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Thursday, December 31, 2015

A mind-numbing list of year's best tweets

I’m proud of all my @8days2amish tweets. I think they’re funny. I want people to share them. But if you’re going to read this entire list, sorry, but you have to be a bit nuts. I’ve for four years now put together my best-of, which is a tedious undertaking. But it helps me to have them all in one place for future projects. If you enjoy them, thanks for reading. Please do share. But I promise I won’t be issuing any pop quizzes so feel free to give it a breezy browse. Happy New Year!


• If I were alive in the Zombie Apocalypse I'd call myself "The Dust.” Everyone knows zombies never bite "The Dust.”

 • Scientists will one day announce they've developed animal herd made completely of bacon. Herd will become extinct 4 minutes later.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• I’d like to see a sporting competition to see who can smack/gouge/eye poke most dimwits. #MOElympics

• I can't ensure nothing bad will ever happen to my daughters. All I can do is ensure they'll know how to react when they do

• I’ve consulted numerous atlases and topographic maps and it's all been in vain. Despite what you may have heard, there is no Moot Point.

• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists.

• Camera operators who film pornography unwittingly wind up being crack photographers.

• The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple

• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.

• I’m surprised dogs don’t try and leap through the TV whenever they see commercials for things like Hot Pockets.

• When the going gets tough, the tough get going! And when the tough get going, I usually say, “Bye, bye tough! Been nice knowin’ ya!”

• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.

• News reports say smart communication devices top in-demand prison contraband. Now that’s what you call a cell phone.

• My life is an open book. The problem is people don't read like they used to.

• I promise to never vicariously describe any endeavor as a cake walk until I can say I’ve walked on cakes.

• I don't flirt with disaster. I slip something in its drink, say "Cheers!" and shove my tongue down its throat.

• I’m beginning to understand the peacefulness that comes from no longer trying to change the minds of the mindless.

• Teachers teach, bankers bank. What do ushers do? I've seen them ask patrons to be quiet. Maybe they're really hushers.

• For promotional purposes I propose Poland change its name to GOland!

• I once got in big trouble spying on a woman in department store dressing room. She was furious. It was a fit of pique over a peek of fit.

• How ironic is it that New Hampshire felons must make license plates that read LIVE FREE OR DIE while imprisoned?

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease”

• Cynics who do nothing but predict doom and gloom are misfortune tellers.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread. 

• Your life will be appreciably more balanced & sane if you wake up Monday & realize your job isn't nearly as important as you think it is.

• I’m one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble believing God could ever believe in me.

• Most people who blow their own horns never even go to trouble of obtaining and learning how to play a horn. Hence, they just blow.

• Live well & even the most humble home is bound to become a memory mansion. 

• I’m appalled to see Baltimore cops beating Baltimore protesters/vice versa. Only thing that gets me through is knowing deep down they’re all Raven fans.

• Most of prez candidates said to be "testing the waters" are too beholden to special interests to actually ever test waters.

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton.

• In the future, suspicious parents will be able to purchase smart pants for kids that will ignite when the pants detect the youths are lying.

• I wonder if one dimensional people have an advantage when it comes to those hard to reach itches.

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities.

• Oppressed groups making strides in equality. When, at long last, will somebody do something about the long-suffering succotash? 

• A spritely Irish elf is a leprechaun. A 3-card scam that ends up with a whole hand on the table is a leper con.

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• A long marriage is a terrific antidote to excessive ego.

• I think solar plexus is some exciting new kind of renewable energy, but something in my gut tells me I'm wrong.

• Which is more surprising: That anyone follows news or that anyone who follows news is ever brave enough to step outside.

• Any time police are said to be combing crime scene for evidence, reporters should be required to describe situation as “hairy.” 

• For consistency’s sake, we should either begin spelling Raleigh Rolly, or jolly jaleigh.

• No amount of government regulations or assistance will ever help a wheelchair-bound funny man become a true stand-up comic.

• I just once would like to see a cliffhanger show end with a villain named Cliff ascending the steps to the gallows.

• Someone ought to name their kid Serious. He'd say wild things and when people asked, "Are you Serious?" he could say, "Yes, how do you do?"

• Some succeed by digging deep into earth for precious metals. Me, I hope to succeed by having dug many tiny holes & sprinkling seeds.

• New prisons are the only structures that require occupants break in before they can break out.

• I haven't gazed closely enough, but I wonder if among the heavens there's a star named Ringo.

