What good is Twitter? Dunno. But here're my monthly best!

After quarterly reports disappointed, Twitter CFO Anthony Noto said a nimble explanation of what Twitter does or why anyone needs it remains elusive. I’ve tweeted 4,685 times and I have no idea either. Still, I enjoy twitter and the platform eliminates the need for me to write all this stuff on some dingy bathroom wall, the otherwise logical destination for these sort of things.

You’re welcome to follow me @8days2Amish or you can just keep checking out the blog. I’ll make sure you won’t miss any of the good stuff.  

• The preamble to the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple . . ." 

• Rejection & humiliation are challenges we can use to either defeat or fuel us. If true, I have enough fuel to drive my Saturn to Pluto.

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover.

• Another problem of mine is anytime I get a real train of thought really rolling the conductor always behaves like he’s shitfaced.

• Given trends against public transportation and for finger pointing, at any given time more people are likely to be under the bus than on it.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• Ham radios will be more popular when ham radios are made from ham.

• Many good people in church praying God will change world & bound to spend week ignoring all their god-given abilities to change the world.

• The inertia of summer laziness means my entire ambition this week is focused solely on finding a sensible reason to use "kowtow" in a lead.

• I wish I had friend who spoke just like Arby's commercial guy & I wish he used same enthusiasm & inflection to call about golf.

• I wonder how the world would be different if Noah'd had a fly swatter. 

• When you break it down, padlock is a pretty groovy name for an item that can be used to lock your pad.

• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my pits

• #hashtag, you're it!

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• If they were made today, each of the comedy shorts would have disclaimer, "No Stooges were hurt in the making of this film." 

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Fighting an alien impulse to vanquish boredom by announcing I'm the father of Bristol's new baby.

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they inform patients they've just had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Try and do at least one thing this week that will blow your hair back and allow you to say, “Wheeeeeeee!!!"

• I’m glad the people in medical world allow the rest of us to call what they know is the umbilicus our belly buttons.

• Stephen Hawking to spend $100 million to find alien life. Trump to spend that much keeping it from crossing our Southern border. 

• She’s been cagey about not criticizing him. I think a certain former Alaska guv is preparing Trump/Palin '16 bumper stickers

• What umbrella alterations will be necessary in the next Sharknado?

• ”London Bridges Falling Down" is a popular nursery rhyme. London britches falling down is a sartorial scandal of epic proportions.

• NASA 8.8 billion planet discovery means the phrase “men are from Mars/women from Venus” may one day be less metaphorical.

• Because I believe in the well-being of my fellow man, I'll no longer say, "Have a nice day!" From now on, it's "Duck when you hear gunfire!”

• If I've learned anything from watching TV today, it's to never taunt Moe when he has a board glued to his hands.

• What would the repercussions for humanity be if aliens landed and said "Take me to your leader," and the greeter took them to Trump?”

• People always say, "Ah, kids grow up so fast." Not all of of 'em. I'm 52 and it still hasn't happened to me.

• Can’t prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France …"

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I'm fine with Mexicans. 

• Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself. Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself.

• Does anyone know how disable the app that causes my phone to ring in another room 90 seconds after my butt hits the toilet seat?

• We live in a time when never before have so many unhappy people had the ability to appear joyously otherwise. Thank you, Facebook!

• NASA deserves ridicule for saying there are 8.8 billion Earth-like planets. Wrong! None of them have Trump!

• Infuriates me knowing I could get into a you-think-you're-better-than-me contest with Ashton Kutcher and he'd win.

• I dreamt I called Lynne Cheney a bitch last night. Now, I'm afraid if I go to sleep, Dick Cheney is going to waterboard dream me.

• Reading Atticus hates blacks would have same effect as seeing "new" “Lone Ranger” episode where Masked Man says Silver sucks.

• Harper Lee a victim of Murdoch's elder abuse. And here I thought publishing industry only treated nobodies like me with such cruel disdain.

• I wonder what goes through the dog's mind when he sees me alone in a quiet room frantically looking for the remote.

• J. Geils is no longer in the J. Geils Band and through 27 members there's never been anyone named Marshall or Tucker in Marshall Tucker Band.

• When I promised I'd no longer write about politics, I had no idea Donald Trump was going to be the leading GOP candidate. 

March tweets of the month

I introduced a new feature on @8days2Amish about two weeks ago: It’s the “Near-Daily 3,” a blast of three blog stories on a related topic such as, “Grooming,” “Dogs,” or “Baseball.” It’d been “The Daily 3” for about three days straight, then I skipped a day and felt obliged to change the title. So far, it’s done nothing to increase the number of followers, a perennial frustration of mine, but it has driven up the blog numbers.

