Wednesday, September 30, 2015

5-star Tweets of the Month

My best twitter month ever? Hard to say, but September was prolific for @8days2Amish. I think that’s because it was so news heavy and I was really plugged in. With Trump rampaging across the GOP primary field and the Pope’s visit, lots of comments were bound to arise. Plus, my new office has wifi. If something popes into my head, I just dash it right off

And, yes, that popes typo was deliberate.

I hope you’ll share these and encourage friends to follow me on Twitter. Each new follower feels to me like a happy hug from a friendly stranger.

Careful observers will notice, too, that's a new picture above. Had a bunch taken for pending projects. My preening vanity has been stoked.

• Getting out of bed makes me feel like WWI soldier being ordered to vault from trench into No Man’s Land certain to face heroic annihilation.

• Any man who says he is his own worst critic is either delusional or single.

• Told daughter she's growing up too fast and wish she'd just stay 7. She said, "Dad, I'm 9." I told her she's such a disappointment

• If they made a sunscreen to ward off all life’s annoyances it would have to be about SPF 995

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons

• Spanker devotees spend their lives in the pursuit of slappiness.

• Obama arbitrarily changes lyrics of Edmund Fitzgerald so "big lake they call Gitchygoomee" now "big lake they call Rev. Jeremiah Wright.”

• It’d be neat to observe lunchroom dynamics at a newspaper called the Christian Science Monitor if it were staffed by Christians & scientists

• As a fan of irony, I'd like to see Roger Goodell announce a face-saving compromise and Brady be so happy he hugs him till his balls deflate

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I’m fine with Mexicans

• I woke up today again wondering if the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple …"

• I predict milk will be next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula!

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall.

• He’s cheerful, polite, enjoys laughter. Yes, the Pillsbury Dough Boy is among the world's greatest roll models.

• Daughter, 9, says my next book should be called, "EAT All the Crayons!" I'm noodling it. 

• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash. 

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Given surplus of one and deficit of the other, I imagine when Jesus returns He'll turn California wine into water.

• I wonder if pigs have hamstrings.

• I’ll bet if Trump wins the presidency, he’ll sculpt a new face on the Lincoln Memorial so honest Abe more resembles Trump.

• If fans of Grateful Dead are Deadheads, what does that make those of us who revere Moby Dick?

• All you need to know about the appeal of broccoli is no one's ever tried to make booze out of it.

• Unless you're a disabled pirate or a sympathetic cyclops, you'll never have a chance to see truly eye-to-eye.

• I knew Donald Trump ran beauty pageants. What I didn’t know was he judged them and that we were all contestants.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of #PETA bread.

• Born in 1867, Cy Young would now be Cy Old.

• This is just a guess, but I'll bet llama farmers refer to llama mothers as mmamas.

• Watching "Frozen." Thinking if I were God, this is the year I'd make every snowflake EXACTLY the same to excite climate change enthusiasts.

• There ought to be a wax museum celebrating the history, manufacture and usage of wax.

• Trump’s incessant focus on others' looks leads me to believe he's the world's only narcissist who's never gazed in a mirror.

• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has horrific connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.

• Too many people confuse irony with coincidence. Coincidence is meeting an old friend at a movie. Irony is when a wolf eats a vegetarian.

• What percentage of worshippers who spent up to 10 hours waiting to hear Pope Francis will instigate road rage incident on the way home?

• Can someone -- anyone -- explain to me why the words devil and evil don't rhyme?

• I wonder if Pope Benedict is sitting in some bar watching saturation coverage of successor telling girls, "You know, I used to be pope.”

• I wonder if alpha walruses ever get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!” 

• Picture of pope & Obama sharing chuckle taken after Francis admitted — surprise! — he's Muslim, too! 

• Sacrilegious observation about sacred man: If this guy wasn't pope, he'd have no trouble getting laid.

• Are minions uni-racial or are there dark-skinned minions behind some wall built by a Trump-like minion?

• Why are there locks on the lobster tank where I shop? If I'm a shoplifter, a live lobster is the last thing I'm stuffing down my pants.

• For purposes of general housekeeping and upkeep, I wouldn't want a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play.

• I wonder at what point during his historic visit did pope say something to cause Trump to strike him from VP shortlist. 

• It says something about American that there are a plethora of erectile dysfunction ads, yet none proposing cures for the cerebral kind.

• As a believer in American equality, I don't miss Jim Crow; as a believer in American folk music, I do miss Jim Croce. 

• I figure by my crude calculations you could probably fit about 5 queens in your typical queen-sized bed. Seven if you persuade 'em to spoon

• I’ve lived a long time but I've never known anyone who when they were young & their heart was an open book used to say live & let live.

• I wonder if I'd get farther if I stopped calling myself a "writer" and began answering "philosopher" when asked what I do. Pay's about same.

• I take a back seat to no one in regards to Stones fandom, but I can't fathom why anyone who sees a red door would paint it black

• I’m having trouble reconciling the fact in my life I've heard many swan songs, yet have never heard a single swan sing.

• Does anyone know if Turkey has a national bird? Could it be this obvious? 

• I hope to reduce afterlife moron population they give each of us a riddle we have to answer before getting into heaven and I pray mine's easy.

• Some words have too many meanings. Like volume (a collection, bulk, strength); or record (recall, an album, etc.) & I'm not touching cock.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly. Just to stick it to The Man.

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