Saturday, September 30, 2017

Stellar tweets of the month(s)

August was the first month in five years of tweeting where I didn’t do an @8days2Amish monthly round-up. There was a huge outcry. Well, an outcry of one. A buddy said he missed it. So for Brent -- and you! -- here are two months worth!

Some of these made their way into my new “Use All The Crayons!” deluxe edition. More on that.

Hope you’re having a great weekend!

• I used to think I had a brain but it was all in my head.

• In 10 hrs this Columbus meeting hall will be filled w/ 200 people who'll be looking at me & thinking, “Geez, is this guy ever going to shut up?”

• I’m so pissed. I just heard they're canceling the eclipse until Comcast can figure out a way to charge us peons to see it. Is this true?

• It’s impossible to calculate how much income I've sacrificed to spend time with my kids. Now I have to impress upon them the need to forever bust their asses so they can afford to take care of me.

• Nearly reached peak internet boredom. Yes, I was thisclose to clicking on a link that promised to inform me of the identity of the one guest Johnny Carson couldn’t stand.

• Spent evening with daughter, 11, at Westmoreland Co. fair. Highlight? While visiting rabbit exhibit, she begged me to quit singing, "Can ... anybody ... find me ... some bunny to love?”

• Optimists understand phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" is not absolute. Sometimes familiarity breeds family.

• The science behind the theory may be flawed, but the 5-second rule is to me the greatest parenting advance in my lifetime. 

• Rumors of centipede infestations have real legs.

• How you aspire to live is your bucket list. How you aspire to die is your kick the bucket list.

• I have no idea what it'll be about but because it's bound to help sales, I vow to name my next book, "The No. 1 New York Times Bestseller!”

• Sloppy WaPo headline says "Millions lack power and water." I think they mean clean water.

• Reports say we're now spending $200 mil/year freeze-removing fat cells. Imagine how much better off we'll be if spent same on stupid cells.

• Woke up bolt upright with a terrifying premonition I'd die a bloody death in New Orleans. Don't care. I'll go back in a heartbeat.

• How many additional calories would you burn each day if everytime you had to change channel you had to rise from the couch and just do it?

• What percentage of malevolent Irma viewers are actively rooting to see an on-air storm chaser get beheaded by a flying pizza box?

• I wonder if the men who nailed Jesus to the cross felt any sense of irony that they were doing it to a carpenter.

• This may sound inconceivable but one day, guaranteed, there will be a McDonald's at the North Pole.

• To be clear, whenever I post anything that says my kids are great what I'm really saying is I'M great & boy, are my kids great. Handsome 2!

• First Harvey, now Irma, then Jose & Katia. And our meteorological conga line of doom rolls on.

• I like it when Trump tweets in ALL CAPS because it lets me know he REALLY means it.

• Amazing new shampoo promises to re-grow hair on bald heads. What happens when you pour some on your palms?

• Teaching a kid to swim by throwing it in the water is like teaching it to fly by throwing it out of an airplane.

• When Satan really gives someone hell is it considered a real estate deal?

• I remain mystified how something called American quarter horses don't have only one leg.

• Some great writers awake & think about writing something people will either enjoy or purchase. I awake & think about what I'll have for lunch

• No one should be allowed to run for public office unless they can prove they once held a job that required a name tag.

• I consider self world's most successful poor man coz I'm happy, loved & optimistic despite being broke. Is this world's wealthiest failure?

• Exploding toilets cause plumbers' lives to flush before their eyes.

• Of all the euphemisms birthed by the Industrial Age, one of the most precious is the locomotive "cow catcher." Right. It "catches" cows.

• Even well-prepared demolition derby students must resign themselves to at least one or two crash courses.

• Here’s a little secret as to why I'm so confident I can write the 60,000-word Palmer book in just 5 weeks: I'm using a bunch of 'em twice.

• Reading on-line is to reading what phone sex is to lovemaking.
Gone is the soul, the serendipity & chance to get your hands good & dirty.

• For posterity's sake, I'm glad my hair styles were post-flat top and preceded the man bun.

• I wonder what Jesus said when some jerk said, "So you think you're better than me?”

• Doggedness is an admirable quality. Dogged people never quit. I'm beginning to understand I'm often overcome with bursts of cattedness.

• I wonder if alpha walruses ever get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" while another replies, ”No! I am the walrus!”

• I’m so ignorant about automobiles I assume each includes one bisexual part because they call it an alternator.

• Top baby name sites say "Christian" is 54th most popular. I'll let you know when I get to “Atheist."

• If I'm a disaffected youthful loner, I'm not joining any group unless member chair says, "And here's how joining us'll help you get laid…"

• People are so sarcastic these days I'm surprised more of us don't hurt our heads bumping into dense storms of air quotes.

• We live in such porn-drenched times I fully expect to soon see Valentine's cards that say, "I'd give my left nut if you'd tickle my right!”

• Rubbermade, Sterilite, Leaktite, Encore Plastics -- you have your bucket list and I have mine.

• It says something about human nature that all know what it means to belittle someone, but we can't imagine bebigging anyone.

• Thought about taking my watch apart to count all the pieces, but figure I don't have the time to kill.

• Beer drinkers who believe their bladders are half empty are pissimists.

• The purpose of commercial advertising used to be to cajole readers into considering a product. It's now there to punish for trying to read.

• Be so at peace with the world the only thing left to get off your chest are your nipples.

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