Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Blog tourists coming to Youngstown!

I’m hosting an office warming party Wednesday after nearly nine months because the office has been a bit chilly lately.

Yes, my trusty little space heater accomplishes the same thing but I’m feeling social and there’s a risk of electrical fire when you pour beer into a functioning space heater.

And that’s a mistake you make just once!

Plus, tomorrow starts the tourist season in Youngstown. I have two blog tourists coming all the way from Nadine’s Bar on Pittsburgh’s South Side to visit.

It’s confusing to anyone not from Latrobe when I say I live in Youngstown. They think we live in Ohio.

Nope. This Youngstown is a one-stop light bedroom community to those who commute 1.1 miles to bustling Latrobe proper, sort of what Queens is to Manhattan. Another key difference: unlike the City That Never Sleeps, parts of Latrobe seem to have been sound asleep since 1958.

But we love it here. It’s why I’m always promoting Latrobe, pop. 8,338, in general and today Youngstown, pop. 320, in particular.

Youngstown is hoppin’!

Sure, in some ways, it falls 66 percent short of having all the criteria of being an actual town, which in the words of one of my attorney buddies is “one store, one whore and one barber.”

We have a store and I imagine we have at least one whore, although she’s yet to introduce herself — and there’s a lot of inherent charm in any town where the whores are shy.

And we have no barber, which thanks to near-universal male pattern baldness isn’t as great a grooming crisis as you’d imagine.

What we do have is seven distinct places to drink and dine.

And Youngstown has Arnold Palmer! Yes, Latrobe Country Club is actually in Youngstown, right down the street from Arnold Palmer Regional Airport, the Arnold Palmer Marriott SpringHill Suites and Arnold Palmer himself.

Right in town, there’s the popular Falbo’s Rainbow Inn family restaurant and tavern. Our kids love their spaghetti. We have the fireman’s club and last fall, the Youngstown Grille & Market opened. They’ve been a key addition, providing superior diner food, friendly staff and convenience store staples available at the front counter. 

And as of last month, Youngstown has a prestigious structure few other major metropolises enjoy.

We have our own Trump Towers!

The candidate has some ardent fans who are decorating our town with yuge “Make America Great Again!” posters. 

It’s controversial. Half our residents are supportive, the other half are left to speculate if the nearby security camera works or is dummy enough to allow scot-free sabotage.

Overseeing it all is my office on the third floor of the Tin Lizzy, the building that has history, great food and booze! Booze! Booze!

The building dates back to the 1750s and Arnold Palmer spent his infancy on the second floor.

It’s this kind of boosterism that just the other week drew my first two blog tourists — Earl and Greg — to Youngstown.

What are blog tourists?

They come to your bar, invite you down for drinks, buy your books and demand you accept money for entertaining them for free with the years of faithful blogging.

My kind of people!

We had such a great time I asked them to come back tomorrow.

“And this time,” I said, “bring more money!”

I was kidding. Really, it’s just fun making friends like that and is very gratifying to hear people enjoy the blog and the books so much.

So stop by tomorrow. Festivities commence at 4 p.m.

We can all enjoy a good giggle, some drinks, some good food. If you have too much to drink, you can stay at one of our fine hotels or crash on the floor.

Yes, here in tiny Youngstown, Pa., you can get it all.

All but a whore and a haircut.

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