating ice cream before lunch in a room where my wife and kids can see me.


• Many devote their lives to the pursuit of riches and power. I'm on a quest to rid my life of envy. I fear I'll always be envious of the envy-free.


Just once, I'd like to be in the clinic and hear the tech declare, "I'm here to draw blood!" have her don a beret, produce an easel, scribble furiously and hand me a paper with every spot covered in crimson red.


• I sometimes wonder if heaven is like "Fantasy Island" and God is like Mr. Roark. Then I wonder if the mere thought is sufficiently blasphemous to prevent my soul from ever finding out.


• When you order at the drive-thru do you make eye contact with the speaker like this disembodied voice will give you better service? Me? I flirt.


• Astronomers calculate Earth is 92,960,000 miles from the sun. I stepped outside today and I swear it feels more like 92,960,002.



• I was deeply flattered the other day when my daughter, 19, asked me for some life advice but am self-aware enough to realize that if I was anyone else and saw her asking me for advice, I'd think, "What could she possibly hope to learn from that jackass?”


• As a student of history, it's my understanding that man has waged war over injustice, territory, greed, vengeance, pride, and even reasons as petty as national vanity. As a student of breakfast, I'm surprised man has never waged a war over bacon. I'd enlist.


• Quid pro quo is one thing for another. More alarming in a legal sense is eight things for another or the rare squid pro quo.


• I used to make prognostications but I was so wrong so often I predict it'll never happen again.


• I wonder where the strangers who appear in our dreams go when we're awake and if they sleep in that place and have dreams that include people like us.


• Those who say they've lost everything and have no where to go but up often ignore the depth of a grave.


• Every four years I'm forced to overcome the confusion over whether Dixville Notch is an electorally significant New Hampshire village and not some anatomically precise porno jargon.


• I don't understand the need for the redundant spelling of tsetse fly. Is there a tse fly or a tsetsetse fly from which it needs distinguishing? Really, I don't tse the point.


• Most people confuse being opinionated with being correct. Just because you say something in a loud voice absent doubt doesn't mean you're right. Of course, that's just my opinion.


• ”Titanic" concluding now on AMC. I like the subtle irony of a movie where a painter gets framed and a woman whose name sounds like "ROWS" is hauled into a lifeboat and given an oar.


• Be honest: How much 'living' do you do in your living room? In fact, it should be called the "watching room" or, worse, the "ignoring-your-loved-ones room.”


• I wonder if any of the forward-thinkers at PETA have game-planned a pro-active position paper anticipating Jurassic scenarios where the organization defends the dinosaur's absolute right to roam free in the cities and the countrysides.


• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.


• It infuriates me when I realize I'm 57 and my idea of a really great day is one that involves me finding a quarter. 


• The word quarantine refers to a period of time spent in isolation to determine healthfulness. It has been in use since the 15th century. The word Qur'antine refers to a period of isolation spent converting to Islam. It's been in use for about a minute.


• It’s heartening to see so many people being kind, encouraging and working toward shared goals. The pity is it always takes the world coming apart to bring people together.


• If they gave the death sentence for killing time could you live forever? 


• Podiatrists with empty appointment calendars are light on their feet.


• I guess I can understand the rationale, but it's still jarring. Wikipedia lists Charles Manson's occupation as "singer-songwriter" and he is thus in their eyes professional peers with Taylor Swift.


• I’m amazed to learn germs can jump nearly 6 feet. This would be remarkable if germs had legs. But they do not. How do they do it? Six feet! It would be like me broad jumping from here and landing in Denver. ESPN ought to organize germ olympics. I'd watch.


• Irony of living in these uncertain times is how so much uncertainty could produce so many who are absolutely certain they're never wrong


• Reading newspapers on-line is to reading actual newspapers what phone sex is to lovemaking. Gone is the soul, the serendipity and chance to get your hands good and dirty during the touchy endeavor.


• People are critical of hoarders and those trying to make an indecent profit off their stash, but to me it makes perfect sense. The biggest assholes are always going to need the most toilet paper.


• How many of you would take a pill that would prevent coronavirus but had one side effect: It would completely & emphatically change your opinion on Trump. That is, if you love him, you'd now viscerally & vocally detest him. And vice versa. I'll bet most of you couldn't do it.


• How unsettling will it be to your faith if Jesus returns Sunday, but he's wearing one of those HAZ-MAT suits?