• A gym beam requires steady footwork. A Jim Beam isn't nearly as fussy.

• My daughter, 8, thinks Coachella Music Festival is a music festival run by a coach named Ella.

• I wonder if other owls roll their eyes whenever they hear a "wise" guy owl describe something as a "real hoot.

• Quick! Anyone know if there are any symbols for cymbals?

• How much money one earns is among the most inefficient ways to keep score in life. It's a pity it's so damn easy for all the scorekeepers.

• Because it would challenge sedentary thinkers, I think Nome should be spelled Gnome and Alaska should be spelled Galaska.

• Live each day as if it's your last. By that I mean, daily re-write your will to screw relatives who've recently been most mean to you.

• I wish it was a seafaring tradition that anyone who is called "Skipper" actually moved from place to place by skipping.

• This is bound to sound naive, but could global warming be solved by everyone simultaneously leaving fridge doors open for 15 mins a day?

• Has the advent of ubiquitous smart phones has meant the death of the rhetorical question?

• Something about hearing the words “FLASH FLOOD WARNING” always sends me down to the river pantless in trench coat.

• Spring is when Mother Nature puts on her makeup!

• Powerful thunderstorms through nudist colony could lead to flesh flooding.

• Experts say nude tourists are surprisingly affluent for people for whom description "deep pockets" does not apply.

• I wonder if in the annals of mob history a man named Stone was ever asked to kill two men named Byrd.

• Jesus walked on water. I wonder if when He returns He’ll this time opt for a spiffy new Sea Doo.

• Because I can never remember which is which, I propose we rename Vermont “6” and New Hampshire “9.”

• Historians devoted to revolutionary study know better than most what goes around comes around.

• I wonder how many sassy men have died of mortal gunshot wounds seconds after uttering the identical last words, “Ha! Ha! Missed me!”

• “Nights in White Satin" is a '67 song by Moody Blues. "Knights in White Satin" is a preposterous battle strategy doomed to fail.

• Bedlam is an uproarious situation. Bed lamb is a rural scandal.

• I wonder how many white guys named Cliff live within walking distance of the White Cliffs of Dover. 

• New neighbor told me she loves it here. "Everyone is so nice," she gushed. Told her if that's the way she felt she’s yet to meet everyone.

• Let me get this straight. Taylor Swift was once considered country, but now isn’t. So Taylor Swift is like Steve Earle? 

• Sign all birthday cards, “And may this year you at last be as happy as all your Facebook posts misleadingly seem to indicate you are.”

• If I could go back and re-write "Mad Men," I'd rename the main character Don Drinker.

• One of my problems as a writer is that I'm so well-rounded it's geometrically impossible to ever make ends meet.

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy? 

• World’s greatest sales people must work for Spam. Think of the intrinsic hurdles they must overcome just to get calls/e-mails returned.

• We now have ability to forever preserve things that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see.

• It makes me furious that word that's pronounced "Q" is spelled "queue." Someone's messing with Sasquatch.

• Rodell’s Rule of Consumerism: "The crappier/more indifferent the service, the longer the receipt.”

• I’m a liberal who prefers the social company of conservatives as long as they don't talk about conservatism which they can't so that's that.

• Due to technological advances involving titanium joints, the old “shinbone’s connected to the knee bone,” song is losing validity.

• I wonder if smart alec bacteria ever still introduce themselves with “Spoiler alert!” at fridge parties and still think it’s funny.

• Anyone who aspires to teach the whole world to sing in perfect harmony has never spent a minute at a karaoke bar after 10 p.m.

• Because he's one of our most buoyant and charming celebs, I propose we rename Henry Winkler "Henry TWINKLER!”

• Most people who think they have the world on a string realize too late what they're really holding is a lit fuse.

• It must infuriate accomplished banjo players that the two best known practitioners of the instrument are Steve Martin & Kermit The Frog.

• Xanax? Valium? Neither. Our most addictive painkiller is the tepid rewards of soothing mediocrity.

• Most adults as they become older don't so much solve problems as exchange them.

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• I wish in the interests of polite society that people described as lightning rods attracted actual lightning.

• Marijuana smokers who succumb to repeated bouts of the munchies are apt to get pot bellies.

• I wonder what they told instead of knock-knock jokes before the advent of doors.

• People say "not a snowball’s chance in hell,” like they know forecast. In my hell, there will be tons of snow. 

