Tuesday, December 29, 2015

December tweets of the month

Maybe it’s just me, but I think all the really good ones are down toward the bottom. FYI, too, I list these in reverse order so the ones from early December are up top and vice versa. Please follow me @8days2amish or don’t. I’m always sure priority blog readers don’t miss anything good.

• I wonder if there are any fancy & actual bells & whistles out there that boast they are the bells & whistles that come with all the bells & whistles.

• I vow to never engage in petty back and forth. You can have your tat. I'll keep my tit.

• I can't believe there are only 30 days left in 2016 and Donald Trump has yet to personally insult me? What does that say about me? #LOSER

• Chagrined my wife never "likes" anything I do on Facebook. I guess she's just being consistent.

• Don’t believe Zuckerberg's donating a billion. It's an Aaron Sorkin-concocted story to make Social Network II more compelling.

• I’ve yet to see a white supremacist who makes me, a fellow white, feel the least bit superior.

• What’s 1st thing old friends think about when they think about you? With me, it's I'm descended from Swedish aristocracy & have 4 nipples with only one above the waist.

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover. 

• Why is it the typical glass cases I've used throughout my adult life snap shut with the lethal force of mouse traps?

• Hooray for editors! If it weren't for them, Santa could easily become Satan.

• Will future high school history robots think human predecessors were plucky or just victims of poor design?

• People say I repeat myself when I'm drunk. People say I repeat myself when I'm drunk.

• I’m resuming my holiday tradition of always yelling "Blucher!" seconds before the horse whinny sound on "Sleigh Ride.”

• Just read the average income in India in 1942 was $15 a year. I didn't know bloggers existed 73 years ago. 

• A friend told me this and I didn't believe it. Called him a liar. But, by God, he's right. Rick Santorum IS still running for president.

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons.

• Happy Birthday to my wife! She's not 37. She's not 42. What is she? She's more wonderful and lovely than the day we met! 

• If matter can neither be created nor destroyed, how come the world doesn't smell like one gigantic fart?

• Chances of getting rope aficionados to call themsleves "Knotsies" are the same as getting florists to call themselves petalphiles.

• Because stationery refers to letters and stationary means motionless, let's spell the latter STAYtionary. I'd call it a movement, but that’s too contradictory.

• A pessimist dwells on the fact that Smallpox killed 15 million. An optimist says at least it wasn't Bigpox.

• How different would rock and comedy histories be if instead of John, Yoko had fallen for Moe?

• Anytime I hear anyone saying "cooler heads will prevail," I keep hoping one of the cooler heads is Olaf, the snowman from “Frozen.”

• Does the CIA consider it a red flag when countries choose to fly red flags?

• My next book will be, I promise, twice as good as "Catch-22," my all-time favorite book. I'm calling it “Catch-44!”

• I believe in the future childbirth will be done using the “Star Trek” technology to "beam" babies from wombs straight to mama's arms.

• My glass is half-full and 100 proof.

• Phone etiquette will improve & solicitors more politely circumspect when an app is developed that let's us shock callers.

• I wonder if it ever bothered Jesus his birthday was the same day as Christmas.

• If we can make a Twinkie whose taste will endure through a nuclear winter how come we can’t make a vegetable that tastes like a Twinkie?

• Still looking for the perfect stocking stuffer? Consider feet.

• Why did the grass farmer cross the road? To get to the other sod.

• I wonder if in the annals of mob history a man named Stone was ever asked to kill two men named Byrd.

• Glad it's nearly over. Seasonal tensions? Not at all. I'm exhausted from my relentless war on Christmas! Happy Holidays!

• Christmas morning convinces me of the need for a used storage container shop. You could call it "Has Bins!”

• I’m a writer. My wife is an editor. When I thanked her for turning my comma into an exclamation point she corrected me.

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