I’m concluding the work week by celebrating the posting of my 1,000th tweet.
It’s a celebration I predict I’ll enjoy every six months or so. Because tomorrow I’m going to spend about 30 minutes delete several hundred meaningless tweets that fail to resonate.
Of course, if I was utterly ruthless in that regard, I’d delete my entire Twitter account because it’s not resonating even one little bit.
It’s taken me about 18 months to accrue 101 followers; 10 tweets per follower. At this rate it’ll be March 2019 before I get 500 followers and, oh, about June 4057 before I catch Ashton Kutcher and his 8,119,572 followers.
And what will I do on those momentous occasions?
I’ll tweet about it!
So here are 50 favorite from the first 1,000 tweets.
• Any truth to the rumor that the last words of genius Steve Jobs were, “Bosco! Bosco!”
• Daily Beast says smart communication devices are the new in-demand prison contraband. Now that’s what you call a cell phone.
• If Flex Seal works as well on underarms as it does on screendoor bottom boats I’ll never need Right Guard again!
• Churches filled with folks who attend based on obligatory habit whose minds wander throughout the service. They are Bored Again Christians.
• Petty pretensions becoming so common in America I soon expect to see bald eagles with hairplugs.
• If chickens ever start laying Cadbury eggs I'm becoming a chicken farmer.
• Mick Jagger lecturing Ron Wood on polite behavior would be like me lecturing people on the need to be more industrious.
• How do people from Wyoming, our most geographically square state, ever manage to think outside the box?
• My 9-year-old daughter treats me like Moe treats Curly.
• I have about the same interest in learning speed reading as I do in learning speed sex.
• People who refuse straws do not suck.
• A single splash of water killed the Wicked Witch of the West. Logical conclusion: Not only was she evil, she also reeked.
• A sleeping child in your arms is better than any drug. Problem is kids wake up. That's why there are real drugs.
• Teenage girls who starve themselves to appear more like Hollywood anorexics ought to be called “slimitators.”
• If someone who feasts on human flesh is a cannibal, should some who eats just a wee bit be called a cannibbler?
• I'm thinking of getting a $75 tattoo of an $18,000 Rolex for my left wrist.
• I'd love to hear Nat X's conspiracy theory about why MLK statue had to be made from white marble.
• Molar, bicuspid and uvula are all words of mouth.
• It's a mystery why anyone would opt for Oreos over Double Stuffed Oreos. It'd be like choosing to watch a skit featuring The Two Stooges.
• National unity will ensue when states reconfigure awkward borders so all are either square, circular, etc.: The United Shapes of America!
• Sex change ala Chaz Bono becoming common. Future surgeries will allow for species changes. Unhappy humans can become cats, parrots, etc.
• Only a mental midget would ever give a damn if Jimmy cracked corn.
• In terms of raw impact, succinctness and message mission, history's greatest poem may be "Be kind, Rewind." Even Shakespeare can't touch it
• Bi-partisan idea for deficit-busting Buffett tax: $100 surcharge on anyone who's ever heard badly singing "Margaritaville" in public. And that includes Jimmy.
• Am I sorry Kate Gosselin won't be around as much to ask and answer her own questions? I am not.
• Gnat Levi Johnson seems like such a jerk I hope Ann Coulter falls madly and blindly in love with him.
• Perverted farmers spend too much time on the lamb.
• I keep confusing natural light with neon beer signs, not sunshine. It doesn't help whenever I walk into a bar and see "Natural Light" signs.
• It's acceptable to describe even sweet-tempered bakers in pie shop kitchens as either crusty or flaky.
• Will and Kate wrap up California jaunt and return to England. I guess it's time for those kids to get back to work.
• The most dedicated entomologists can't help but be anything but bug-eyed.
• Oversexed infidelity has left most American family trees all forked up
• I'm constantly striving to do things that would be feathers in my cap, but I wouldn't be caught dead in a cap with a feathers.
• Too many people enjoy life in dainty little sips. Sip wine. Guzzle life.
• Clusterf*** sounds like it should be more fun than it is, like something you'd want to be invited to if you said you'd bring a covered dish
• Who was Nellie and what about her was so rapid that people had to keep telling her "Whoa!" If I ever meet Nellie, I'm gonna hang on to her.
• Kill Devil Hills, N.C., sounds like a great place to host a religious revival.
• Does anyone think all the other kids picked on Jeremiah because he was a bullfrog?
• Rhode Island isn't even Rhode Isthmus
• Ernie Borgnine to be given SAG lifetime achievement award. The man's a classic. When he goes, we're going to need to find an Ernie Borgten
• Not sure, but CNN reporter said "a police horse will be telling us." May have been "police source," but I'm hanging in hoping it's a pony.
• Anytime you hear of someone dying suddenly it should reinforce the need to ensure you're always living suddenly.
• If I were a heroic crime fighter, I'd love to have Super Vision. But as a regular guy, I hate any supervision. Can't stand it.
• The tragedy at SeaWorld is bound to give killer whales a really bad name.
• Angry enough about forecast of heavy new snows to consider storming the Weather Channel, but realize that would be redundant.
• One day soon cell phones will be used to cure the cancers they cause.
• Should know better but when I'm alone in a room with what is described as a magic marker, I still try and use it to turn chairs into gold.
• Just started reading Grisham's ‘Innocent Man.’ So far, it's nothing at all like Billy Joel's "Innocent Man."
Have a great weekend! Don’t confuse that with a tweet. It’s a heartfelt sentiment.