• I wonder how many angels regret they weren't more human when they were still human.

• The only time my daughters let me in a picture with them it appears I'm photobombing a picture of them.

• If you combine all the time I spend waiting for computers to load properly, I could have probably invented a computer that loads properly.

• Really popular all-you-can-eat buffets are places where the crowd never thins.

• Call me reactionary, but I have to figure they use one hell of a lot of hand sanitizer in Germany.

• Call me a snob, but I do not believe the word "frozen" should ever be used to describe pizza.

• Today I'm driving six 8-year-olds to swim/trampoline/pizza party and if I'm not 100 % sober I'M the one who'll get in trouble.

• It’s one of music's most tragic ironies that the man who sang, "All You Need Is Love," actually could have used a bullet-proof vest.

• Easiest way to differentiate carpenter bees from others is that carpenter bees are the ones wearing the really tiny tool belts.

• Some people tell me my mind works funny. What some of them really mean is my mind works.

• A good warm shower is as close as you can get to being back in the womb without inconveniencing Mom.

• I wish Apple would cease making new iPhones and instead develop an engine that runs on all the iPhones they’ve snookered us into discarding.

• Another problem of mine is anytime I get a real train of thought really rolling the conductor always behaves like he’s shitfaced.

• Given trends against public transportation and for finger pointing, at any given time more people are likely to be under the bus than on it.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic

• Ham radios will be more popular when ham radios are made from ham.

• Many good people in church praying God will change world & bound to spend week ignoring all their god-given abilities to change the world.

• The inertia of summer laziness means my entire ambition this week is focused solely on finding a sensible reason to use "kowtow" in a lead.

• I wish I had friend who spoke just like Arby's commercial guy & I wish he used same enthusiasm & inflection to call about golf.

• I wonder how the world would be different if Noah'd had a fly swatter. 

• When you break it down, padlock is a pretty groovy name for an item that can be used to lock your pad.

• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my pits

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• If they were made today, each of the comedy shorts would have disclaimer, "No Stooges were hurt in the making of this film." 

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Fighting an alien impulse to vanquish boredom by announcing I'm the father of Bristol's new baby.

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they inform patients they've just had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Try and do at least one thing this week that will blow your hair back and allow you to say, “Wheeeeeeee!!!"

• I’m glad the people in medical world allow the rest of us to call what they know is the umbilicus our belly buttons.

• Stephen Hawking to spend $100 million to find alien life. Trump to spend that much keeping it from crossing our Southern border. 

• What umbrella alterations will be necessary in the next Sharknado?

• “London Bridges Falling Down" is a popular nursery rhyme. London britches falling down is a sartorial scandal of epic proportions.

• NASA 8.8 billion planet discovery means the phrase “men are from Mars/women from Venus” may one day be less metaphorical.

• Because I believe in the well-being of my fellow man, I'll no longer say, "Have a nice day!" From now on, it's "Duck when you hear gunfire!”

• If I've learned anything from watching TV today, it's to never taunt Moe when he has a board glued to his hands.

• Does anyone know how disable the app that causes my phone to ring in another room 90 seconds after my butt hits the toilet seat?

• We live in a time when never before have so many unhappy people had the ability to appear joyously otherwise. Thank you, Facebook!

• NASA deserves ridicule for saying there are 8.8 billion Earth-like planets. Wrong! None of them have Trump!

• Infuriates me knowing I could get into a you-think-you're-better-than-me contest with Ashton Kutcher and he'd win.

• Reading Atticus hates blacks would have same effect as seeing "new" “Lone Ranger” episode where Masked Man says Silver sucks.

• I wonder what goes through the dog's mind when he sees me alone in a quiet room frantically looking for the remote.

• What did cavemen call houseflies?

• I’m not up to speed on bovine anatomy, but I have to think a rump roast would come from a bum steer.

• I’m still hoping to see reporter ask Trump to name historical women he most admires & hear him say, "Miss Norway, Miss Spain, Miss Brazil…"

• Coaching 9-year-old to say anytime she sees grade school kid picking nose, "There's a farmer in the booger barn!”

• I’ll bet there are many days each week Dick Cheney wakes up and is stunned to realize he is no longer President of the United States.

• I can only conclude anyone who says puns are the lowest form of humor has never seen an Adam Sandler flick.

• I’m convinced the first thing to go is the inability to resist saying, "The first thing to go . . .”

