Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My Tweets of the (last) Month!

Just when I think the part of my brain that comes up with worthy Tweets is empty, I fire off a batch of gems that convinces me my @8Days2Amish followers are going to multiply like Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar with an hour to kill.

Hasn’t happened yet.

But I’m pleased when I can look back on the last month and think, yeah, that’s how it’s done.

Some good ones here, by my humble standards at least . . . 

• How come doctors don't prescribe laughing gas for patients in "serious" condition?

• Must have taken a generous soul to coin the phrase mankind. I've been awake just two hours and I've seen nothing but evidence manunkind.

• Gorilla marketing differs from guerilla marketing in that for the former people go absolutely apeshit.

• The romantic in me still sometimes wonders if Barnacle Bill the Sailor ever found true love.

• Loud bulimics make the worst neighbors. They can never keep it down.

• Print ads for Wreck-Less Insurance, Wreck-Less Airlines and Wreck-Less Student Driving might work, but airing radio ads would be reckless.

• Wife said she wants to take the kids to see "Oz" in the theaters this week. Horrified, I asked if that was the HBO one with Schillinger.

• I'm going to spend the weekend developing a fruity superhero who shoots apple juice out his wrists. Yes, watch out! It's CiderMan!

• Someone ought to name their kid Serious. He say wild things and when people asked, "Are you Serious?" he could say, "Yes, how do you do?"

• Uniformly calling drink ice "cubes" is a geometric insult. My bourbon is right now being chilled by ice rhombus. Or is it ice rhombi?

• Every time I hear Bruce Springsteen singing his '09 song "Surprise Surprise," I imagine it being sung by Gomer Pyle.

• Waste of time to tell people, "Have a nice day!" More practical to advise, "Remember to duck when you hear the gunfire!"

• What you go through to win a Kid's Choice Award is just another reason I don't write for kids.

• Remember: a good mime can be safe, but never sound.

• That insane isn't more accurately outsane is making me kind of crazy.

• Quitting your day job to write books has never been a truly novel idea.

• Marketing gurus tell me my plans for a matchmaker site www.ChristianFornicators.com are doomed.

• If news reports are correct, Michelle Bachmann Turner Overdrive ain’t been taking care of business.

• I figure Singapore would be a great place for an international dermatological convention.

• Earth is the last place anyone will ever hear the question: Friend or foe? In heaven, it’ll be, “Friend or lover?” In hell, “Foe or in-law?”

• Pope washing feet of women prisoners another indication he's starting off on the right foot. Unless he did the left first.

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