Tweets of the Month

I’m at 8days2Amish. Follow! Like! Share! Love! And stay the heck out of the passing lane …

• For the sake of metaphorical irony, it'd be neat if old wives grew actual tails.

• I used to think they were called the wee-wee hours because they were the clock's smallest numbers. As I age I'm becoming convinced they're called the wee-wee hours because it's when many adults get out of bed to wee-wee.

• I wonder if warrior Indians were bummed when they went to scalp a warring paleface and found him to be, dang, bald.

• I’d like to see a boy named Morley engage a girl name Leslie and have them conceive a child they'll name Equally.

• I’ll bet there are many days each week when Dick Cheney wakes up and is stunned to realize he's no longer President of the United States.

• My ego is so massive whenever I see my 15-year-old daughter texting in car I think she's telling friends, "My Dad's the greatest!”

• Malia Obama to enjoy gap year before college. My gap year was after Ohio University and in many ways I don't think it's ever ended. 

• I predict some time in the next six weeks, Donald Trump will propose the presidency be decided based on the number of Twitter followers.

• Today’s the day when I begin annoying politically minded friends if the Electoral College has cheerleaders.

• Secret ingredient in any good meal is love. Secret ingredient in bad meals after you've been rude to the waitress is spit.

• World won't be whole until everyone either has or is a doting grandparent.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. Try and imagine how different people would look with rectangular nipples.

• Must be tough being a tour guide at Big Ben. They work 'round the clock.

• I like to check books out of the library and imagine I'm having a lively conversation about it with all the previous readers. 

• All you need to know about the taste possibilities of broccoli is no ones ever tried to smoke it or use it to make wine.

• The only thing that today exceeds our national inarticulateness is the number of megaphones possessed by all those who have nothing to say.

• I wonder if heaven is like life in that you like most people but sometimes duck down a different aisle to avoid them in the grocery store.

• From my observation, the canine equivalent of folk man's "5-Second Rule" is the "0.0005-Second Rule.”

• Anytime someone says “the mind boggles” like it’s some kind of rarity, point out that the majority of minds do more boggling than thinking.

• Understand when someone saves your bacon, they're saving it so they can eat it themselves later. Bacon makes people selfish.

• This will betray my warped priorities, but if my house is ever in an earthquake how long will it be before I can safely open a beer?

• How will we explain birds and bees to innocents once the bees are all gone? Birds and birds sounds like something that would upset NC guv.

• I wonder how many times designers of the first drawing board went d'oh when they failed said "Oh, well, it's back to the old drawing board.”

• It doesn't surprise me when scientists say Earth's been rotating for 4.53 billion years. What surprises me is it's never started to squeak.

• I’m spending the day pretending I’m getting from place to place using an invisible steering wheel. Try it. Make screeching sounds on bends.

• True serenity cannot be achieved until you realize the senselessness of trying to change the minds of the mindless.

• I’ve given it a lot of thought and the only thing I can conclude is the hospitality phrase “break bread” predates common table utensils.

• Life for people who prefer vinyl records doesn't begin 'til 33 and a 1/3.

• Some great thinkers try and achieve mind over matter. i wish I could master mind over things that don't matter.

• It’s not something you’ll ever hear marriage counselors say but many marriages wind up in stalemate simply because they involve stale mates.

• As parents, the fruit of our loins inevitably becomes the apple or our eyes, even when they're driving us bananas.

• I’m convinced we in America could end world hunger if for just one summer we agreed to cease all competitive eating contests.

• I wonder how often Hell has Congeniality contests and how long it’ll be before Bill Cosby wins.

• I wonder if there are any sloths who are disparaged by other sloths for laziness. Like, “I may be a sloth but Phil, man, he’s really lazy.”

• “All kidding aside,” are three words you’ll never hear me say in sequence. I’ll always kid. Kidding is forefront to my entire existence.

• Divorce rates will plunge when judges have discretion to make especially egregious husbands take maiden names of their ex-wives.

• People who get religious tattoos often have crosses to bare.

• Why did the grass farmer cross the road? To get to the other sod.

Related …

Tweets of the Month, May ‘13

Tweets of the Month, May ‘14

Tweets of the Month, May ‘15

5-star Tweets of the Month

My best twitter month ever? Hard to say, but September was prolific for @8days2Amish. I think that’s because it was so news heavy and I was really plugged in. With Trump rampaging across the GOP primary field and the Pope’s visit, lots of comments were bound to arise. Plus, my new office has wifi. If something popes into my head, I just dash it right off

And, yes, that popes typo was deliberate.

I hope you’ll share these and encourage friends to follow me on Twitter. Each new follower feels to me like a happy hug from a friendly stranger.

Careful observers will notice, too, that's a new picture above. Had a bunch taken for pending projects. My preening vanity has been stoked.

• Getting out of bed makes me feel like WWI soldier being ordered to vault from trench into No Man’s Land certain to face heroic annihilation.

• Any man who says he is his own worst critic is either delusional or single.