• Time doesn't fly. It drives a Maserati, drunk, down the Autobahn with a brick strapped to the accelerator.

• Those who obsess over audacious bucket lists go beyond the pail. 

• Forlorn should be spelled 4lorn so we could gauge our level of lorness: Ex. "I was feeling 6lorn so I had a cookie and it made me 3lorn.”

• Remember, having a great relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you can treat the rest of us like crap.

• Silent letters drive me pcrazy!

• Pope asks us to embrace divorced Catholics. Aren't embraces what started all the trouble in the first place?

• Grammarians understand it's possible for a stationery store to be based in a mobile home.

• Stones classic #ExileOnMainStreet turns 43 this year. Time to change iconic song title to "Shake Your Replaced Hips.

• I’m going to stand in dimly lit room, extend video cam & spin ‘til I’m dizzy. Then I’ll post & boast I spent 2 mins in eye of a tornado.

• If you're livin' in New Orleans and yer nickname ain't "Fats" then you just ain't livin' right.

• I’ve discovered new way to make junk science even more suspect: depending on the nacho and the setting, 5-second rule is now the 1-min rule

• Thought of way to ensure real face time with Trump: Tell his people sketches of how he'll look on Rushmore ready and he needs to choose most flattering.

• We will eliminate hunger when the world operates on the same humble principle as, "Need a penny? Take a penny/ Have a penny? Leave a penny”

• Many dads accused of being helicopter parents, always hovering. Me, I'm more of a sidecar parent, just along for the ride.

• I think I'm like most writers in that I encourage ones who are less accomplished than I and disdain those who are more.

• Getting out of bed makes me feel like WWI soldier being ordered to vault from trench into No Man’s Land certain to face heroic annihilation.

• I wonder if Hell has Congeniality contests and how long it'll be before Bill Cosby is eligible.

• Can you imagine how pharmaceutical stocks would have risen if the doctors had been prescribing Ritalin when the #3Stooges were lads?

• I’m in a crusade to get national OBGYN organizations to start calling postpartum depression by a fun new name: "Stork Raving Mad!”

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton.

• Being unwittingly charged merely for seeking tech answers is a fee-ASK-o.

• I’m still mystified why more transgender people don't congregate in a Wisconsin town named Sheboygan.

• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I fear I’ve always acted with cattedness.

• Every time I see a picture of Gloria Allred in the news I think her name should be Gloria Allmakeup.

• I’m like most dads in that I'm not without my faults. I make mistakes. I screw up. I'm a flawther.

• We live in an age where people display more affection for devices that play music than for the music devices play.

• Your typical pessimist suffers from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• I predict this is the week Trump declares he will rename Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Make America Great Again.

• At some point this week, I hope to come up with a theory about why a gun isn't called a bang.

• The quest has ended in disappointment since the dawn of man, but every decent herb factory has at least one thyme machine.

• I wonder how much the bucket lists of people who own bucket factories differ from the rest of ours.

• Fashion experts who work to ensure ample bosoms fit snugly in frilly brassieres are rack-contours.

• If I ever get another pet I'm gonna name him Peeve so I can say, "Here comes my pet Peeve.”

• I understand if I pray for riches, I'll get nothing and if I pray for wisdom, I'll need nothing. I can't help. Still praying for riches

• If laughter is truly best medicine then how come the pharmaceutical conglomerates haven't found a way to gouge us for watching “#Seinfeld?"

• Getting more and more difficult to convince wife I'm obsessively following Ashley Madison news because I'm passionate about internet security.

• We hear lots about Jesus as the Son of God. I wonder about Uncle Jesus. Wouldn't it have been cool to say Jesus was your Uncle?

• Something tells me he admires Trump's moxie, but thinks the needs the guidance of an old Washington hand. Yes, he thinks America is ready for Trump/Cheney

• It had a handsome leading man, an earnest sidekick and international intrigue, but there was something about Ohio Five-O that never caught on. Oh, and Ohio Five-O had scenic corn locales.

• Any man who says he is his own worst critic is either delusional or single.

• Told daughter she's growing up too fast and wish she'd just stay 7. She said, "Dad, I'm 9." I told her she's such a disappointment

• If they made a sunscreen to ward off all life’s annoyances it would have to be about SPF 995

• It’d be neat to observe lunchroom dynamics at a newspaper called the Christian Science Monitor if it were staffed by Christians & scientists

• As a fan of irony, I'd like to see Roger Goodell announce a face-saving compromise and Brady be so happy he hugs him till his balls deflate

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I’m fine with Mexicans

• I woke up today again wondering if the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple …"

• I predict milk will be next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula!

