Our appearance, our souls & what bacon has to do with it

(564 words)

A very attractive woman told me I am a very handsome man. She wasn’t hitting on me, damn it. I think she was just being sweet, so her compliment made me sad.

It all started over my Covid Coif. I hadn’t had a hair cut in three months. You’d think my hair would have been grateful. It had found sanctuary, an autonomous zone where it needed not worry about scissored violence.

But, no, the number of hairs going AWOL seems to have accelerated.

Could it be stress? Coronavirus, BLM, Trump continues to tweet — it’s a lot of stress for a guy determined to save humanity one blog at a time.

So while I have a lot on my mind, there’s not as much left just above it.

Thus, when she said I look great, I defaulted and began a tedious list of the ways in which she was mistaken — and isn’t a pity how few of us can just graciously say thank you when someone compliments us?

We’re hard-wired to feel we’re failures.

It is, by the way, why I recommend no one over 40 look in the morning mirror until you've had at least three beers.

I mention this because this is a beautiful woman. How beautiful?

If I looked like her I’d fill my house with mirrors, strip down to my underwear and spend the day doing nothing but admiring myself as I sat around all day eating bacon.

Of course, I couldn’t tell her that. She might take it wrong, as might other nearby women. It could get back to her husband or my wife. Scandal could ensue.

In fact, the only one involved who could take it in the good-natured manner in which it was intended is bacon. Bacon is unflappable. Its emotional steadiness only enhances my reverence for this can-do meat.

I guess I feel sad because I sense her compliment is evidence that the Johnny Syndrome is infiltrating more of my life.

I first detected the Johnny Syndrome last year when I was golfing. Now, I’ve never been a tremendous golfer, but I was good enough to tell the difference between a good drive and a pitifully weak one.

Whether it’s age, Parkinson’s, or general indifference to the task, my drives began to lack vigor. What once used to travel 210 or so yards, would now flutter a mere 140 yards.

As bad as that was, worse were the patronizing compliments.

“You got all of that one!” “Great drive!” was the gist.

It reminded me of the praise the grown-ups showered on the slow kid when he succeeded in tying his shoes.

“Nice job, Johnnie!”

Now I was fearful the Johnny Syndrome was desecrating my vanity.

Was she just trying to cheer Johnny up?

Or am I misreading the whole thing? Maybe she was looking past my bald spot, beyond my paunch — maybe she was seeing straight into my soul.

It’s a nice thought, especially when we’re in the midst of so much upheaval over our appearances.

I hope next time anyone says I’m beautiful, I don’t start a petty argument. I hope I just say, “Thank you!”

Because in the ways that matter most,  I am gorgeous. I’m cheerful, alert, optimistic, unbiased and eager to see everyone gets a fair shake.

By God, I am beautiful.

So are you!

See, once you get past the baggage of appearance, it’s difficult to tell one of us from the other.

‘cept for me. 

My soul’s the one sitting there eating bacon.

Do not confuse my July tweets of the month with actual policy

Careful readers know my 8Days2Amish tweets of the month are fraudulent; they exceed the 140-character criteria. You are correct. For me, 140 characters is often too stingy, too confining. I rebel. So when I transfer the tweet to my blog, I permit myself some embroideries. You’ll see several examples of that here. 

Have a great day!

• I wonder what Socrates used to say when people asked him if he was ever going to get a real job.

• What’s it say about guys that we dread getting nailed in nuts but could spend hours watching videos of other guys getting nailed in nuts.

• The cynic in me fears N.Korea nuke news has Steve Bannon game planning '20 electoral map w/out big liberal enclave like San Francisco in picture.

• Passing of Mom has many telling me they're sorry she died. Me, I'm happy she lived -- truly lived.

• Many fret over keeping up with the Joneses. Me, I've been lapped so many times by so many Joneses, I just stay the hell out of their way, hand them cups of water and hope they'll mention me from the podium as they give their acceptance speeches.

• If you apply logic of the NRA to nuclear proliferation, won't the world be safer once N. Korea & every nation has nukes?

• I don't know if it says more about him or me, but Trump is the 1st prez in 100 years I can't imagine wearing cowboy boots.

• Considered leaving my piece of crap jalopy unlocked because only thing of value in it is stack of free beer chips from various Latrobe clubs and taverns. Decided against it when I realized how sad I'll be if they're taken. #LockHerUp!

• Unlike here on Earth, I hope in heaven -- fingers crossed -- I become blessed with the ability to fix things. But I worry in heaven nothing'll ever break and my feelings of uselessness will persist.

• When I was young, I imagined my life's line would be a straight consistent rise to great literary success. I never dreamed my line would be so squiggly with so many zigs, zags, advances and retreats or that for years at a time my line would come to complete halt whenever it came upon a friendly tavern.

• Hearing reports of increased solar flare activity always makes me want to grab a marshmallow & a really long stick & make solar s’mores.

• It’s unnerving how so many readers of crime novels think they can get away with murder because they read so many crime novels, but what really rattles is how many crime novels my wife reads.

