Happy New Year!
• Question for the ages: Am I a pig because I eat too much Christmas ham or does eating too much Christmas ham make me a pig?
• Porn directors are the only people who should ever be allowed to say, “Man up!”
• I'm sure he was a perfectly competent carpenter, but I think Jesus missed his calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender.
• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.
• Just discovered Crayola has a color called “Macaroni & Cheese.” Be warned: it tastes nothing like the real thing and Listerine won’t help.
• Chances of getting rope aficionados to call themsleves "Knotsies" are the same as getting florists to call themselves petalphiles.
• Loud bulimics make the worst neighbors. They can never keep it down.
• Nana just demolished any chance at being cool in granddaughter's eyes by responding, "Susan Boyle," when asked to name her favorite Beatle.
• Remember: a good mime can be safe, but never sound.
• Spending the weekend willing myself to blink more slowly. I want to be able to savor all the things they say go by in a blink of an eye.
• Great way to enliven 1st grade spelling quiz: Ask 6 yr. old to spell "rule." Listen, then say, "You know I'm not, Ellie. Now spell rule." Repeat.
• I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.
• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.
• Aggressive stationary salesmen are always pushing the envelope.
• Women who purse their lips are apt to put their money where their mouth is.
• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.
• Must be tough for peg-leg pirate captains to be taken seriously when they say they’re really going to put their foot down.
• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”
• I’m always at a loss for words whenever I take the dog out and he looks up at me like I’m supposed to congratulate him when he craps.
• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash.
• Why are there locks on the lobster tank where I shop? If I'm a shoplifter, a live lobster is the last thing I'm stuffing down my pants.
• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.
• It's been a long, long time and I still can't believe it's not butter.
• If Flex Seal works as well as the commercials say it does, I'll never need Right Guard again!
• Given the dietary challenges Paleolithic cavemen faced, I'm surprised Fred & Barney were tubby. I'm surprised they found time to bowl, too.
• I believe in the next six months, the combined age of the Rolling Stones (247 years) will finally exceed their combined weight.
• Even if it were true, I’d never dream of telling the world Mama’s got a squeeze box she wears on her chest and when Daddy comes home he never gets no rest.
• Let's clear this up: A tornado warning is dangerous weather. A tornado watch is an inefficient timepiece whose hands spin really fast.
• You think you can tell time. Foolish mortals. Time tells you!
• “Godspell” is a popular theatrical production. “Spell God” is a statement that will get public school teachers into trouble with the ACLU.
• The tasty snack would still taste and look the same, but they would take on a whole new connotation if they were spelled "FreeToes."
• Dining oddity: It's perfectly okay to cook on a spit, but never okay to spit on a cook.
• I'm opposed to spanking but whenever I hear a father say this is gonna hurt me worse than it hurts you I think he needs to spank harder.
• Scientists who declare matter cannot be created nor destroyed have never observed a bar of soap in a shower.
• I wonder if when surprised by something on-line Satan worshippers instinctively type, "OMD!"
• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?
• I dreamed last night I was Chris Rock and slept funny.
• Told 7-year-old if she squeezes a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.
• Proof that cocaine disrupts logical thinking is that cocaine users call cocaine blow instead of sniff.
• Anyone typing the phrase “To err is human” should always feel obliged to include at least one deliberate tiepo.
• I can only conclude anyone who says puns are the lowest form of humor has never seen an Adam Sandler flick.
• Enjoyed "Walking Dead" premier, but once for the sake authenticity I'd like to see a cliffhanger that ends with someone hanging from a cliff.
• Join me in crafting more sensible spellings: let's all spell hyphen ... hy-phen!
• Often the things we most want are the things that’ll kill us the quickest if we were given unrestricted access to them.
• Spanker devotees spend their lives in the pursuit of slappiness.
• I’m going to start signing all my proper letters, “Worm regards.” I think earthy people will really dig it.
• The world will be better off when our elected officials would stop quoting "Art of War" author Sun Tzu and start quoting Fred Rogers.
• News report says New Delhi discount days failing to drive sales the way experts predicted. Know what that means? Goodbye rupee Tuesday!
• Until the league welcomes at least one single-legged player, it to me will from now on be the National Feetball League.
• Sometimes adult entertainment titles come unbidden to me. Just happened again: "Pornochio." Now if only I could think of an unusual physical oddity that grows with every lie. Hmmm . . .
• Most people never wash the bottom of their feet. Here’s what I do: slop some shampoo on the shower floor and dance! Dance! Dance!
• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has negative connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.
• I enjoy hanging with drunks ‘cuz you can tell same joke same way five times in one night and it’s always hilarious. Not so w/sober wife.
• I’m pretty sure I’ll be disappointed in the answer, but one of these days I’m going to see if the nation of Turkey has a national bird.
• To many users, prescription drugs are the wheels on all the emotional baggage that help them get through life’s airports.
• Man, the only animal who spends most of its time stationary on its butt, is also the only animal to spend billions each year on footwear.
• I so love the word "hanky-panky" I'm devoting weekend to finding useful meanings for hinky-pinky, henky-penky, honky-ponky & hunky-punky.
• Can't prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France ..."
• True faith isn't believing in God. True faith is when Curly yells, "Moe! Larry! Help! Help!" and believes the situation will improve.
• It reveals a profound ignorance about my understanding of pharmaceuticals, but I'm surprised iron supplements don't weigh more.
• A mohawk is a colorful hairdo. A Moe Hawk is an irrationally angry bird that inflicts slapstick violence on a Curly Hawk or Larry Hawk.
• I advise people to not fixate on diet. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• Do other animals in nature use their tails to wipe their tears or is that behavior exclusive to the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz?
• When Mandela said we need to stop hating everyone he wasn't including Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, was he? No way, right?
• I'd like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall.
• I'm surprised none of the hand soap people have used Pontius Pilot in ads.
• I'm trying to persuade daughters to rename our annoying little yip dog Peeve, so I can with all honesty say, "And this dog is my pet Peeve."
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