Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Tweets of the (last) month

Every time I think I’m about out of tweets I look back and see a bunch that are pretty decent. And there are still bursts of wit. Remember, I don’t just tweet links, contests, etc. Nothing but pure tweets at @8days2Amish. Hope you enjoy ‘em.

• I wonder if pigs have hamstrings.

• I like to ask people who declare, “As God is my witness!” if they ask Him to say, “so help me Me,” when they swear Him in.

• It’s ironic that an artist so many of us admire for telling so many of life’s truths is initialed B.S.

• It amazes me that right now millions of shoppers are descending on big box stores and none of them are interested in buying big boxes.

• The term "penniless" has lost all value for describing an impoverished individual. Probably been 20 years since Trump's even seen a penny.

• All my life people have been telling me, "Chris, you can't do this," or "Chris, you can't do that." Can't. Can't. Can’t. You know what? They’ve been mostly right.

• Sibling rivalries would ease if children who worried parents like one child over other if they knew most parents often don't care for either

• Gas prices below $3 a gallon around America can only mean the Middle East has become a bastion of stability and peace

• I wish more black and white people would stop looking at all race issues like everything was so black and white. #Ferguson

• I wonder if alpha walruses every get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!" #coocookachu

• Any shop that calls itself shoppe is automatically more charming. Works for everyone: Ice Cream Shoppe, Halliburton Shoppe, Monstanto Shoppe, etc.

• True faith isn't belief in God. True faith is when Curly yells, "Moe! Larry! Help! Help!" & believes situation will improve.

• Still trying to get every one to spell "the gist" as “thegist."

• I don't want to live forever. I want to live right now!

• Composer who can gracefully adapt the words to Star-Spangled Banner to theme from the Andy Griffith show will earn our national gratitude

• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth

• Expectant parents ought to name at least one son Wellenuff. That way if the boy’s being bullied, they could say, “Leave Wellenuff alone!”

• Something about the name of the "Allman Brothers" band that's always struck me as vaguely redundant.

• Spent frantic hour looking everywhere in house for lost wallet. Found it! I feel so euphoric I plan on losing wallet/keys once a week.

• If I lived within my means I'd dwell upright in a closet and subsist solely on mouse droppings.

• I think it's time we rename Buffalo to Uninhabitable. Humans can't live there. Heck, buffalo can't live in Buffalo.

• One problem with most urban parking lots: They fill up too fast. They are parking littles.

• Given the dietary challenges Paleolithic cavemen faced, I'm surprised Fred & Barney were tubby. I'm surprised they found time to bowl, too.

• In order to more emphatically express my feelings for the result, I'll henceforth spell "damage" as “damnage."

• After years of study, I’ve concluded that for a real ham Porky Pig was actually kind of shy.

• I’m curious about the net worth of people who make nets.

• My faith in humanity is always restored anytime I see someone get out of a handicap space with a cane. Me, I always fake a little limp.

• Another problem of mine: anytime my train of thought gets really rolling the conductor always behaves like he’s shitfaced.

• My problem is all the people who remember me from when I was truly great are all losing their memories and my moments of greatness wane.

• I’m going to spend at least part of today trying to discern why guns aren't called bangs.

• Alert the NRA! Declining temperature forecasts means we'll soon be losing our right to bare arms!
  • Sing Sing is the name of one of NY's largest, toughest prisons, yet every time I hear it I think the only felons it incarcerates are Muppets
  • I’ll bet there's no speed limit on the Highway to Hell.

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