Saturday, March 2, 2013

@8Days2Amish Tweets of the Month!

In keeping with Twitter protocol, I’ll keep this preamble short. have a great weekend. And follo @8days2Amish!

• Just because a person's bad at math doesn’t mean he or she can’t be considered calculating.

• Chances of getting rope aficionados to call themsleves "Knotsies" is the same as getting florists to call themselves petalphiles.

• I hope I live long enough to one day witness a lumberjack politician give a real stump speech.

• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

• Real men never fret when they don't have a pot to piss in. You should see how resourceful we become when our bladders fill.

• I’m not saying we’re arrogant, but to those of us born under this Zodiac sign, it’ll always be Aquarius vs. Aquarithem.

• I have the same interest in learning speed reading as I do in learning speed sex.

• Given recent turmoils, I'm hoping Catholics think outside box for next pope. Really outside the box. I'm talking Pope Sarah Silverman.

• A headline that today works for both sports and news stories: "Cardinals hoping to find a replacement more powerful than Pujols."

• In case anyone still cares, Kate Gosselin tweeted she woke up this morning and overcame an impulse to stay in bed. I'll keep you posted.

• Chagrined my wife never "likes" anything I do on Facebook. I guess she's just being consistent.

• I without fail offer a cheerful "Have a nice day!" to those manning the fast food drive-thrus knowing full well it ain't gonna happen.

• Most of the people who so revere the 2nd Amendment would have difficulty articulating the constitutional guarantees of any of the other 26.

• Anyone wanna bet Mr. Peanut's first name is Shelly?

• OED word of the day is "nocent." Never heard of it? It means guilty. It's the opposite of innocent. Shouldn't it be outtocent?

• Stars not lining up for proposed meteor relief concert, which I'd hoped to call, "Rock stars opposed to star rocks."

• The day chickens begin laying Cadbury eggs is the day I become a chicken farmer.

• Avid spankers are the only people on earth whose ambition involves repeatedly hitting bottom.

• Spent last 20 mins trying in vain to slam anti-slam toilet seat lid. You've won this round, toilet seat, but you've not seen the last of me!

• So more guns will make us more safe? Why don't we have racks of guns by fire extinguishers: "In case of spree killer, break glass."

• We name our dogs Rover, Snickers, Socks and a plethora of other colorful handles. But you'll never meet a cricket that ain’t named Jiminy.

• Yahoo headline declares "Rachel McAdams split." Which half can I get?

• Giraffe racing would be a great sport. Every race would be neck and neck.

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