• Told daughter she's growing up too fast and wish she'd just stay 7. She said, "Dad, I'm 9." I told her she's such a disappointment

• If they made a sunscreen to ward off all life’s annoyances it would have to be about SPF 995

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons

• Spanker devotees spend their lives in the pursuit of slappiness.

• Obama arbitrarily changes lyrics of Edmund Fitzgerald so "big lake they call Gitchygoomee" now "big lake they call Rev. Jeremiah Wright.”

• It’d be neat to observe lunchroom dynamics at a newspaper called the Christian Science Monitor if it were staffed by Christians & scientists

• As a fan of irony, I'd like to see Roger Goodell announce a face-saving compromise and Brady be so happy he hugs him till his balls deflate

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I’m fine with Mexicans

• I woke up today again wondering if the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple …"

• I predict milk will be next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula!

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall.

• He’s cheerful, polite, enjoys laughter. Yes, the Pillsbury Dough Boy is among the world's greatest roll models.

• Daughter, 9, says my next book should be called, "EAT All the Crayons!" I'm noodling it. 

• A hyphen-nation is a land to which grammarians will likely dash. 

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Given surplus of one and deficit of the other, I imagine when Jesus returns He'll turn California wine into water.

• I wonder if pigs have hamstrings.

• I’ll bet if Trump wins the presidency, he’ll sculpt a new face on the Lincoln Memorial so honest Abe more resembles Trump.

• If fans of Grateful Dead are Deadheads, what does that make those of us who revere Moby Dick?

• All you need to know about the appeal of broccoli is no one's ever tried to make booze out of it.

• Unless you're a disabled pirate or a sympathetic cyclops, you'll never have a chance to see truly eye-to-eye.

• I knew Donald Trump ran beauty pageants. What I didn’t know was he judged them and that we were all contestants.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of #PETA bread.

• Born in 1867, Cy Young would now be Cy Old.

• This is just a guess, but I'll bet llama farmers refer to llama mothers as mmamas.

• Watching "Frozen." Thinking if I were God, this is the year I'd make every snowflake EXACTLY the same to excite climate change enthusiasts.

• There ought to be a wax museum celebrating the history, manufacture and usage of wax.

• Trump’s incessant focus on others' looks leads me to believe he's the world's only narcissist who's never gazed in a mirror.

• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has horrific connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.

• Too many people confuse irony with coincidence. Coincidence is meeting an old friend at a movie. Irony is when a wolf eats a vegetarian.

• What percentage of worshippers who spent up to 10 hours waiting to hear Pope Francis will instigate road rage incident on the way home?

• Can someone -- anyone -- explain to me why the words devil and evil don't rhyme?

• I wonder if Pope Benedict is sitting in some bar watching saturation coverage of successor telling girls, "You know, I used to be pope.”

• I wonder if alpha walruses ever get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!” 

• Picture of pope & Obama sharing chuckle taken after Francis admitted — surprise! — he's Muslim, too! 

• Sacrilegious observation about sacred man: If this guy wasn't pope, he'd have no trouble getting laid.

• Are minions uni-racial or are there dark-skinned minions behind some wall built by a Trump-like minion?

• Why are there locks on the lobster tank where I shop? If I'm a shoplifter, a live lobster is the last thing I'm stuffing down my pants.

• For purposes of general housekeeping and upkeep, I wouldn't want a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play.

• I wonder at what point during his historic visit did pope say something to cause Trump to strike him from VP shortlist. 

• It says something about American that there are a plethora of erectile dysfunction ads, yet none proposing cures for the cerebral kind.

• As a believer in American equality, I don't miss Jim Crow; as a believer in American folk music, I do miss Jim Croce. 

• I figure by my crude calculations you could probably fit about 5 queens in your typical queen-sized bed. Seven if you persuade 'em to spoon

• I’ve lived a long time but I've never known anyone who when they were young & their heart was an open book used to say live & let live.

• I wonder if I'd get farther if I stopped calling myself a "writer" and began answering "philosopher" when asked what I do. Pay's about same.

• I take a back seat to no one in regards to Stones fandom, but I can't fathom why anyone who sees a red door would paint it black

• I’m having trouble reconciling the fact in my life I've heard many swan songs, yet have never heard a single swan sing.

• Does anyone know if Turkey has a national bird? Could it be this obvious? 

• I hope to reduce afterlife moron population they give each of us a riddle we have to answer before getting into heaven and I pray mine's easy.

• Some words have too many meanings. Like volume (a collection, bulk, strength); or record (recall, an album, etc.) & I'm not touching cock.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly. Just to stick it to The Man.

Related . . .

Six week twitter dump (from ’11)

My 1,000 tweet

Twitter = wit confetti

@8days2Amish tweets of the month!

June ‘14 was one of the worst reader months I’ve ever had as far as blog readership. Where’d you all go? The numbers made it seem like everyone simultaneously just got fed up and quit. Well, everyone, but me. I still kept up the prodigious output, one of the most robust of any real blog in cyberland. But should I gear back this month? Not a chance. Well, not much of a chance. The calendar is filling with recreational activities and what’s the point of being a professional blogger if you can’t behave unprofessionally every once in a good while? Maybe I'll spend more time yapping with my buddy, Dave (above, right). That's always time well spent. As for @8days2Amish tweets this month, I think I’ve settled into a pattern where I’m less prolific, but am producing what I think are better tweets. Lots of thoughtful bits of wit. Hope you like them and that your summer’s off to a roaring start.