• Daughter, 9, says my next book should be called, "EAT All the Crayons!" I'm noodling it. 

• Given surplus of one and deficit of the other, I imagine when Jesus returns He'll turn California wine into water.

• I wonder if pigs have hamstrings.

• If fans of Grateful Dead are Deadheads, what does that make those of us who revere Moby Dick?

• All you need to know about the appeal of broccoli is no one's ever tried to make booze out of it.

• Unless you're a disabled pirate or a sympathetic cyclops, you'll never have a chance to see truly eye-to-eye.

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of #PETA bread.

• Watching "Frozen." Thinking if I were God, this is the year I'd make every snowflake EXACTLY the same to excite climate change enthusiasts.

• There ought to be a wax museum celebrating the history, manufacture and usage of wax.

• Trump’s incessant focus on others' looks leads me to believe he's the world's only narcissist who's never gazed in a mirror.

• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has horrific connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.

• What percentage of worshippers who spent up to 10 hours waiting to hear Pope Francis will instigate road rage incident on the way home?

• Can someone -- anyone -- explain to me why the words devil and evil don't rhyme?

• I wonder if Pope Benedict is sitting in some bar watching saturation coverage of successor telling girls, "You know, I used to be pope.”

• I wonder if alpha walruses ever get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!” 

• Picture of pope & Obama sharing chuckle taken after Francis admitted — surprise! — he's Muslim, too! 

• Sacrilegious observation about sacred man: If this guy wasn't pope, he'd have no trouble getting laid.

• Are minions uni-racial or are there dark-skinned minions behind some wall built by a Trump-like minion?

• For purposes of general housekeeping and upkeep, I wouldn't want a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play.

• I wonder at what point during his historic visit did pope say something to cause Trump to strike him from VP shortlist. 

• It says something about American that there are a plethora of erectile dysfunction ads, yet none proposing cures for the cerebral kind.

• As a believer in American equality, I don't miss Jim Crow; as a believer in American folk music, I do miss Jim Croce. 

• I’ve lived a long time but I've never known anyone who when they were young & their heart was an open book used to say live & let live.

• I wonder if I'd get farther if I stopped calling myself a "writer" and began answering "philosopher" when asked what I do. Pay's about same.

• I’m having trouble reconciling the fact in my life I've heard many swan songs, yet have never heard a single swan sing.

• Does anyone know if Turkey has a national bird? Could it be this obvious? 

• I hope to reduce afterlife moron population they give each of us a riddle we have to answer before getting into heaven and I pray mine's easy.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly. Just to stick it to The Man.

• I’ll pay no attention to political witch hunts til investigators reveal evidence subject is actual witch.

• Anytime you hear news of anyone dying suddenly, it ought to reinforce the urgency of every moment of every day living suddenly. 

• I wonder if Lazarus had siblings who resented it when his parents celebrated two birthdays each year for their every one.

• Today’s one of those days I wish I had discipline to avoid the news  binge watch in 20 years to see how it all ends. 

• True faith isn't belief in God. True faith is when Curly yells, "Moe! Larry! Help! Help!" & believes situation will improve.

• New study says there are 300 sextillion stars in the sky, a word that leads me to believe they are all porn stars

• It reveals an unpleasant cruelty about myself, but I enjoy looking at pictures of tranquilized bears falling out of trees.

• News story that says Trump has license to carry means I hope we see news story that says Trump's accidentally shot his off his own penis.

• It says a lot about our cultural confusions that caffeine free is as popular an option as free caffeine.

• When I hear someone described as being "as honest as the day is long," I wonder if compliment holds the same currency above Arctic Circle.

• When people ask why I consider myself visionary, I say I can envision a day when all our nipples are rectangular. 

• Any boss who, frankly, doesn’t give a damn why today you’re late for work is a Clock Gable.

• It just dawned on me: there'll probably never be another picture of me taken without my shirt on. You're welcome.

• More people would be more happy if they spent more time doing something they loved just because it was something they loved doing

• Reports say Carson a bungler who left sponges in brains. Is that bad? Me, I wish my brain were more sponge-like.

• I wonder if internet creators said, "There, now no one will ever be able to argue over basic facts ever again.”

• Is it awkward anytime you invite a stand-up guy to a sit down?

