Monday, June 27, 2016

So who all's invited to tonight's City Books reading?

You are, of course.

Those of you who take the time to read my blog are my core readership. My alpha, my omega. Your support buoys me when I’m down. Your boundless enthusiasm helps generate fresh ideas when imagination depletes.

Having a local reading without offering you luxury box treatment just wouldn’t seem right. So consider this your invitation to hear me read — read aloud! — from “Last Baby Boomer” tonight at 7 p.m. at City Books on Pittsburgh’s North Side. I’m sending it out special to you and only my closest, most personal friends.

And to the entire rosters of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Los Angeles Dodgers and their traveling staff and media.

The Bucs and Dodgers close out a four-game Pittsburgh home stand today at 12:30 p.m. and both will be boarding planes for long cross-country flights. An entertaining satirical book like mine will help pass the time until they can snuggle back into the waiting arms of cuddly hookers and groupies.

Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto? You’re invited. In fact, it’ll be a stinging insult if Hizzoner blows me off. He’s out and about at so many functions like this every night weary political reporters are beginning to suspect he’s cloned

People who are confused about Brexit are welcome. I know you have many questions and in between readings I’ll try and shed some light on what the changes mean.

For instance, now in order to do any business in the U.K. we’ll all have to begin deliberately misspelling words like color, labor, flavor with their infuriatingly unnecessary “u” (colour, labour, flavour).

The Stanley Cup is invited! I don’t know which of our NHL champion Penguins has the cup tonight, but feel free to bring it to City Books to add some sparkle to the proceedings. 

Open and concealed carry aficionados are welcome. Bring all the hardware you want. I believe word-for-word in our 2nd Amendment so bring as many weapons as you can hoist.

Just promise to leave all the bullets at home.

Denzel Washington, you’re one of my favorite actors so consider this your personal invitation. Denzel is in Pittsburgh filming the August Wilson play, “Fences,” about race relations in Pittsburgh in 1957.

I haven’t read or seen the play but, being a fan of happy endings, I’m optimistic it concludes with blacks and whites marching arm-in-arm into a bright future that includes mutual equality, respect, and an assurance that the then-awful Steelers are going to turn it all around starting in the 1970s. 

I hope Denzel accepts and decides on the spot to option my book(s) for his next production.

So if all the close personal friends I’ve invited show up and buy books, I figure I ought to sell, oh, about 15,000 books.


I’ll be happy if I sell 20.

Really, I did want to extend personal invitations to those who’re particularly supportive, but it seemed like an imposition.

I know you’re busy. The kids have soccer. You’re preparing to leave for summer vacation. You still haven’t watched the concluding Part V of “O.J.: Made in America.”

Plus, I’m sure there are those of you who’ve been burned by promotions like this, ones where “book readings” turns out to be code for “orgy” and you’re not sure what to wear.

It is my understanding this is purely a book reading and at the very least I promise this reader will remain fully dressed.

I hope all the concealed carry fans will be, too.

An orgy doesn’t leave many comfortable options for those eager to conceal.

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