Friday, August 23, 2013

Bill Cowher's in love! And appearing in weird music video!

I find it commendable when people are able to resist commenting on the love lives of celebrity strangers. We’d all be better off if such pointless, petty gossip were reduced.

And if you agree with me then I suggest you stop reading right now, because I’m about to wallow in it.

I can’t help myself.

Bill Cowher and Queen V are in love!

Never heard of either of them? Well, you’re more likely to have heard of Cowher.

He was from 1992-2007 the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers and is today a studio analyst on the CBS Sunday chucklefest known as “The NFL Today.”

Many Steeler fans revere Cowher, 56, for having won a Super Bowl in 2006. 

On the flip side, many do not. 

I am among the latter.

First of all, one Super Bowl win over 15 years in Pittsburgh qualifies as an embarrassing drought. If Cowher had coached for any owners other than the Rooneys he’d have been fired four times.

His tenure was marked by arrogance, flying spit, off-field drama and big-game defeat. 

I’ll not bore non-football fans with the minutia, but I will give you one telling example: In 1996, Cowher declared Jim Miller would be his starting quarterback over veteran Mike Tomczak and Kordell Stewart. Come thick or thin, he’d stick with Miller.

And, indeed, he did. For two.

Two quarters!

He pulled Miller in the first half of his first game, igniting a virulent quarterback controversy that never really ended until 2004 when the Steelers -- over Cowher’s objections -- drafted Ben Roethlisberger.

So I was glad to see him go. 

And I could forgive him for being petulant, mean and arrogant as long as he was no longer in my face.

Then in 2009, Cowher did something that to me is unforgivable.

He turned on Pittsburgh.

The Penguins were playing the Carolina Hurricanes in the pro hockey playoff semifinals in Charlotte, not far from Raleigh where Cowher and his family resided for all of two years.

Pittsburgh born and bred, Cowher rooted for the Hurricanes.

No big deal, you might say, and you’d be right. It’s not a hanging offense.

What is a hanging offense is to wear Carolina Hurricane colors, step into the spotlight and be the team’s most visible cheerleader by winding up the team’s stupid hurricane rally siren.

His inability to win the big game extended to the Hurricanes, by the way. The Pens swept Cowher’s darlings and went on to win the franchise’s third Stanley Cup.

The Pens win did nothing to stem the disdain he’d earned. How dare he?

You can leave Pittsburgh for relocation purposes, sure, but the etiquette if you do is you are honor-bound to open a Pittsburgh-themed sports bar that features pictures of Pittsburgh heroes on the walls and sandwiches topped with fries and coleslaw on the menu.

Cowher’s betrayal turned him from someone to be ignored into someone to be loathed.

So my ears perked up the other night when a friend who knows Cowher said the coach was doing things that might risk ridicule.

He said Cowher was about to marry a heavy metal rock babe and is starring in her videos. And, indeed, he is. 

Do watch the video. It is perfectly bizarre. The highlight is watching Cowher play the role of heroic Medieval he-man, albeit a Medieval he-man wearing lavish amounts of eye liner.

Cowher’s wife, Kaye, died in 2010 of skin cancer. She was 54.

So if true, Cowher will be matrimonially linked to two woman whose names are pronounced like two of the 26 alphabetical letters.

Being so fond of North Carolina, I can only guess he had an affinity for Sheriff Taylor’s Aunt Bee.

Who’s Queen V? Well, her website boasts she opened for Twisted Sister in 2003 or about 15 years after that had even a shred of cultural relevance.

She seems coy about her background, the origin of her name and whether or not she is truly of regal stock.

Being familiar with rock promotion, I suspect the V is a subliminal message designed to get music lovers to think of female reproductive organs, the theory being that horny young hipsters will say, “Hey, let’s head down to The Palace and maybe we’ll get to see a big vagina. Rock on!”

I hope I’m being overly-cynical, but the coupling whiffs of craven opportunism.

Cowher sees the Queen V as someone he thinks will help him appear cool, and more and more that seems like his every motivational goal.

As for her, I can only imagine she’s attracted to his money and the opportunity to raise her celebrity profile, which makes more sense than being attracted to his appearance and personality.

If that’s the case, I think it’s bound to backfire. In fact, it seems to me to damage the rock cred of anyone who truly cares about music.

You didn’t see Joan Jett dating Marv Levy.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope these two individuals are truly in love and wedded bliss awaits.

If that’s the case, then I expect one day he’ll change his name and the pair will live in harmony as Queen V and King P.

And that’ll be perfect.

I’ve always suspected Cowher was a royal prick.

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