Tuesday, February 3, 2015

January tweets of the month

No preamble. No intro. Just 42 of the best 8days2amish tweets from January. Check in tomorrow when I’ll be writing about how my blog’s been banned in China. Honest!

• If you're livin' in New Orleans and yer nickname ain't "Fats" then you just ain't livin' right.

• If I were alive in the Zombie Apocalypse I'd call myself "The Dust.” Everyone knows zombies never bite "The Dust.”

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fries/chicken/etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”

• Question: Which would appear more odd, you with your dog's nose or your dog with yours?

• Scientists will one day announce they've  developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.

• Discussion of North Korean villain continues to confuse me. I thought Rudolph was the deer leader.

• Every time I see a headline involving Palestinian prez Abbas, I think, "Mamma Mia! Swedish tribute band!" But that would be Sabbas.

• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I fear I’ve always acted with cattedness.

• You’ll get in trouble if they catch you peeking, but look under the dress of most any them and you'll find mannequins are asexual.

• The right thing may not always be the easy thing, but it’s always the right thing. The trouble is that easy's always easier and always easy.

• I wonder if heaven has graffiti on the walls that says God is God.

• Smart mechanics only wear CarGo pants.

• Suspects in the Charlie Hebdo killings should be drawn, quartered and drawn again.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• I’d like to see a sporting competition to see who can smack/gouge/eye poke most dimwits. #MOElympics

• I can't ensure nothing bad will ever happen to my daughters. All I can do is ensure they'll know how to react when they do

• I’ve consulted numerous atlases and topographic maps and it's all been in vain. Despite what you may have heard, there is no Moot Point.

• Blacksmith school must be a cinch. Once you get past "Strike while the iron's hot," what else can they tell you?

• Fashion experts who work to ensure ample bosoms fit snugly in frilly brassieres are rack-contours

• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

• Camera operators who film pornography unwittingly wind up being crack photographers.

• If I'd have known I'd be this broke at this stage of my life I'd have worked even less hard. And, yes, I'm aware of the inherent contradictions.

• The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple

• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.

• Prejudice must make people feel god-like. Being prejudiced means you know how people feel, what motivates them, etc., just by how they look.


• I’m surprised dogs don’t try and leap through the TV whenever they see commercials for things like Hot Pockets.

• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

• Rodell’s Facebook Conundrum: ”The more Facebook likes anyone or thing has the less likely that person or thing is truly likable."

• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.

• When the going gets tough, the tough get going! And when the tough get going, I usually say, “Bye, bye tough! Been nice knowin’ ya!”

• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.

• Should Pats win, I hope someone who loves all that’s good about America sneaks onto the field and replaces the Gatorade with vats of boiling oil.

• News reports say smart communication devices top in-demand prison contraband. Now that’s what you call a cell phone.

• My life is an open book. The problem is people don't read like they used to.

• I promise to never vicariously describe any endeavor as a cake walk until I can say I’ve walked on cakes.

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• I don't flirt with disaster. I slip something in its drink, say "Cheers!" and shove my tongue down its throat.

• Light houses are among our most poorly named structures. They're actually very heavy. 

• In honor of  #SuperBowlXLIX my phone number in Roman Numerals is DCCXXIV CMLXI MMDLVIII. Call me!

• If every kiss begins with Kaye, then it stands to reason that every piss begins with pee.
• I’m beginning to understand the peacefulness that comes from no longer trying to change the minds of the mindless.

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