Thursday, December 29, 2016

December Tweets of the Month

It makes little sense, but I still get a real charge out of coming up with funny tweets or ones that hint at submerged wisdom. Plenty of both in this month’s @8days2Amish, I think.

Upcoming posts: Tomorrow, “Good riddance, 2016!” And Saturday my annual mind-numbing compilation of the year’s best tweets.

Thanks for checking in!

• I’m still wrestling with the idea of having to earn a living. Being born entitled me to living and, by God, I intend to truly live.

• I have to imagine a country named Togo has really great take-out food.

• Unforeseen climate change consequence is polar bears will soon need row boats. It's going to be toughest on row boat salespeople. 

• I’d take high road more often but I always get hassled by cops whenever they see a car as crappy as mine in nice neighborhoods.

• If I were in charge of adding automatronic Trump at Disney Hall of Presidents, I'd have him admiring size of own hands during Lincoln speech

• I wonder if temperature in heaven is individualized or if some old ladies complain it's always too cold & bundle up in sweaters.

• I predict 2017 will be the year we all simultaneously learn if a sitting president can appoint himself to the U.S. Supreme Court.

• I remain optimistic one day my ship's going to come in. I'm just fearful when it does, it'll be a leaky one-seat row boat with just one busted oar.

• As of today, I'm resuming my practice of shouting, "Blucher!" moments before the horse whinny on "Sleigh Ride!"

• I’d like to ask Ben Carson what HUD will do when climate change renders Santa's North Pole home uninhabitable

• The people who are most likely to approach me with an idea for my next book are the people who are least likely to have ever read a book.

• I just positively verified the conspiracy theory that the truth is nothing but a rumor.

• Question for wordsmiths: Is it better to be practical or better to be pragmatic? The answer is ... it's better to be just a wee bit buzzed.

• Told daughter, 16, moment I no longer make her laugh is moment I stop trying to be funny. Her reaction means I have about 8 mins.

• I wish I were a famous Hollywood director so one day I could shoot a scene with Robert Redford driving a red Ford. 

• ”Too ugly." "Too fat." "Looks stupid." What is it about Christmas tree shopping that turns my daughters into Donald Trump at beauty pageant?

• If I were God there'd be no war, no injustice & every snowflake would be an identical smiley face. Who am I kidding? There'd be no snow! 

• Note to gift-buyers: The very best stocking stuffers will always be feet. 

• Understand as you go through life that the people who are often most difficult to love are the ones who need love most.

• I’m convinced the world won't be whole until everyone either has or is a doting grandparent.

• This will betray my warped priorities, but if my house is ever in bad earthquake how long will it be before I can safely open a beer? 

• If I were any cooler the Weather Channel will be forced to factor my existence into all its climate change forecasts.

• What should they call those of us who prefer real, live Christmas trees to artificials? Saps!

• I like it when people do good deeds and choose to remain anonymous. Saves me the indignity of having to kiss a lot of ass. 

• Headline says "Trump tells Vietnamese PM he wants stronger ties." Does he mean diplomacy or does he think Trump tie quality slipping?

• It no longer makes sense telling anyone to go to hell. Sooner or later, hell comes to all.

• Sometimes I envy crustaceans. They never need a petty excuse to feel crabby. 

• I figured out a reason why Trump relies on his kids and not a conventional braintrust. It's because Trump doesn't trust brains. 

• “Oh, there's no place like phone for the holidays!” (with picture of family staring at phones)

• The idea behind "pursuit of happiness" misleads. Find a comfy enough chair & pursuit becomes unnecessary. Happiness'll finds you.

• I’d like to see how a Geiger counter reacts if you take one to a Geiger family reunion.

• Discussion of North Korean tyrant continues to confuse me. I thought Rudolph was the deer leader.

• Val thought “Manchester by the Sea” movie a tragedy because of all the bad things happening to people. I thought it a comedy because all the bad things were happening to Patriot fans.

• I wonder if the Bethlehem bullies ever taunted Jesus with the old "So you think you're better than me?" line.

• How come the only time you hear of a damsel is when she's in distress? I hope '17 is the year I see a damsel in, say, a laundromat.

• I’ve never once seen a white supremacist who's made me, a fellow white, feel the least bit superior.

• World’s greatest sales people must work for Spam. Think of the intrinsic hurdles they must overcome just to get calls/e-mails returned.

• Never in my wildest dreams thought I'd say this, but I’m starting to pray Trump calls George W. Bush for advice on how to run the country.

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