So check out these. Hope you like ‘em and will follow if you’re into that sort of thing. 

• Levi Strauss was a jeanius

• For reasons of justice, environmental improvement & pure symmetry, I think any hedge fund managers convicted of misdeeds should fund hedges.

• Most people who blow their own horn never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. They just blow.

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton.

• Historic villains like Hitler should have their audio books like "Mein Kampf" read by guys who do voices for things like "Winnie The Pooh.”

• My handwriting is so bad I’m going to begin signing all my checks with a big shaky “X” to see if it makes any difference.

• I believe with my whole heart in a color blind society, but I fear what the result’ll do to our nation’s sock drawers.

• I’m one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble believing God could ever believe in me.

• I’m not going to folo you just because you folo me & promise more paid foloers. If I pay for relationship, it'd better involve sex.

• I find it difficult to be grammatically proper on these dreary days. I fear I have Seasonal Effective Disorder.

• I wish only important people had smart phone and I got to decide who's important and who's not. Same goes for driver's licenses!

• Harrison Ford crash landing his plane on a golf course is the most exciting thing to happen on a golf course since Tiger ’09.

• Being fair & balance, I'm sure Fox News is right now preparing an Obama rebuttal suggesting right to vote for blacks be revoked. #Selma50

• I’m surprised there's not a residential security firm that calls itself Sure-Lock Homes.

• Saw a friend I hadn't seen in 30 years. He said I looked great. Even the paunch? Yes. He said it gave me gravitas. More like gravy-tas.

• How come people deemed in "serious" condition don't get treated with laughing gas?

• I know it’s dishonest, but I find it irresistible to run into crowded rooms to yell, “Dick Cheney’s gonna be on ‘DWTS!”

• Hoping Belichick an eventual character witness for Aaron Hernandez & breaks down on stand after telling a story about a boy and his puppy.

• I remain amazed "beer" & "mirror," words with just one letter in common, are near-perfect rhyme. Beer, is there nothing you can't do?

• In the future, suspicious parents will be able to purchase smart pants for kids that will ignite when the pants detect the youths are lying.

• The parents of the North and South Poles can never use the tried 'n' true line, "The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.”

• I figure Singapore would be a great place for an international dermatological convention.

• How come the words work and fork don't rhyme, but beer and mirror do?

• I wonder if one dimensional people have an advantage when it comes to those hard to reach itches.

• I’ll bet folks working in the hardware store have contests to see who hears the word "doohickey" most each week.

• Any time I hear Secret Service agents are in hot water I think it's a jacuzzi. 

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities.

• Spanker devotees spend their lives in the pursuit of slappiness.

• I wish elected officials would stop quoting "Art of War" author Sun Tzu and start quoting Fred Rogers.

• What the plastic surgeons won't tell you: Smiles are facelifts, too.

• Oppressed groups making strides in equality. When, at long last, will somebody do something about the long-suffering succotash? 

• I believe in the next six months, the combined age of the Rolling Stones (251 years) will finally exceed their combined weight.

• John Doe is a pseudonym for someone lost and unidentifiable, often for medical reasons. Someone who's lost and just stupid is a John D’oh!

• A woman named Bristol marrying a man named Meyers sounds like what you'd get if you had a woman named Proctor marry a man named Gamble.

• A spritely Irish elf is a leprechaun. A 3-card scam that ends up with a whole hand on the table is a leper con.

• I’d like to see how a proctologist responds when angry patient tells him bill's too high and he knows what he can do with it.

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• I wonder if there’s graffiti on the outside walls by the pearly gates and if it says things like, “Angels suck!” and “Satan No. 1!”

• A long marriage is a terrific antidote to excessive ego.

• Most people who blow their own horns never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. Hence, they just blow.

• I think solar plexus is some exciting new kind of renewable energy, but something in my gut tells me I'm wrong.

• Can’t prove it and I'd never dream of trying it, but I'll bet I'm friends with many 50 year old men who'd fall for the "Got yer nose!" gag.

• Must be difficult for 8th grd boys to gauge proper reaction when serious doctors inform them they have a condition pronounced ASS-burgers

• Which is more surprising: That anyone follows news or that anyone who follows news is ever brave enough to step outside.

• Any time police are said to be combing crime scene for evidence, reporters should be required to describe situation as “hairy.” 

• For consistency’s sake, we should either begin spelling Raleigh Rolly, or jolly jaleigh.

• Technological improvements in target accuracy mean that most missiles today are hitles.

Related . . . 

Best tweets of 2014

Best tweets of 2013

Best tweets of 2012