• I, too, am outraged by video of shark being dragged, but reserve the right to change my opinion if they find a boy’s arm in shark’s autopsied stomach.

• Trump says agenda being twarted by "deep state." I know them by another name. Patriots.

• I encourage women considering breast enhancement to get just one side so it'll appeal to shallow men fond of before/after comparison.

• As way of both meeting potentially friendly ETs & gettin while getting's good, I propose Earth erect a really big For Sale sign.

• I’m going to submit to publishers a book proposal called "Profiles in Courage" about today's leaders just to see if anyone gets the joke.

• I tell people writing a book is like making a bourbon. It could be 7 years before you find out if it's any good. Maybe my next book should be about how to make bourbon.

• Recognizing the blatant fraud has made enjoying this breakfast staple impossible: hash browns aren't brown!

• I remain surprised some creative hand sanitizer company hasn't used image of Pontius Pilot as a celebrity spokesperson.

• News that Antartica is experiencing rapid melting convinces me humanity could be spared doom if someone builds a really big ice machine.

• Guaranteed some enterprising DUI lawyer right now working on defense claiming self-driving car was drunk & occupant was mere drinking buddy.

• PETA must on some level feel conflicted knowing their hard line positions are red meat to staunch vegetarians.

• Scars are life's passports to show where we've been and how we've lived.

• Boasting to friends about how little TV I watch use to make me feel intellectually superior. Now all I feel is presidential.

• Yes, I get angry about racial injustice, inequality and rampant poverty, but nothing makes me angrier than having to eat crappy pizza.

• I don't give a crap about the half-full/half-empty philosophical puzzler as long as the glass contains some bourbon & it'll be replenished. And if you’re so concerned about your glass being half-empty, I suggest you need a bigger glass.

• Our lives are like Mad Libs where key words aren't filled in until the composition of our obituaries.

Related …

July ’16 tweets

July ’15 tweeets

July ’14 tweeeets

July ’13 tweeeeets

8days2Amish tweets of the month

I’m chagrinned this tumultuous political month has passed without me being more engaged. But I’ve been too otherwise occupied to stoke @8days2Amish. Alas, I did what I could. Maybe next month will be more fruitful. Guaranteed, it’ll all be ripe for ridicule. 

• Social media is to reading what fast food is to nutrition. Thanks to all of you who stop by Chris's Crap Shack!

• You know your town lacks diversity when everyone says they're meeting at the Mexican joint and everyone knows to go to the Taco Bell.

• Watching "Independence Day" part where aliens destroy America; wondering what kind of wall Trump would have built and how he’d have gotten aliens to pay for it/

• Greatest drag on US productivity could be reversed if docs said they were kidding when they said male masturbation was a health benefit.

• For many, the advent of social media means our greatest fear is no longer death. It is the fear of appearing too ordinary.

• Although it's bound to upset traditionalists, isn't it time we start referring to the 2K-old "New Testament" as the "Not-So-New Testament?”

• In my experience, the ones most likely to post bitter comment on any story of mine are the ones who are least likely to have read it.

• Technology is the willful and agreed-upon demolition of charm and all that was once beloved as quaint.

• Noah’s Arc was the only cruise ship in history where every level was a poop deck.

• I don't want to live forever. I want to live right now!

• Would a T-shirt still be a T-shirt if I got one with a big Q on the front?

• There ought to be a wax museum celebrating the history, manufacture and usage of wax.

• I’m taking 20 books to sign at Classic Lines books @littsburgh Saturday at 11. Not leaving till sold out! Or hot. Or hungry. Or discouraged.

• For purposes of general housekeeping and upkeep, I wouldn't want a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play.

• This is how I imagine Nixon would look as staff tried to explain to him the how-to and point of the selfie (picture Nixon frowning).

• In these divisive times it is essential that every good American devote at least some time each day listening to the Traveling Wilburys.

• If coral is a stony ocean rock and corral is a pony pen, then shouldn't oceanic enclosure used to keep seahorses be corrral?

• Don’t believe pundits who declare Pennsylvania, Ohio, etc. are swing states. Wisconsin has more parks per capita. It is THE swing state.

• Man, the only animal to spend 80 percent of its time either seated or laying down, is also the only animal to spend billions on footwear.

• Wondering how many times today Trump will ask Priebus, "Tell me one more time why I can't talk about the size of my hands .." 

• I like telling people I have five nipples and that only one of them is above the waist.

• I just once would like to see a cliffhanger show end with a villain named Cliff ascending the steps to the gallows.

• World will be a better place when all those scheming to find the means to an end instead worked on finding an end to the means.

• Did your Mom ever write your name on your undershirt tag? She was years ahead of her time. Mom: inventor of the original Collar ID.

• Trump says Clinton/Kaine appear weak. WWII enemies thought same thing about FDR and Churchill.

• It’d be fun for future historians if Hilary gets elected president and becomes embroiled in a sex scandal with a young male intern.

