Sunday, October 6, 2013

Best tweets from last month

I figure have about five or six tweet-worthy thoughts for every hour I spend in The Pond. We’re all bantering about something and it gets pretty funny. Some one will say a tweet-inspiring thought and I think, dang, I should write that one down.

But interrupting the joshing to tweet might risk ruining all the jolly spontaneity and that would be a shame.

Still, I look at the following 24 and think, hmmm, not bad. These monthly round-ups would be much better if I did them once every two or three months. But monthly is a tidy way to organize them so don’t blame me.

You’re welcome or check in at 8days2amish or just check in here around the end of each month. Either way, I’ll try and make sure you see all the good stuff.

Oh, and  . . . Go Bucs! I’m thinking today’s a must win.

• For reasons of semantic logic, C-section births should be forbidden on Labor Day.

• Sentence sinking writers who terrorize readers with reckless and unnecessary punctuation are commakazis.

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• The word "astute" doesn't sound like it should convey wisdom. It sounds like it should convey flatulence.

• It's indicative of innate verbosity attorneys feel obliged to include "at law" in titles. Nothing about them suggests "attorneys at play."

• I never work more feverishly than in the minutes when I'm trying to file something before The Showcase Showdown debuts . . . Gotta run!

• Told 7-year-old if she squeezes a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.

• Do zombies when they are all alone and their stomach starts growling ever snack on one of their own fingers or is that considered gross?

• I’m such a reflexive pacifist the only thing I instinctively kill is time.

• What does it say about mankind that most people would rather raise hell than lower heaven? Maybe we should start calling ourselves manunkind.

• I'm not comfortable with the soon-to-be-frequent use of the weather term "socked in" to describe inclement weather. Should be mittened in.

• WaPo's Krauthammer says Syria diplomatic soundings result of Obama's historic incompetence. I much prefer it to Bush/Cheney competence.

• The romantic in me still sometimes wonders if Barnacle Bill the Sailor ever found true love.

• Am I sorry Kate Gosselin is no longer around as much to ask and answer her own questions? I am not.

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• Firewood delivery an opportunity for annual joke upon payment: Him: "That'll be $160." Me: "I guess this stuff doesn't grow on trees."

• I'll bet mice posing for portraits roll their eyes every time the mouse photographer tells them to, "Say 'Cheese!'"

• One of the unforeseen consequences of global warming is that trees will begin to grow sideways and parking will thus become more difficult.

• America needs a 3rd party, one led by a powerful, charismatic leader unafraid to kick some butt. Yes, it's time for a Mr. T Party!

• I’ve never heard a naysayer say nay. They should be nosayers. Or if they feel like dancing they should be Leo Sayers.

• Just reached another new milestone in aging. I looked in the mirror and thought, man, I'd better comb those eyebrows.

• People who worry excessively that their spell checkers are broken are typochondriacs.

• My daughter collapses in disbelieving hysterics when I tell her there's a man whose name's pronounced Dick ButtKiss and no one makes fun.

• I'm a staunch advocate for racial equality but am fearful over what a truly color blind society will mean to our nation's sock drawers.

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