• I think we're fast approaching a day where safe sex is all safe and no sex.


• I always chuckle at the inaccuracy when I hear people say the world can be cruel. Sillies, the Earth is inanimate and does not have emotions so Earth is never cruel. Earth is indifferent. Now Earthlings …


• And while we're at it, how come we're Earthlings instead of Earthians, ala Martians. I know of no equivalent. No Pittsburgherlings. No Frenchlings. Earthling sounds like the name for a captivity-bred panda


• I’m going to install a trampoline in the bathroom so when I announce I'm going to jump in the shower I can really -- oh, just forget it!


• Some projections maintain coronavirus self-quarantine could last another interminable 18 month. Months, days & endless hour after endless hour ... still not enough time to make me ever want to sit through "The Irishman" again.


• Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride. How come something collectively referred to as "The Seven Deadly Sins" simultaneously check all the boxes for one really lively party.


• I refuse to be swept up in cynicism. I believe our best days remain ahead of us. The arts will flourish. Poverty and injustice will be vanquished & humans will enjoy an era were reason prevails. There will still be conflict, but in the future our wars will be fought with farts.


• I try and see the reason behind decisions I don't understand and believe even in divisive issues people with whom I disagree are acting in good faith. But when I hear someone - anyone - prefers regular Oreos over Double Stuf, I'm like, "What are you? Some kind of #%&*! idiot?”


• I’m buoyed by the fact that given our access to social media, prop pets/babies and our innate creativity then if we're destined to slide into another depression future historians will dub this The Cheerful Depression.


• Wonder if guys in heaven talk about earth bodies the way they talk about old cars: "It was bald, had a great big ass, tiny li’l pecker but, man, the thing got great mileage.”


• We live in a time when being right or being wrong matters less than always having someone to blame when it all goes to hell.


• Conservative whites who become livid when wished Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas think blacks over-reacting about unarmed blacks getting murdered by conservative whites.


• I remain baffled that the tasteless phrase "wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers" persists. I've never encountered a gent so refined as to ask any cracker-eating female to leave his bed once she got in. In fact, if there were two willing women and one had crackers and the other did not, and he had to pick one or the other, guaranteed, most men would invite the one with the crackers to get in. Lesson: if you're a woman prone to promiscuity always, just in case, keep a sleeve of crackers handy.


• I awoke from a dream it was the night before when I'd awoken from a dream it was the night before. Now I'm confused about what day it is, if I'm asleep or awake or if I exist at all. I'd ask fellow quarantinies to pinch me but fear inviting violence could escalate …


• There’s something so unnerving about being engaged in a life-and-death struggle against an enemy our soldiers can't confuse or infuriate with a well-timed moon.                                                                                                                                                        


• People strum guitars. A guitar is an inSTRUMent. Which word came first?


• Leonardo da Vinci said, “The  human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art.” Given the scope of his admirations it’s surprising his most famous work is Mona Lisa and not Mona Lisa’s feet.



• I’m a law-and-order guy who believes not until all the laws are equitably applied to all the people can true order ever be enforced or expected. 


• Any man who says he's his own worst critic is either single or delusional.


• I’d like to hear a canine translation of what dogs say to other dogs when they discuss how humans package food. "So she left this box of Pop Tarts on the table. I jump right up there, but the Pop Tarts are wrapped in foil that's inside pressed cardboard. I was so pissed. I mean, what do you do if you need a Pop Tart, like, right away?”

.

• Daughter, 14, expressed an interest in becoming a songwriter. I approved saying writing songs -- good songs --will bestow ways to cope with all life's problems. Then I disapproved because writing songs -- good songs -- has a way of bestowing all life's problems.


• Foot Facts — The average person takes between 8,000- and 10,000 steps a day. That adds up to 115,000 miles in a lifetime — four  times the circumference of the globe. Question: if for one day we all together walked toward the rising sun, could we reverse time?


• Many are saying they're avoiding social media. Too divisive. Not me. I check it every 10 minutes to see how many more of my jackass friends used the 10-week quarantine to become constitutional scholars.


• Do you remember when your biggest concern was that some minimum wage grocery store clerk would benignly wish you Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Ah, the good ol' days …


• In heaven, all the cakes are angel food. Heck, when you get right down to it, in heaven even things like Cheetos are angel food.


• Proper mimes can be safe, but never sound.


