Sunday, December 9, 2012

Sorta monthly tweet round-up

Yes, yes, I realize after two months I’ve slipped from my commitment to posting a best-of tweet round-up faithfully on the last day of the month. 

It would be cool if I could say there was a huge outcry and people were demonstrating outside The Pond like it was some kind of blog Tahrir Square, but that hasn’t happened.

When it comes to my tweet round-ups people, I guess, basically just don’t care.

Who can blame ‘em?

You can catch up anytime at 8days2amish and I’ll be sure to put all the really good stuff -- or at least what I consider the really good stuff -- right here where everyone’s always welcome.

Later today I’m going to post what is the best letter I’ve received about my book before getting back to what for lack of a better word call “work” tomorrow.

Up next: When it’s okay to kill yourself after being the victim of a practical joke. 

Hint: Never! Ever! Ever!

• My faith in humanity is always restored anytime I see someone get out of a handicap space with a cane. Me, I always fake a little limp.

• Families are God’s way of reminding us we humans are incapable of helping even the ones we love most.

• Election makes Nov. 8 feel like a liberal holiday. I'm going to celebrate by saying a prayer to Allah, smoking some medical marijuana and kissing a man.

• I'd like to see Prez impose common sense tax hikes on wealthy and screw the bejesus out of just Sheldon Adelson, Trump & the Koch brothers.

• I vow to never engage in petty back and forth. You can have your tat. I'll keep my tit.

• Mick Jagger's 40-yr-old love letters up for auction. I'd like to see Keith buy them, get shitfaced and host a dramatic reading.

• US to be world's top oil producer in 5 years. Does that mean we get to soon deny women the right to vote and drive?

• Aggressive stationary sales people are always pushing the envelope.

• Quick! Anyone recall the name of Viggo Mortensen movie where he's an ex-hoodlum who owns a small town diner and takes up fiddle? "History of Violins?"

• Auto tech advances mean we'll one day be able to eliminate all traffic accidents. If that happens, man, I'll drive like a maniac.

• Any truth to the rumor Yoko Ono is licensing a John Lennon app aimed at cleaning up grammatical clutter? #InstantComma

• The 2nd most famous elevator company behind Otis is Schindler. Yes, there's a Schindler's Lift.

• Hit a poignant milestone with 12-yr-old daughter outside elevator. She let me win race to push button. Waa! What's next? Please, don’t. I’d rather not know.

• Sentence sinking writers who terrorize readers with reckless and unnecessary punctuation are commakazis.

• Sold 3 audio "Use All the Crayons!" to friends last night after I threatened to otherwise come to their homes and read aloud thru bullhorn.

• One advantage of writing book on being colorful: I could rob a bank in Speedo & people would say, "Ah, Rodell's just being colorful again." This I plan on exploiting.

• Something you may not know about me: I always feel sad whenever I’m someplace where shouting profanity is frowned upon.

• Great Keith quote: "When I was a junkie I learned to ski and made 'Exile on Main Street.'"

• Giddy scientists at Hadron SuperCollider claim to have created a new type of matter. I predict it will become known as the Doesn't Matter.

• Here's how far ahead I'm planning 2013 stories. I'm pitching a “Thanksgiving in Turkey!” story. You're right. It'll never happen.

• Just once I'd like to hear news reports of a man being slain by a blunt instrument and learn the weapon was a tuba.

• There ought to be hangover parking just a few spaces down from handicapped parking. And there ought to be vendor selling Bloody Marys.

• Love this so much wish I worked someplace: "Army had a saying that bread is staff of life and the life of the staff is one long loaf."

• Friends have been doing outstanding webwork for me for free. For years, I told 'em to, c’mom, charge me! Today they finally did. Bastards.

• I've cut my nose off to spite my face so many times it's no longer possible for me to stop and smell the roses.

• It'd be great for the GLBT movement if Scalia uses historic SCOTUS consideration of DOMA, etc., to announce he pines for Barney Frank.

• I believe there is a market for smaller, more petite pens and that these pens will be a huge success if they are called inklings.

• It must gall dedicated vegetarians when contentious circumstances force them to admit they have a beef with one another.

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