• I wonder if clever HVAC men ever entertain themselves at conduit installations by asking, "Tubey or not tubey?”

• Because I'm an optimist about my longevity,  I will henceforth list my age with a prefacing zero: i.e., 052

• Heading to the funeral of the late, great Angelo Cammarata and wondering if a selfie with my friend in the casket would be inappropriate.

• If Cheap Trick had recorded during Biblical times, "I Want You to Want Me," would be "I Covet You to Covet Me.”

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs.”

• If you believe the world's a mess and God is truly our Father, wouldn't you like to hear what Dr. Phil has to say to Him?

• It’d be fun to be scorekeeper the day a dung beetle and a piss ant get into a "You think you're better than me?" contest.

• A Fab Four tribute band named "The Dung Beatles" is bound to be really shitty. 

• I’m thinking of changing my pic to a baby shot, but not my baby shot. Like a really beautiful baby. Like baby Rachel McAdams. Who'd know?

• Anyone who says, "Revenge is a dish best served cold," fails to appreciate ensuing gridlock if Revenge had a drive-thru window. 

• I’m such a reflexive pacifist the only thing I instinctively kill is time.

• Foolish mortals! You think you can tell time. Time tells you!

• I believe our homeless problems will one day be vanquished when America becomes more ingenious about what to do with discarded pizza boxes.

• Playboy’s rash decision to stop showing nude women is an about face from a magazine that’s never really been about face.

• The No. 2 pencil is the Seal Team 6 of writing instruments. It gets all the attention and can't understand why it's not No. 1.

• There ought to be a game show that pits fundamentalist Christians against liberal agnostics: "Covet or Shove it?”

• People who ask if I'm disappointed writing doesn't earn more money don't get it. I'd pay to do what I do.

• Where would the people who know you best send your soul: heaven or hell? I hope mine would compromise. New Orleans!

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities.

• I wonder if more men would care about climate change if scientists started calling shrinking polar caps "Earth's bald spot.”

• Told daughter if she thinks I look embarrassing in my dad jeans I'll just next time pick her up at school wearing my dad speedo.

• Despite the apparent contradiction, it's entirely possible to make an arch comment about someone with flat feet.

• Birds of prey have sharp talons that are incapable of interlocking, just one reason why you’ll never see birds of pray.

• If my life is judged by having raised two well-adjusted and loving daughters, then my life will be judged a success. Otherwise, I'm screwed.

• I’m pioneering a controversial new parenting technique where I only love the child that's being nicest to me. #CONDITIONALlove

• Global warming will ease when scientists divine a way to get the earth to rotate, not around the poles, but in a rotisserie fashion.

• Divorce rates will plunge when judges have discretion to make especially egregious husbands take maiden names of their ex-wives. #divorce

• Do porcine puppeteers pull hamstrings?

• There is a distinct difference between having good friends and friends who are good. I invariably wind up with the former.

• Photos of even unpatriotic chefs making soup are often stirring.

• Is it scandalous behavior or just creative use of space to find a funeral director who has skeletons in his/her closet? 

• I wonder if other owls roll their eyes whenever they hear a "wise" guy owl describe something as a "real hoot.”

• How would match.com profiles differ if men resumed judging women on how good they'd be around a cow? 

• What will you do if you get to heaven and learn it has a No Shoes/No Shirt/No Service policy?

• Reason Mick Jagger sometimes seems bitchy is because while he's one of the 10 coolest people on the planet, he's only 3rd coolest Stone.

• People who get religious tattoos often have crosses to bare.

• Bedlam is an uproarious situation. Bed lamb is a rural farm scandal.

• Women look in mirror and see flaws others cannot detect; men look in same mirror and see perfection others cannot detect.

• A gym beam requires steady footwork. A Jim Beam isn't nearly as fussy.

• The right thing may not always be the easy thing, but it’s always the right thing. The trouble is that easy's always easier and always easy.

• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.

• People who find new money is always burning holes in their pants should invest in flame-resistant trousers.

• Not sure if it makes me a bad dad or an efficient communicator, but I didn't engage in attentive fathering until my kids were old enough to get the jokes.

• Light houses are among our most poorly named structures. They're actually very heavy.

• The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple.

• If a surgeon botches a boob job can they still call it a bust?

• We now have ability to forever preserve things that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see

• You’ve lived in same small town too long when you realize you're personal friends with all the guys on the highway billboards. 