Q: If they fought a battle between all the FB friends you genuinely like and all the ones you secretly don't, who'd win?


A: No one. It’s a trick question. You should genuinely like ALL your friends!



• Happy #bobbybonilladay. It was Bonilla, a Pirate in '91, who inspired one of the all-time great perspective quotes from Bucco manager Jim Leyland. Bonilla said $24 million offer wasn't enough and he had to "take care" of his family. Leyland said, "Hell, for $24 million he can take care of Guam.”


• Our greatest frustrations stem from when we demand perfection from those incapable of providing it.


• Because we're all under some pressure to balance the language and be more even handed, I intend to spend the day thinking of whom I can accurately describe as a "daughter of a bitch." Then I'm going to start working on a book I'll call "Famous Sons of Famous Bitches!" 


• I almost made the mistake of responding to a friend's sweet compliment by declaring she's " too kind." Too kind? In a weary world where many people are mean from their toes to their teeth, no one can ever be "too kind." From today on, I bask in any surplus kindness. Bring it!


• America being torn apart over removal of Confederate statues. What's next? Will Germans commence removal of all their Hitler park statues? 


• When I see the family wreckage that often results from excessive money and the resulting greed, by God, I'm proud to be poor. That feeling persists right up to the moment the Xfinity bill arrives. 


• There must be a baker's equivalent to "piece of cake" that is not "piece of cake." Because if a baker says something is going to be a piece of cake and shows up with a pie instead he could be accused of loafing -- and don't get me started on bakers who loaf.


• Congratulations Facebook, now entering your 17th year of letting the most reckless among us to ascribe the worst of our political enemies to people we once considered our best of friends.


• You saying, "Now, I'm not a racist, but ..." and then saying something incredibly racist is like me saying, "Now, I'm not lazy, but ..." and immediately laying down to take nap.


• I encourage everyone to wear masks because they'll reduce the spread of germs that make people sick. Next, we'll encourage many of you to wear muzzles because they'll reduce the spread of your obnoxious opinions that make people sick.


• At one time and to even the leading scholars of the era, even The Dark Ages were considered "Modern Times." 


• I’m at first gratified that today in America we are taking meaningful steps to end racial inequality, but then become incredulous when I realize it's 2020 and America today is 244 years old.


• In 1996, Tom Petty and Johnny Cash, two icons worth a combined $190 million, came together to make an album called "Unchained." That they didn't call it "Petty Cash" is to me a bitter disappointment


• So, the Invisible Man eats a visible hoagie. At what point in the digestive process does the hoagie disappear?


• ”... and on the seventh day, He rested." See, God may have created Heaven and Earth, but in His infinity wisdom He knew better than to create a lawn that would need mowing every Sunday.


• The world will be better off if we get away from TVs that have 1,000 channels with 20 that broadcast news 24/7 and get back to TVs that have 20 channels with one that seems to broadcast Gilligan 24/7.


• I do not like eating outside. I do not like heat. I do not like noise. I do not like sharing my meal with things that sting. History lesson: Outside is the reason man invented inside.


• It’s rare to find an ice cube that's actually cubic. In fact, most ice is rhombus shaped. It's ironic, but saying ice rhombus wouldn't sound cool even though it's all ice ... Had to get that off my chest.


• I know it's unrefined for someone who aspires to sophistication of manners, but I sometimes wolf down my meals. My daughters are far daintier. It's more like they poodle theirs down. "Poodle Down!" would be a great name for some don't ask/don't tell military rom-com.


• It’s entirely possible to kick a squirrel right in the nuts and hurt only his feelings. Hers, too.


• This election is convincing me the first time many Americans will believe in science is when it is applied to the lift-off that takes them safely away from this planet which through their neglect and indifference has become an uninhabitable cinder.


• The new Rt. 30 Sheetz near Latrobe is being constructed so quickly I wonder if the bread'll have enough time to get properly stale.


• When even the mundane are deemed worthy of demonization Hell itself becomes pedestrian.


• Perspective: as godawful as 2020 has been, guaranteed, in 2041 our travails will be one paragraph in school history books that'll be boring future students. That is assuming 2020 doesn't take a really dark turn that'll mean 2041 never happens.


• Because it would suggest modernization and would require the change of just a handful of letters, I suggest we change the name of the Walter Reed Army Medical Center to the Walter O'Reilly Army Medical Center.