• I wonder if Bill Clinton has spent even a fraction of a second optimistically trying to recall where he hid all the condoms.

• The tabloid reporter in me is dreaming the next big scandal is that Bill Clinton shagged Melania Trump. Or Ivanka.

Related . . .

Best tweets of 2014!

Best tweets of 2013!

Best tweets of 2012!

What good is Twitter? Dunno. But here're my monthly best!

After quarterly reports disappointed, Twitter CFO Anthony Noto said a nimble explanation of what Twitter does or why anyone needs it remains elusive. I’ve tweeted 4,685 times and I have no idea either. Still, I enjoy twitter and the platform eliminates the need for me to write all this stuff on some dingy bathroom wall, the otherwise logical destination for these sort of things.

You’re welcome to follow me @8days2Amish or you can just keep checking out the blog. I’ll make sure you won’t miss any of the good stuff.  

• The preamble to the Constitution for Concord grapes begins, "We the purple . . ." 

• Rejection & humiliation are challenges we can use to either defeat or fuel us. If true, I have enough fuel to drive my Saturn to Pluto.

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover.

• Another problem of mine is anytime I get a real train of thought really rolling the conductor always behaves like he’s shitfaced.

• Given trends against public transportation and for finger pointing, at any given time more people are likely to be under the bus than on it.

• Report says eye strain resulting from staring at devices at an all-time high. It's an appademic.

• Ham radios will be more popular when ham radios are made from ham.

• Many good people in church praying God will change world & bound to spend week ignoring all their god-given abilities to change the world.

• The inertia of summer laziness means my entire ambition this week is focused solely on finding a sensible reason to use "kowtow" in a lead.

• I wish I had friend who spoke just like Arby's commercial guy & I wish he used same enthusiasm & inflection to call about golf.

• I wonder how the world would be different if Noah'd had a fly swatter. 

• When you break it down, padlock is a pretty groovy name for an item that can be used to lock your pad.

• Given trajectory of men's grooming standards I fully expect to within 2 years see ads advising me how to get a really close shave on my pits

• #hashtag, you're it!

• There are still many pockets of America where "Do you think rasslin's fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• If they were made today, each of the comedy shorts would have disclaimer, "No Stooges were hurt in the making of this film." 

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy.”

• Fighting an alien impulse to vanquish boredom by announcing I'm the father of Bristol's new baby.

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they inform patients they've just had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack.

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Try and do at least one thing this week that will blow your hair back and allow you to say, “Wheeeeeeee!!!"

• I’m glad the people in medical world allow the rest of us to call what they know is the umbilicus our belly buttons.

• Stephen Hawking to spend $100 million to find alien life. Trump to spend that much keeping it from crossing our Southern border. 

• She’s been cagey about not criticizing him. I think a certain former Alaska guv is preparing Trump/Palin '16 bumper stickers

• What umbrella alterations will be necessary in the next Sharknado?

• ”London Bridges Falling Down" is a popular nursery rhyme. London britches falling down is a sartorial scandal of epic proportions.

• NASA 8.8 billion planet discovery means the phrase “men are from Mars/women from Venus” may one day be less metaphorical.

• Because I believe in the well-being of my fellow man, I'll no longer say, "Have a nice day!" From now on, it's "Duck when you hear gunfire!”

• If I've learned anything from watching TV today, it's to never taunt Moe when he has a board glued to his hands.

• What would the repercussions for humanity be if aliens landed and said "Take me to your leader," and the greeter took them to Trump?”

• People always say, "Ah, kids grow up so fast." Not all of of 'em. I'm 52 and it still hasn't happened to me.

• Can’t prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France …"

• I tend to judge all illegal immigrants by how their being here will improve my culinary options so I'm fine with Mexicans. 

• Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself. Friends say when I'm drunk I tend to repeat myself.

• Does anyone know how disable the app that causes my phone to ring in another room 90 seconds after my butt hits the toilet seat?

• We live in a time when never before have so many unhappy people had the ability to appear joyously otherwise. Thank you, Facebook!

• NASA deserves ridicule for saying there are 8.8 billion Earth-like planets. Wrong! None of them have Trump!

• Infuriates me knowing I could get into a you-think-you're-better-than-me contest with Ashton Kutcher and he'd win.

• I dreamt I called Lynne Cheney a bitch last night. Now, I'm afraid if I go to sleep, Dick Cheney is going to waterboard dream me.

• Reading Atticus hates blacks would have same effect as seeing "new" “Lone Ranger” episode where Masked Man says Silver sucks.

• Harper Lee a victim of Murdoch's elder abuse. And here I thought publishing industry only treated nobodies like me with such cruel disdain.

• I wonder what goes through the dog's mind when he sees me alone in a quiet room frantically looking for the remote.

• J. Geils is no longer in the J. Geils Band and through 27 members there's never been anyone named Marshall or Tucker in Marshall Tucker Band.

• When I promised I'd no longer write about politics, I had no idea Donald Trump was going to be the leading GOP candidate.