Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Tweets of the (last) month!

Not exactly a bumper crop from last month’s 8days2Amish, but I think a few of them sparkle. Try and guess which one’s my favorite. Answer at the end . . .

Oh, and because I feel like a round-up post like this is cheating, I’ll be posting something fresh around noon. It’s about selling sex toys.

Now, that’s a tease!

• Hooray! I'm now eating 20 servings of fruit & veges every day! My secret? I now consider one raisin equal to one serving.

• Swore it wouldn't happen. Swore they wouldn't wear me down. Wrong! I now think I'm being witty when I ask people, "What's in your wallet?"

• Today I'm thinking about spending the day at Pittsburgh's Andy Warhol Museum staring intently at the white space between all the Andys.

• Meteorologists who specialize in the study of wind currents see the world through blew eyes.

• Leonardo Da Vinci understood how terminal velocity could allow man to fly. Fred Duh Vinci has no idea what any of that means.

• Honesty without tact is like brain surgery without anesthesia. The operation could cure but the complications can kill.

• Great way to enliven 1st grade spelling quiz: Ask 6 yr. old to spell "rule." Listen, then say, "You know I'm not, Ellie. Now spell rule." Repeat.

• Peace of mind is elusive for many because they spend too much time focusing on things like peace of belly or peace of ass.

• Don’t let the gloomy insurance industry fool you: a child’s birth, a towering Redwood and a beautiful sunset are all acts of God, too.

• Many of those ridiculing CNN spent last 10 years vigorously nodding when Fox assured 'em Iraq War a swell idea and that Romney'd be Prez.

• Spending the weekend willing myself to blink more slowly. I want to be able to savor all the things they say go by in a blink of an eye.

• Self-important execs who don't care about being on time like to throw their wait around.

• Looking to start a punk band, but lacking a great name? How about this? "Ladies and gentleman, give a warm welcome to Babies with Rabies!"

• If Lassie smoked medical marijuana, supported gay marriage and hung out with bleach blond surfer dudes he’d live in Colliefornia

• Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be forever berated over their failure by those of us who can.

• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL).

• I'd vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhuman cruelty of barreled monkeys.

• So what's Arnold Palmer really like? He's cool, authentic and refreshing. If he were a drink he'd be an Arnold Palmer.

I’m partial to the one about asking a 6-year-old to spell “rule,” and the one about the barrel full of monkeys appeals to my inner Stooge, but how can you beat the one about blinking more slowly? Coming from a guy who’s about to blog about sex toys, it’s practically poetry.

Related . . .

No comments: