No preamble. No intro. Just 42 of the best 8days2amish tweets from January. Check in tomorrow when I’ll be writing about how my blog’s been banned in China. Honest!
• If you're livin' in New Orleans and yer nickname ain't "Fats" then you just ain't livin' right.
• If I were alive in the Zombie Apocalypse I'd call myself "The Dust.” Everyone knows zombies never bite "The Dust.”
• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fries/chicken/etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”
• Question: Which would appear more odd, you with your dog's nose or your dog with yours?
• Scientists will one day announce they've developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.
• Discussion of North Korean villain continues to confuse me. I thought Rudolph was the deer leader.
• Every time I see a headline involving Palestinian prez Abbas, I think, "Mamma Mia! Swedish tribute band!" But that would be Sabbas.
• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I fear I’ve always acted with cattedness.
• You’ll get in trouble if they catch you peeking, but look under the dress of most any them and you'll find mannequins are asexual.
• The right thing may not always be the easy thing, but it’s always the right thing. The trouble is that easy's always easier and always easy.
• I wonder if heaven has graffiti on the walls that says God is God.
• Smart mechanics only wear CarGo pants.
• Suspects in the Charlie Hebdo killings should be drawn, quartered and drawn again.
• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.
• I’d like to see a sporting competition to see who can smack/gouge/eye poke most dimwits. #MOElympics!
• I can't ensure nothing bad will ever happen to my daughters. All I can do is ensure they'll know how to react when they do
• I’ve consulted numerous atlases and topographic maps and it's all been in vain. Despite what you may have heard, there is no Moot Point.
• Blacksmith school must be a cinch. Once you get past "Strike while the iron's hot," what else can they tell you?
• Fashion experts who work to ensure ample bosoms fit snugly in frilly brassieres are rack-contours
• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.
• Camera operators who film pornography unwittingly wind up being crack photographers.
• If I'd have known I'd be this broke at this stage of my life I'd have worked even less hard. And, yes, I'm aware of the inherent contradictions.
• The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple
• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.
• Prejudice must make people feel god-like. Being prejudiced means you know how people feel, what motivates them, etc., just by how they look.
• I HOPE I DIE BEFORE THE DAY ARRIVES WHEN EVERYONE IS SO ANGRY THAT EVERYTHING WE WRITE IS IN ALL CAPS.
• I’m surprised dogs don’t try and leap through the TV whenever they see commercials for things like Hot Pockets.
• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.
• Rodell’s Facebook Conundrum: ”The more Facebook likes anyone or thing has the less likely that person or thing is truly likable."
• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.
• When the going gets tough, the tough get going! And when the tough get going, I usually say, “Bye, bye tough! Been nice knowin’ ya!”
• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.
• Should Pats win, I hope someone who loves all that’s good about America sneaks onto the field and replaces the Gatorade with vats of boiling oil.
• News reports say smart communication devices top in-demand prison contraband. Now that’s what you call a cell phone.
• My life is an open book. The problem is people don't read like they used to.
• I promise to never vicariously describe any endeavor as a cake walk until I can say I’ve walked on cakes.
• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”
• I don't flirt with disaster. I slip something in its drink, say "Cheers!" and shove my tongue down its throat.
• Light houses are among our most poorly named structures. They're actually very heavy.
• In honor of #SuperBowlXLIX my phone number in Roman Numerals is DCCXXIV CMLXI MMDLVIII. Call me!
• If every kiss begins with Kaye, then it stands to reason that every piss begins with pee.
• I’m beginning to understand the peacefulness that comes from no longer trying to change the minds of the mindless.
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