Friday, April 29, 2016

Tweets of the Month!

Follow my tweets at 8days2Amish! Or don’t. I’ll make sure all the good stuff ends up here on the blog sooner or later. Have a great weekend!

• Until all insects respect my 5-foot cone of privacy, summer's always going to be a bit overrated to me.

• What’s it say about my musical appreciations that George Harrison was my favorite Beatle, but only fourth favorite Wilbury?

• Daughter, 9, thinks Coachella Music Festival is a music festival run by a coach named Ella.

• ”Latest technology" is our greatest misnomer. All technology is dated the instant it is released. Grocery store milk has longer shelflife.

• What are the odds a man called Prince would die on the Queen's birthday?

• Used to tell well-mannered folks they must have been raised by good parents. Now I realize many turn out good by disregarding awful ones.

• I miss good music and simpler times but I'm most nostalgic for the day when I didn't know your politics and you didn't know mine.

• I’m convinced we could end world hunger if for just one summer USA agreed to cease all competitive eating contests.

• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.

• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.

• Just learned Karl Rove was born on Dec. 25. I believe it's the only thing he and Jesus have in common. 

• Many people say they want to be writers when what they mean is they want to be either John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

• How massive is my ego? When daughter, 15, is in car texting to friends I believe she is writing, "My Daddy is the greatest!”

• A good warm bath is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.

• I hope next week Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration.

• The wave of vast emptiness I felt realizing that Mick is 72 and will one day die eased somewhat with realization Keith never will.

• I absolutely can't stand this about myself but sometimes I find myself sitting here thinking, man, I wonder how Kate Gosselin's doing?

• It’s fun imagining how great historical figures would have looked had they worn big militant afros. Try it with Jesus, Lincoln, Dick Cheney.

• How come only people entitled to blither seem to be idiots? Heard plenty of blithering newscasters. Been known to enjoy good blither myself.

• Most perplexing aspect of my existence is how I can go from being so popular at the bar to being unpopular at home w/out getting the bends.

• Mood rings are great, but interpersonal relations will dramatically improve when we have mood noses.

• Any man who thinks he's his own worst critic is either delusional or unmarried.

• I wish Bishop Desmond Tutu had a son named Bishop Desmond Tutu so Bishop Desmond Tutu could be called Bishop Desmond TuTu II.

• Realized I was wrong to wonder which historical likeness Trump will bump from Rushmore when he's prez. He’ll bump and replace all. Mt. Trumpmore will be more Trump! 

• Facebook is like what happens in junior high school classes when the teacher leaves the room to sneak a smoke.

• It’s often said of snowflakes no two are ever alike, but what about popcorn? Needs further study. Too bad I eat most of my popcorn in dark.

• Which is the greater cultural irony: Roger Daltry still singing, "Hope I die 'fore I get old," or Madonna still singing, "Like a Virgin?”

• There’s so much noise I hope to one day evolve ear lids. Like eye lids, I could just shut them in the presence of something unpleasant.

• I have to imagine the swear box in Hell is always full, but what sorts of public improvement projects get the proceeds?

• I like it when restaurants use sandwich boards to promote sandwiches.

• It feels contradictory even to me but I truly hate people who truly hate. 

• I wonder if anyone in the Lewis & Clark expedition ever complained about things like being lactose intolerant.

• We live in a time when many people aren't truly happy unless they're truly angry.

• Toy mermaids must have doll fins.

• Walls are so ugly. I'd like to see Trump announce he'll install a border-long invisible fence and persuade Mexicans to wear shock collars. And Mexico’ll pay for the collars!

• I’m good friends with about 20 true morons and it absolutely infuriates me their votes count just as much as mine.

• The only way curmudgeonly old dogs could be more lovable is if they succumbed to male pattern baldness

• It’s taken 15 years but is finally becoming more like Chris Rodell. What could go wrong? 

• We should distribute phone numbers in order of importance. It’d be fun to watch Trump argue that he, not God, should be #1.

• Often the things we most want are the things that’ll kill us the quickest if we were given unrestricted access to them.

• Daughter, 9, collapses in disbelieving hysterics when I tell her there's a man whose name's pronounced Dick ButtKiss and no one makes fun.

• Told daughter, 9, Rodell is actually spelled with three Ls. "The second one's silent, but the third one is silent AND invisible.

• Put the word "Horny" in front of any two-word news subject and it becomes the name of a great punk band. Re: "Horny Amish Housewives”

• Given news of protestors/reporters being assaulted, I propose the candidate change his name from Donald Trump to Donald Thump.

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