Monday, February 4, 2013

Super Bowl holiday? Make loser fans work for winners

A Massachusetts marketing group has put me in the awkward position of arguing on behalf of increased American productivity.

It’s generally my belief that we’re all working too much, are too stressed out and that those of you with anxiety-ridden occupations should quit them and devote your time to making and delivering flower arrangements to neighborhood shut-ins.

So it’s against my nature, but here goes:

Making today a national holiday is a terrible idea.

The Workforce Institute of Kronos Inc. says because of rampant hangovers, water cooler chit chat and general disinterest in doing squat the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. They contend it would be in our national interest for the nation’s workforce to stay home with their families today to discuss the game, Beyonce’s fabulous bod or, I guess, go to church to pray that our children grow up to be just like Ray Lewis.

They say today’s lost productivity could total as high as $2 billion.

That’s not an argument for canceling work the day after the Super Bowl.

That’s an argument for canceling the Super Bowl.

A holiday is supposed to unite people throughout the country.

The Super Bowl always makes me hate people from around the country.

If the Steelers are in it, I hate whomever they’re playing and the misguided fans that root for them.

If the Steelers aren’t playing, I hate the teams that outplayed them to get there.

I hated the Ravens and their fans because they treat the despicable Lewis the way impoverished Hindus treated Gandhi.

Hating San Francisco, the city where my wife and I honeymooned, is difficult but the Super Bowl helped me find a way to hate.

I hated that a 49ers win would have given them six Super Bowls -- the same as the Steelers -- and if the world ends tomorrow it won’t bug me as much knowing that all the people who hate me for loving the Steelers know it ends with the Steelers having won the most Super Bowls.

I could see it if you moved the Super Bowl to a Friday. A Friday Super Bowl wouldn’t disrupt the natural circadian rhythms of those of us who goof off on Fridays and enjoy spending Saturdays with debilitating hangovers.

A better idea is raising the stakes of the game.

Therefore, I propose fans of the teams winning the Super Bowl get the entire week off while fans of loser teams pitch in to do their jobs and household chores.

Sure, this will involve another layer of costly government bureaucracy, which has my full support if it means again soaking the super-wealthy, especially now that they will soon include Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco.

Here’s how it would work: fans would be required to register for a national database anytime they buy a jersey or any other NFL team-affiliated paraphernalia or body art.

This would work because America today is a melting pot of fans. Even the most parochial cities like Green Bay are populated by fans from around the country

As the game approached, a roster of loser fans would be correlated with fans from the cities with a chance of winning. The list would kick in after the game’s final whistle.

If, say, you are a Vikings fan who happens to work as a bank teller, you’d today be paired with an area Ravens-backing bank teller and after your shift at your own bank you’d need to drive to the Raven fan’s bank and do his or her job for a few hours.

Those with skills that do not match would have to visit the Raven fan’s home to do things like shovel snow, wash dishes or maybe clip the fan’s jagged toenails.

The logistics of this would work because the losing fans by far outnumber the winners.

It would ratchet up our national insanity over meaningless sports and that would be good as people would have less time to hate one another over things like race, religion, and whether or not Obama’s ever really took a shot at clay pigeons. 

I think it’s a great idea. And I’m fully vested in it because I believe the Steelers will win the 2014 Super Bowl!

So that gives all you fans of 31 different teams a whole year to try and come up with an ill-conceived idea of your own to share here on the blog.

Either that or get yourself a sharp set of toenail clippers.

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