Tuesday, January 31, 2017

January Tweets of the Month!

Donald Trump’s twitter feed has 23 million; Barack Obama, 82 million. A twitter feed purporting to be God has just 217,000. 

My 8days2Amish has just 1,658. I’m not saying I should have as many as Trump or Obama, but you’d think the following wisdoms would at least lead to as many as God.

No matter. It all winds up here on the blog sooner or later. Thanks for reading!

• I hope 2017 is the year when someone -- anyone -- tells me I'm great and dumps a big bucket of Gatorade over my head. 

• I may be misjudging the man, but I suspect every time Trump leaves the White House he steals a towel or two.

• People who say revenge is a dish best served cold fail to realize if revenge had a drive-thru the traffic would stretch for miles.

• You can play a mean bluegrass banjo or country fiddle on earth & it won't matter. Once you get to heaven, everyone's in a soul band.

• A pessimist dwells on the fact that Smallpox killed 15 million. An optimist says at least it wasn't Bigpox.

• If they gave the death sentence for killing time could you live forever? 

• Scientists say earth is 4.543 billion years old. Wikipedia says "Catwoman" actress Eartha Kitt died in 2008 at the age of 81.

• I used to pretend I was too sick to go to school. Now, I pretend I'm not hungover nights after I swore to wife I wouldn't drink too much.

• God helps those who help themselves. I only help those who help me. Something to think about next time you have a couch that needs moving.

• I wonder if clever HVAC men ever entertain themselves at conduit installations by asking, "Tubey or not tubey?”

• Does being a Born-Again Christian mean you get to eat twice as much as you did before?

• Photos of even unpatriotic chefs making soup are often stirring.

• Pessimists suffer from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• “London Bridges Falling Down" is a popular nursery rhyme. London britches falling down is a sartorial scandal of epic proportions.

• Try and do at least one thing each week that will blow your hair back and allow you to scream, “Wheeeeeeee!!!"

• Scientists who declare matter cannot be created nor destroyed have never observed a bar of soap in a shower.

• I’d like to attend a church where the pastor says, "Spoiler alert!" before even familiar Bible stories like the crucifixion.

• I’m dumbfounded I'll be 54 next month and I still haven't sucked face with Madonna. Oh, well, there's still a few weeks so who knows?

• Any time anyone tells me I'm good listener I want to say, really, I'm just good at smiling and nodding, but all I do is smile and nod.

• I’m tickled by the irony that a story about golden showers was the result of leaks. 

• Cell phone etiquette will improve when anyone found in breach is forced to exchange current phone for one of these.

• I have to think in heaven we still have birthdays, but we'll celebrate them on the day we died. And the cake is always angel food. 

• We now have ability to forever preserve things that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see.

• I haven't gazed closely enough, but I wonder if among the heavens there's a star named Ringo.

• Has the advent of ubiquitous smart phones meant the death of the rhetorical question?

• Divided country meant no matter who won election, Friday's swearing-in was destined to become a swearing-at.

• Reckless abandon is redundant. Anyone ever heard of careful abandon?

• I wonder if in the annals of mob history a man named Stone was ever asked to kill two men named Byrd.

• I remain amazed "beer" & "mirror," words with just one letter in common, are near-perfect rhyme. Beer, is there nothing you can't do?

• The self-loathing conservatives feel at supporting Trump must be akin to what dying vegetarians feel when they realize they’re about to turn zombie.

• I don't understand why my racist friends get angry when I point out they are racists. Does it bother me when they say I'm lazy?

• Trump laying wreath at Tomb of the Unknowns? If he doesn't like people who were caught, what must he think of the ultimate quitters?

• If we had to have a reality show host for president, why couldn't it have been Jeff Probst?

• All you need to know about man is 1st match was invented in 1836; 1st smoke detector, 1956. Don't get me started on birth control.

• May not be in our lifetimes but at some point some high school band'll road trip to the moon. They're going to have to sell lots of hoagies.

• I wonder if smart alec bacteria ever introduce themselves with “Spoiler alert!” at fridge parties and still think it’s funny.

• Prediction: Atlanta 56, New England 32. Those aren’t scores. Those are high temperatures in each city game day. 

• Looking in the mirror when you wake up can ruin your psyche for the whole day. Me, I try not to look until I've had at least three beers.

• Trying to justify value of writing to people who don't read is like trying to justify the value of fresh air to fish.

• Single apple seed weighs 700 mg but sinks. A battleship weighs 45k tons, but does not. What would happen to battleship full of apple seeds?

• You never hear about it amongst other Biblical miseries but another thing about hell that sucks is everyone gets a really bad roommate 

• Easiest way to differentiate carpenter bees from others is that carpenter bees are the ones wearing the really tiny tool belts.

• Nearly 7 billion people on earth. Total has me wondering when earth will become one giant graveyard.

• The idea behind "pursuit of happiness" misleads. Find a comfy enough chair & pursuit becomes unnecessary. Happiness'll finds you.

• I vow to continue saying 'Happy New Year!' right up thru July 5 when it'll become seasonally appropriate to resume saying "Merry Christmas!”

• We live in a time when many people aren't truly happy unless they're truly angry.

• People in an uproar over Trump's actions during his first hundred days. Not me. I'm terrified about what'll happen his last 100 days.

• The only thing getting me through this tumult is the knowledge that right now Bruce Springsteen is probably writing another fierce rock 'n' roll album that will in a fair and balanced way lyrically explain whether or not I'm on the right side of history.

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