Monday, March 30, 2015

March tweets of the month

I introduced a new feature on @8days2Amish about two weeks ago: It’s the “Near-Daily 3,” a blast of three blog stories on a related topic such as, “Grooming,” “Dogs,” or “Baseball.” It’d been “The Daily 3” for about three days straight, then I skipped a day and felt obliged to change the title. So far, it’s done nothing to increase the number of followers, a perennial frustration of mine, but it has driven up the blog numbers.

So check out these. Hope you like ‘em and will follow if you’re into that sort of thing. 

• Levi Strauss was a jeanius

• For reasons of justice, environmental improvement & pure symmetry, I think any hedge fund managers convicted of misdeeds should fund hedges.

• Most people who blow their own horn never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. They just blow.

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton.

• Historic villains like Hitler should have their audio books like "Mein Kampf" read by guys who do voices for things like "Winnie The Pooh.”

• My handwriting is so bad I’m going to begin signing all my checks with a big shaky “X” to see if it makes any difference.

• I believe with my whole heart in a color blind society, but I fear what the result’ll do to our nation’s sock drawers.

• I’m one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble believing God could ever believe in me.

• I’m not going to folo you just because you folo me & promise more paid foloers. If I pay for relationship, it'd better involve sex.

• I find it difficult to be grammatically proper on these dreary days. I fear I have Seasonal Effective Disorder.

• I wish only important people had smart phone and I got to decide who's important and who's not. Same goes for driver's licenses!

• Harrison Ford crash landing his plane on a golf course is the most exciting thing to happen on a golf course since Tiger ’09.

• Being fair & balance, I'm sure Fox News is right now preparing an Obama rebuttal suggesting right to vote for blacks be revoked. #Selma50

• I’m surprised there's not a residential security firm that calls itself Sure-Lock Homes.

• Saw a friend I hadn't seen in 30 years. He said I looked great. Even the paunch? Yes. He said it gave me gravitas. More like gravy-tas.

• How come people deemed in "serious" condition don't get treated with laughing gas?

• I know it’s dishonest, but I find it irresistible to run into crowded rooms to yell, “Dick Cheney’s gonna be on ‘DWTS!”

• Hoping Belichick an eventual character witness for Aaron Hernandez & breaks down on stand after telling a story about a boy and his puppy.

• I remain amazed "beer" & "mirror," words with just one letter in common, are near-perfect rhyme. Beer, is there nothing you can't do?

• In the future, suspicious parents will be able to purchase smart pants for kids that will ignite when the pants detect the youths are lying.

• The parents of the North and South Poles can never use the tried 'n' true line, "The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.”

• I figure Singapore would be a great place for an international dermatological convention.

• How come the words work and fork don't rhyme, but beer and mirror do?

• I wonder if one dimensional people have an advantage when it comes to those hard to reach itches.

• I’ll bet folks working in the hardware store have contests to see who hears the word "doohickey" most each week.

• Any time I hear Secret Service agents are in hot water I think it's a jacuzzi. 

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities.

• Spanker devotees spend their lives in the pursuit of slappiness.

• I wish elected officials would stop quoting "Art of War" author Sun Tzu and start quoting Fred Rogers.

• What the plastic surgeons won't tell you: Smiles are facelifts, too.

• Oppressed groups making strides in equality. When, at long last, will somebody do something about the long-suffering succotash? 

• I believe in the next six months, the combined age of the Rolling Stones (251 years) will finally exceed their combined weight.

• John Doe is a pseudonym for someone lost and unidentifiable, often for medical reasons. Someone who's lost and just stupid is a John D’oh!

• A woman named Bristol marrying a man named Meyers sounds like what you'd get if you had a woman named Proctor marry a man named Gamble.

• A spritely Irish elf is a leprechaun. A 3-card scam that ends up with a whole hand on the table is a leper con.

• I’d like to see how a proctologist responds when angry patient tells him bill's too high and he knows what he can do with it.

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• I wonder if there’s graffiti on the outside walls by the pearly gates and if it says things like, “Angels suck!” and “Satan No. 1!”

• A long marriage is a terrific antidote to excessive ego.

• Most people who blow their own horns never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. Hence, they just blow.

• I think solar plexus is some exciting new kind of renewable energy, but something in my gut tells me I'm wrong.

• Can’t prove it and I'd never dream of trying it, but I'll bet I'm friends with many 50 year old men who'd fall for the "Got yer nose!" gag.

• Must be difficult for 8th grd boys to gauge proper reaction when serious doctors inform them they have a condition pronounced ASS-burgers

• Which is more surprising: That anyone follows news or that anyone who follows news is ever brave enough to step outside.

• Any time police are said to be combing crime scene for evidence, reporters should be required to describe situation as “hairy.” 

• For consistency’s sake, we should either begin spelling Raleigh Rolly, or jolly jaleigh.

• Technological improvements in target accuracy mean that most missiles today are hitles.

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