Monday, March 7, 2016

Latrobe should host America's 1st Actual Slugfest

<Having computer troubles. Imagine a picture of snail here>

I was annoyed all weekend after hearing cable news channels promising real slugfests and then tuning into presidential debates that didn’t feature real slugs.
Snakes and jackasses, certainly.
But not a single terrestrial gastropod mollusk in the bunch, although we’ve yet to discern just what that thing dangling from Ted Cruz’s lip was.
I’ve for years been to many various sporting events that were later described as slugfests where I never saw a single slug.
None of them were all that festive to boot.
How come slugfests never involve slugs?
I love a good offbeat food festival and have through the years written stories about many of them.
There’s the Frog Leg Festival every January in Felismore, Florida, followed, I guess, by the Legless Frog Wheelchair Festival every February.
The Calf Fry Festival — motto: “24 Years of Turning Bulls into Steers!” — is in Stillwater, Oklahoma, each April. Calf fries are bull or calf testicles that are peeled, sliced, breaded and deep-fried — presumably after they’ve been removed from the animal.
Each June, Zilker Park in fabulous Austin has the Bug Eating Festival featuring fried grasshoppers, wasps, hissing roaches and scorpions.
Val and I had one of our best meals ever in Austin at the famed Driskill Hotel. It took place over about four hours and featured 18 decadent courses. It was all very sumptuous and if there were any buggy entrees it was purely accidental.
Many charming seaside communities have yearly oyster fests. I’d attend everyone of ‘em if I could.
I just love oysters.
But what makes a slimy ocean oyster so culinarily superior to the slimy slug?
After all, escargot are served in all the fanciest restaurants for about a buck a bug. And what is a slug but a snail with out a shell? 
The EatTheWeeds website says slugs are perfectly edible “as long as you cook them thoroughly … or else they can kill you!”
Big whoop.
You take your life in your hands going into a Chipotle these days 
I propose Latrobe community leaders rally around hosting America’s First Actual Slugfest.
It could mirror our annual Great American Banana Split Festival only instead of banana splits, the feature would be slugs.
We could have slug-eating contests. Our talented local chefs could create recipes to see who makes the tastiest slugs.
How about slug racing? You could paint tiny numbers on the sides of slugs and set up a slug race track to see which is the speediest slug in Greater Latrobe!
Rules will have to stipulate provisions in case none of the contestant slugs make it across the foot-long finish line before the conclusion of the 3-day slugfest.
And it could artfully incorporate all the uses of the term slug that have nothing to do with slugs.
We could have sluggers from local saloon league softball teams see who could slug the ball the farthest.
Craftsmen and women could make folk art from slugs gathered in the ranges at our many local gun clubs. 
I foresee scholarly presentations by slug experts familiar with arcane slug facts. For instance: did you know slugs have 27,000 teeth?
It’s true. And to honor the fact, I suggest we find a slug dentist to serve as the grand marshall of the First Annual Slugfest Parade.
The Slugfest Dance would be a huge hit with those too normally shy to shag. Why?
Slugs are hermaphrodites. They’re sexual independents and don’t need partners to reproduce. So you could dance with boys, girls or all by yourself and still wind up satisfied.
That’s all for now.
I can’t devote another second to thinking of ways Latrobe can make this event the success I’m sure it’s destined to be.
For some reason, I’m all of a sudden feeling really sluggish.

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