Friday, March 10, 2017

Update: Me, 1; tick 0

I feel obliged to acknowledge the outpouring of support — two Facebook “thumb’s ups” — from those concerned about being tick bitten in what I’ll euphemistically call a “sensitive place.”

And by “sensitive place” I do not mean the part of my brain that triggers weeping during movies where the dog dies.

I went to the doctor. He examined my sensitive place, as did his young female assistant. He said I was fine. No pills. No pain. No threat of Lyme Disease.

So let me post a handy guide in case you’re ever bitten in a sensitive place. Note: these tips only apply to ticks. If you’re bitten in your sensitive place by anything larger than a tick, I’d suggest you contact either the police or maybe a marriage counselor.

• Remove the tick with tweezers. As noted in yesterday’s post, I took my wife’s advice to try and make the tick dizzy. This was foolish. Dizzy ticks don’t remove more easily than clear-minded ticks. It helps to wobble the little bastard. 

• Save the tick. It can be helpful in diagnosing potential harms. The doctor said mine was either a deer tick or a Texas tick. Since it had attached itself to my sensitive place, I’m referring to it as the dreaded dick tick.

• Wash the bite area with warm water. Because the water runs right off my sensitive place, just how to effectively do this puzzled me. I decided the best thing to do was take the mug I use for my morning tea, fill it with warm water, stand in the shower and plunge my sensitive place right into the mug. I did this multiple times and am now considering making it part of my morning routine.

• Ticks like famous people, too. George W. Bush, Christie Brinkley, Daryl Hall, Alec Baldwin, and Ben Stiller have all suffered from Lyme Disease.

• Take it seriously. I probably wouldn’t have gone to the doctor without Val’s urging. I’m glad I did. I’m now more aware of the dangers and prevalence of Lyme Disease. It’s highly debilitating, deadly even.

Lastly, be sure you thoroughly wash and dry your morning mug after immersing your sensitive place inside it. 

Took me about four sips before I realized why the morning tea was tasting so extra spicy.

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