Friday, May 31, 2013

Tweets of the Month

Does it diminish some of the magic if I confess I sometimes re-run evergreen tweets from 8days2amish? I hope not.

It’s just I consider my twitter account different from your typical one. With the exception of my own blog notifications, I rarely re-post other tweets or link to stories or pictures you might find interesting. I don’t think you need more of that.

I prefer to think of my twitter feed like I’m dispensing fortune cookies without the cookie.

So every once in a while I cull the herd and re-post something I think is amusing or thought-provoking. Just thought you should know.

I think May was a nice run and it included what I think is one of my best tweets ever. That was this one:

“If marriage is so great then how come God’s still single?”

Do you agree? If yes, just think really, really hard and we’ll communicate telepathically.

•I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.

• I’m so pretentiously self-important my voice mail ends with, “If this is a real emergency please call 911.” Like others call me to schedule surgery.

• I'm inexperienced in either endeavor, but I imagine a tame goose chase would be just as exhilarating as a wild one.

• It bugs me that more than one cactus is cacti when by all logic it should at least be cactwo.

• Being in the presence of friends so good that conversation is unnecessary is calmeraderie.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• Do sober people who are on the wagon fight over who gets to be the wagon's designated driver?

• Must be tough for peg-leg pirate captains to be taken seriously when they say they’re really going to put their foot down.

• Aggressive stationary salesmen are always pushing the envelope.

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• NY Jets owner Woody Johnson has the greatest unintentional porn name since Andy Roddick.

• Imagine the promotional bonanza if '70s pop icon Meatloaf was wrong and there really was a Coupe de Ville hidden at the bottom of a Crackerjack box.

• Don Cheadle was nominated for a 2004 Oscar for his role in "Hotel Rwanda" I love Cheadle but he didn't stand chance. Cheadles never win.

• I abhor gun violence, but any armed woman should be able to shoot any man wearing an "If you can read this, the bitch fell off" t-shirt.

• I’m always at a loss for words whenever I take the dog out and he looks up at me like I’m supposed to congratulate him when he craps.

• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash.

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