• Jesus walked on water. When He comes back, how many think He'll opt for spiffy new Sea Doo?

• Because I can never remember which is which, I propose we rename Vermont "6" and New Hampshire “9."

• Scientists who declare matter cannot be created nor destroyed have never observed a bar of soap in a shower.

• For reasons of justice, environmental improvement & pure symmetry, I think any hedge fund managers convicted of misdeeds should fund hedges.

• I always like the underdog thoroughbred even as I wonder why it's not an underhorse. #KentuckyDerby2015

• I’d like to attend a church where the pastor says, "Spoiler alert!" before even familiar Bible stories like the crucifixion.

• I know truly evil souls go to hell, but what about simple jerks? My heaven will be hell if there are as many jerks there as there are here.

• Because it lasted from 1337 to 1453 I propose we rename the 100 Years War, the Most Inaccurately Named War.

• Being in the presence of friends so good that conversation is unnecessary is calmeraderie.

• Historians devoted to revolutionary study know better than most what goes around comes around.

• After watching HBO's "Montage of Heck," I can only conclude if Kurt Cobain were alive today he'd still be dead. 

• I wonder how many sassy men have died of mortal gunshot wounds seconds after uttering the identical last words, “Ha! Ha! Missed me!”

• ”Nights in White Satin" is a '67 song by Moody Blues. "Knights in White Satin" is a preposterous battle strategy doomed to fail.

• Birds of prey have sharp talons that are incapable of interlocking, just 1 reason why you’ll never see birds of pray.

• People everywhere climb mountains seeking the meaning of life. Don't bother. I looked it up. It's not that big a deal.

• Bedlam is an uproarious situation. Bed lamb is a rural scandal.

• Phone etiquette will improve & and solicitors more circumspect when an app is developed that let's us shock callers.

• I wonder how many white guys named Cliff live within walking distance of the White Cliffs of Dover. 

• New neighbor told me she loves it here. "Everyone is so nice," she gushed. Told her if that's the way she felt she’s yet to meet everyone.

• I wish no ill on any being but I hope for the sake of Earth's collective cool that Paul outlives Ringo.

• Let me get this straight. Taylor Swift was once considered country, but now isn’t. So Taylor Swift is like Steve Earle? 

• Sign all birthday cards, “And may this year you at last be as happy as all your Facebook posts misleadingly seem to indicate you are.”

• If I could go back and re-write "Mad Men," I'd rename the main character Don Drinker.

• One of my problems as a writer is that I'm so well-rounded it's geometrically impossible to ever make ends meet.

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy? 

• World’s greatest sales people must work for Spam. Think of the intrinsic hurdles they must overcome just to get calls/e-mails returned.

• We now have ability to forever preserve things that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see.

• It makes me furious that word that's pronounced "Q" is spelled "queue." Someone's messing with Sasquatch.

• Rodell’s Rule of Consumerism: "The crappier/more indifferent the service, the longer the receipt.”

• I’m a liberal who prefers the social company of conservatives as long as they don't talk about conservatism which they can't so that's that.

• Due to technological advances involving titanium joints, the old “shinbone’s connected to the knee bone,” song is losing validity.

• I wonder if smart alec bacteria ever still introduce themselves with “Spoiler alert!” at fridge parties and still think it’s funny.

• Anyone who aspires to teach the whole world to sing in perfect harmony has never spent a minute at a karaoke bar after 10 p.m.

• Because he's one of our most buoyant and charming celebs, I propose we rename Henry Winkler "Henry TWINKLER!”

• Most people who think they have the world on a string realize too late what they're really holding is a lit fuse.

• It must infuriate accomplished banjo players that the two best known practitioners of the instrument are Steve Martin & Kermit The Frog.

• Xanax? Valium? Neither. Our most addictive painkiller is the tepid rewards of soothing mediocrity.

• Most adults as they become older don't so much solve problems as exchange them.

• Foolish mortals! You think you can tell time. Time tells you!

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• For the sake of recycling, I dream one day of seeing a cell phone tower made entirely of discarded cell phones.

• I wish in the interests of polite society that people described as lightning rods attracted actual lightning.

• Marijuana smokers who succumb to repeated bouts of the munchies are apt to get pot bellies.

• If man can make a Twinkie whose taste will endure through a nuclear winter how come we can’t make a vegetable that tastes like a Twinkie?

• How come a protest has such negative connotations and a contest the opposite? I'll one day weigh the pros and cons of discrepancy.

• I wonder what they told instead of knock-knock jokes before the advent of doors.

• People say "not a snowball’s chance in hell,” like they know forecast. In my hell, there will be tons of snow. 

• I wonder how many angels regret they weren't more human when they were still human.

• I’d like to see how a proctologist responds when angry patient tells him bill's too high and he knows what he can do with it.