Friday, December 16, 2016

Of poinsettias and penis bones

This post came within a whisker of being headlined, “Has anybody seen my penis bone?”

But I calculated the comment section would soon become engorged with snide remarks, some of which would include words like engorged.

So this morning I’m being pulled in two directions: Penis bones and poinsettias.

I have none of the one and about 50 of the other.

Care to guess which is which?

Let’s start with my missing penis bone.

I lost it about 50 million years ago.

That was back when cave man could still really put the bone in boner.

A story from The Guardian declared scientists are “a little stumped” that man is among the only primates and mammals without a penis bone.

Usage of the “little stumped” phrase indicates to me the reporter was either taking a playful approach or else this is one of the most thoroughly researched stories in journalism history.

The report says the monkey penis bones — and most of these designates will sound like great punk band names — can be as long as a finger. But a walrus penis bone can be up to two feet long. 

Two feet! It’s like a groin tusk.

The fact will forever change what goes through my mind anytime I hear John Lennon sing, “I Am The Walrus!”

So what happened to our penis bones?

They apparently succumbed to an evolutionary trick by Mother Nature who surmised penis bones were no longer necessary.

I suspect this never would have happened had there been a Father Nature.

Humans, you see, stopped engaging in the need for what is called “prolonged intromission,” or having intercourse that lasted longer than three minutes.

The bone was necessary, it said, for primates who needed to have sex longer to ensure species-perpetuating pregnancy would result. It also says it was important in keeping females occupied when other males approached to ask if they could have the next dance.

Emerging homo sapiens had no need for those brute defenses, especially the ones who drove sporty cars.

So the male penis bones gradually withered away and disappeared.

What worries me is obvious. What’s the next vital male organ evolution will deem expendable?

I know men are thinking, yikes, could it be the actual penis? Will lack of use cause it to fall off?

Fear not, my penis-toting friends.

The penis will always be a useful and necessary tool in human reproduction: accept no substitutes. 

I’m thinking of another under-utilized organ.

I’m thinking of our brains — the one between our ears and not the one rumored to reside in the penis.

Given the precedent, nature may determine our brains are wholly unnecessary and we’d function better with ever-thicker skulls. It may be happening already.

How many boneheads do you deal with every day?

That most of us are thinking, whew, better the brain than the penis is part of the problem.

Now, about those poinsettias.

Val did a seasonal fundraiser and for two weeks has been tending about 50 of them in our basement in advance of timely delivery. 

A lovelier nuisance there’s never been.

The only reason I mention them at all was I thought using a picture of a basement full of poinsettias was a better blog illustration than a table full of exotic penis bones.

In this case, it wasn't a really hard decision.

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