• I would think one of the most difficult things in nature would be being a praying mantis and trying to explain to your parents that you've lost your faith.


• I admit to feelings of wistfulness over not having sired a son. These feelings pass when I realize a son would by now be asking me, "Daddy, would you help me secure my man bun?" And to my everlasting shame I'd feel obliged to assist.


• Sure this all sucks, but #LookingontheBrightSide, it's sure to yield great movies and books for the survivors to years from now enjoy. Remember: without the global cataclysm of WWII, we never would have had "Saving Private Ryan.”


• Jeff Bezos is worth $178.8 billion. You and I are, well, worth less. But there'll be hell to pay if I ever catch anyone saying we're worthless.


• Fancy shaving ads about ease of accessing those "hard-to-reach" places crack me up. Hard to reach? I'm shaving my face, not the gnarled butt of some Mongolian yak 20,000 feet up the Himalayas.


• The people who make so-called Mega Stuft Oreos suffer from a serious lack of imagination.


• If Spring is when Mother Nature puts on her make-up, then Fall is when she starts climbing into her coffin.


• Told daughter, 14, Eagles "Hotel California" was originally going to be called "Hotel Pennsylvania" but The Golden State came up with tax breaks to secure naming rights. Her scornful reaction made me nostalgic for the days when daughters would fall for any line of crap.


• I’d like to know the first words of souls arriving in Hell when their last words on Earth were, "Goodbye cruel world!”


• Speculators envision a day when toilet paper is traded like coffee, milk or other commodities. They are mistaken. Toilet paper cannot become a commodity. Toilet paper is a commode-ity.


• If I labored in the janitorial services and spent a lot of time scrubbing toilets I'd spend a lot of that time wondering whose bright idea it was to make every toilet gleaming white. Isn't there maybe a better color, one that matches fixture functionality. Like maybe say, oh, I don’t know ,,, brown?






Tuesday, December 29, 2020

December Tweets of (most of) the Month

 



• This (above) is what happens when I get paralyzed by fashion and can't decide which shoes go with which pants and which socks go with which shoes and ...


• Remember: Just cause this year's been one of the worst ever can't stop this Christmas from being one of the best ever. Of course, it may require a lot more liquor than usual …


• How can conspiracy minded-people attribute the most dastardly, diabolical and cunning motives and acts to the very same people they deride on Facebook as being utterly inept at doing things like plowing roads?


• Enlightened man wrestled with existential question: "To be or not to be?" Pandemic man's question is more elemental: "Pick-up or delivery?" That is the question …


• Some Covid vaccine must be preserved at minus-90 degree Fahrenheit. I stepped outside this morning and thought, "Yep, we're just about there …"


• What if one of the unforeseen vax side effects turns out to be that recipients become more empathetic, tolerant & appreciative of their fellow man? How many would refuse on grounds they prefer being miserable bastards?


• Vax manufacturers preparing an estimated 240 million doses with essential health care workers first up getting the first 1.4 million.  My question: What's the job description of the least essential worker in USA? Drunken blogger? #LastPicked


• The assumption may be based on a flawed premise, but I have to believe if Moses had had to deal with fan selfie demands today we'd only be concerned with The Five Commandments.


• Given the geometric considerations of the circular dwellings, I marvel at how Eskimos during tough times ever make ends meet. How is it possible to cut corners when you live in an igloo?


• If I were God there'd be no war, no injustice -- and every snowflake would be an identical smiley face! Who am I kidding? If I were God, there'd be no snow!


• Because I'm convinced humanity is in a downward spiral of accelerating madness, I predict in 18 months startled doctors will reveal that 40 percent of males who've taken the Pfizer vaccine have inexplicably become pregnant.


• Anytime anyone asks you for an idea for the perfect stocking stuffer, suggest feet.


• Hooray for editors! If it weren't for them, Santa could easily become Satan.


• I’d like to see a show with an appreciation for literal wording ends the season with a cliffhanger where a character named Cliff ascends the gallows and gets placed in a noose.


• How can conspiracy devotees attribute the most dastardly, diabolical and cunning motives and acts to the very same people they mock on Facebook as being utterly inept at doing things like plowing snow-covered roads?


• In striving to be all inclusive and non-confrontational during the War on Christmas I will henceforth wish people a Happy ALLidays. I want people of ALL beliefs to enjoy ALL holidays. Soo ... Happy ALLidays!