Tuesday, March 3, 2015

February 8days2Amish tweets of the month

My 8days2Amish twitter feed passed the 300 followers mark last week . . . four times! It’s true. I’d get a minor surge of followers who’d then one-by-one drop off. I’m now up to 315. Know what that means? Ashton Kutcher and your 16.5 million followers, watch out! I’m gaining on you. I’m lately getting bursts of followers who promise to get me Kutcher-like numbers if I follow them and pay for the privilege. I’m not going to do that. If I pay for any relationship it’s going to be for me to have sex with a prostitute. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way. But please do share/follow/re-tweet/etc. I promise I won’t charge or try and screw you.

Play guess-my-favorite! Answer at end . . .

• I'm one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble believing God could ever believe in me.

• Your peacefulness will increase in direct correlation to the decrease in the energy you spend trying to change the minds of the mindless.

• So let me get this straight: Taylor Swift used to be country, but is no longer. So Taylor Swift is like Steve Earle? 

• The namesake inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver just turned 95. And he's Potsie's uncle!

• Which will come 1st: a gun that shoots pictures or a smart phone that shoots bullets? And how many will die before bugs worked out?

• Harvard bans sexual relationships between profs & students. This crap would never happen at Ohio U.

• Rodell’s Rule of Consumerism: "The crappier/more indifferent the service, the longer the receipt.”

• If man can make a Twinkie whose taste will endure through a nuclear winter how come we can’t make a vegetable that tastes like a Twinkie?

• Dawns on me anew I’ve made bad career decisions when I hear people five years younger than I discussing their pending retirements. 

• Marijuana smokers who succumb to repeated bouts of the munchies are apt to get pot bellies. #TheDudeAbides 

• After getaway weekend, girls have nicknamed me, "The Big Hairy Snoring Fart Monster." I've decided to consider it a term of endearment.

• Teachers teach, bankers bank. What do ushers do? I've seen them ask patrons to be quiet. Maybe they're really hushers.

• ”It's not gonna be an orgy, it's a measles party!”

• Imagine how much better off we’d all be if the humble “Need penny/Take penny/ Have  penny/Leave penny,” were applied on a global level.

• The future of mankind will be brighter when its history is graced by more kind men. And women!

• For promotional purposes I propose Poland change its name to GOland!

• Kids put their money in piggybanks. If you believe the regulators, adults put their money in banks run by pigs.

• It infuriates some Christian conservatives to think us Obama-loving, gay-marriage approving libs have same chance of getting to heaven.

• Just learned Edmund Pettus of the Edmund Pettus Bridge was a former Grand Dragon for the Alabama KKK. Thanks for the info, #BobSchieffer!

• I’m always at a loss for words whenever I take the dog out and he looks up at me like I’m supposed to congratulate him when he craps.

• Avid spankers are the only people on earth whose ambition involves repeatedly hitting bottom. #50ShadesOfGrey

• I once got in big trouble spying on a woman in department store dressing room. She was furious. It was a fit of pique over a peek of fit.

• Realizing I’m destined to become an old fogey doesn’t bother me a bit because there’s no evidence I was ever a young fogey.

• As parents, the fruit of our loins inevitably become the apples of our eyes even when they drive us bananas.

• I admit it. I was a goofball when I was kid. But I’ve changed. I’ve hardened. I guess that means today I’m more of a goofpuck.

• Spent last 20 mins trying in vain to slam anti-slam toilet seat lid. You've won this round, toilet seat, but you've not seen the last of me!

• I’m eager to find site that archives audios of greatest speeches, but said in voice of Elmer Fudd. #IHaveADweam 

• I predict milk next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula!

• Some motivated to live good lives in hopes they'll eventually get to a better place. More fun just livin' in Pittsburgh

• I’m not saying we’re arrogant, but to those of us born under this Zodiac sign, it’ll always be Aquarius vs. Aquarithem.

• Ambitious tailors who work exclusively on 3-piece suits have vested interests.

• We should have one day of the month where everyone uses pictures of their favorite mugs for their mug shots

• So a show that’s all about the zombie apocalypse is populated by characters who steadfastly refuse to call zombies zombies. 

• I remain undaunted my career's been high-wire act for 22 years. Just lately the wire seems to be getting higher.

• If I ever have money burning a hole in my pocket the first thing- I'm gonna do is rush out and buy some flame retardant pants.

• I wish in the interests of polite society that people described as lightning rods attracted actual lightning.

• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I fear I’ve always acted with cattedness.

• How ironic is it that New Hamprhire felons must make license plates that read LIVE FREE OR DIE while imprisoned?

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”

• We live in an age where people display more affection for devices that play music than for the music devices play.

• How come cookies aren't called bakies?

• I wonder if alpha walruses ever get into beach shoving matches shouting, "No! I am the walrus!”

• Cynics who do nothing but predict doom and gloom are misfortune tellers.

• How come throughout my life I've known many fuddy-duddies, but have never met either a singular fuddy or duddy.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• I’m forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!”

• Some parents ought to name kid Serious. He'd say wild things & when people asked, "Are you Serious?" he'd say, "Yes, how do you do?”

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread. 

• Levi Strauss was a jeanius.

• For reasons of justice, environmental improvement & pure symmetry, I think any hedge fund managers convicted of misdeeds should fund hedges.

• Most people who blow their own horn never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. They just blow.

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton

• Historic villains like Hitler should have their audio books like "Mein Kampf" read by guys who do voices for things like "Winnie The Pooh.”

• My handwriting is so bad I’m going to begin signing all my checks with a big shaky “X” to see if it makes any difference.

My favorite? Lots of good ones from which to choose, but I like the one about the New Hampshire felons making the LIVE FREE OR DIE license plates. Works on so many levels.

Thanks for checking in! If you chuckled even once, please share!

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