• Consternation is an acute feeling of dismay; constantsternation is chronic.

• Daughter, 9, said she wants to go to Amsterdam. Why? Said she thinks it'd be cute. She thinks it's Hamsterdam.

• Hate to always be so PC, but shouldn't podiatrists begin describing the little toe of dark-skinned people as something other than”pinkie?"

• Even if you despise war for all its inherent inhumanity, you have to admit: The History Channel would be pretty boring without it.

• Your life will be appreciably more sane if you wake up each day realizing your job isn't nearly as important as you think.

• GOP wants Mexicans to face deportation forces. Dems want Mexicans to meet to discuss solutions -- and we want them to cater!

• Men arrested for public urination prevail if they succeed in getting trial before a jury of pee'rs. 

• I wonder if the competitive artists who submit fancy patterns on toilet paper care if theirs is used or if they just don't give a crap.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Told daughter, 9, "I love you. I'll love you forever." Said she feels that way sometimes. I told her she's grounded till she learns the value of lying within family dynamic.

• I’d like to see how a proctologist responds when angry patient tells him bill's too high and he knows what he can do with it.

• Properly functioning auto-correct apps are typo righters.

• Alert the NRA! Declining temperature forecasts means we'll soon be losing our right to bare arms!

• I’m confused about pejorative origins of the word “hardship.” Hardship should be good. History would be different if Titanic were a hardship.

• Even elderly donut makers wake up each morning knowing they have their hole lives ahead of them.

• Square feet can be either a standard unit of measurement or a veteran shoe salesman's bucket-list challenge. 

• Do fundamentalist climate change deniers see any irony in having sons named Noah?

• How sizable would the yard sale be if you had access to all the stuff enemies through-out your life told you to shove up your ass?

• I believe wife would be more open to romance if I didn't insist she dump a big bucket of Gatorade over my head after every successful boink.

• America’s endured so much historic trouble from Iran and Iraq, I'm just relieved I don't look at the map and see an Irab, Irat, Iraz, etc.

• Our most aggravating frustrations stem from times when we demand perfection from those incapable of providing it. 

• I’ve done like the financial wizards advised. I've had nest eggs. The problem is they've always hatched and flown away.

• I sometimes believe a day will come when I feel like a futurist, but I predict the feeling will pass.

• As I intend to break bread with family tomorrow, can anyone tell me if broken bread is offensive to the food ethicists?

• Attending church scares me. I'm fearful I'll need to bury my inner smart ass so deeply it will suffocate and life will become meaningless.

• I wonder if there are any fancy & actual bells & whistles out there that boast they are the bells & whistles that come with all the bells & whistles.

• I can't believe there are only 30 days left in 2016 and Donald Trump has yet to personally insult me? What does that say about me? #LOSER

• Why is it the typical glass cases I've used throughout my adult life snap shut with the lethal force of mouse traps?

• Will future high school history robots think human predecessors were plucky or just victims of poor design?

• People say I repeat myself when I'm drunk. People say I repeat myself when I'm drunk.

• Exorcising your demons can lead to spiritual peace. Exercising your demons just leads to really fit demons.

• Happy Birthday to my wife! She's not 37. She's not 42. What is she? She's more wonderful and lovely than the day we met! 

• Because stationery refers to letters and stationary means motionless, let's spell the latter STAYtionary. I'd call it a movement, but that’s too contradictory.

• A pessimist dwells on the fact that Smallpox killed 15 million. An optimist says at least it wasn't Bigpox.

• How different would rock and comedy histories be if instead of John, Yoko had fallen for Moe?

• Does the CIA consider it a red flag when countries choose to fly red flags?

• My next book will be, I promise, twice as good as "Catch-22," my all-time favorite book. I'm calling it “Catch-44!”

• I believe in the future childbirth will be done using the “Star Trek” technology to "beam" babies from wombs straight to mama's arms.

• My glass is half-full and 100 proof.

• I wonder if it ever bothered Jesus his birthday was the same day as Christmas.

• If we can make a Twinkie whose taste will endure through a nuclear winter how come we can’t make a vegetable that tastes like a Twinkie?

• Still looking for the perfect stocking stuffer? Consider feet.

• Why did the grass farmer cross the road? To get to the other sod.

• Christmas morning convinces me of the need for a used storage container shop. You could call it "Has Bins!”

• I’m a writer. My wife is an editor. When I thanked her for turning my comma into an exclamation point she corrected me.


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