Monday, February 27, 2017

February Tweets of the Month

No pre-amble today. Nothing but @8days2Amish tweets.

• The entirety of human history can be summed up thusly: One great, big over-reaction to one great, big over-reaction.

• Just to see if it'll catch on, I think I'm going to begin referring to the big toe as "foot thumb.”

• Every perfect parent understands the need to impart some daily imperfection so kids'll have someone to blame for their future flaws.

• What would we call men named Miles if we convert to the metric system?

• Realize even the most successful vegetable farmers are doomed to live in the seediest parts of town.

• ”Titanic" spoiler alert!: A girl whose name is pronounced “ROWS” is deemed save-worthy by lifeboat passengers.

• I’m going to name our next dog, "Gusto" so I can spend my days lounging on my couching drinking beer and still contend I'm living with gusto.

• ”Spare the rod, spoil the child" responsible for more Biblically-justified violence against innocents than any 6 words in history.

• What kind of emoji will you ask them to put on your tombstone when that becomes customary?

• I’m on fire to find a U.S. town named Heaven because I sense blazing opportunity to set up a match factory. #MatchMadeInHeaven

• As of today, I vow to no longer demonize those with whom I disagree. But be warned: I reserve the right to rascalize.

• Which of these two colossal oxymorons is more endangered of becoming extinct: common sense or common decency?

• Long as changing channels is easier than changing minds, watching TV will always be preferable to FB philosophizing 

• Putin must be feeling like I feel when wife says she's taking the kids to visit her sister the weekend March Madness kicks off.

• Charles Manson, 82, said to be near death. I'd like to hear if he thinks Paul McCarney jumped shark with "Having a Wondeful Christmastime.”

• We spend $ on salt to keep roads safe. Salt degrades roads. We spend $ to repair. Possible solution: Make roads out of salt. Needs study.

• How can it be that George Harrison is my favorite Beatle but isn't even my third favorite Wilbury?

• Many afraid of what Trump will do in his first 100 days have it wrong. Be terrified of what he'll do his last 100 days. 

• I was thinking how interesting these days will be to historians in 30 years. Then I realized in 30 years we may all BE history.

• Wonder if guys in heaven talk about earth bodies the way they talk about old cars: "It was bald, had a great big ass, tiny li’l pecker but, man, the thing got great mileage.”

• My desire to live a long time is at odds with my eagerness to donate all my still-healthy organs to needy less fortunates.

• We live in a time when being right or being wrong matters less than always having someone to blame when it all goes to hell. 

• Many of the people who are opposed to building physical walls along the Mexican border are more than happy to construct truly ugly mental ones between themselves and the neighbors they see every day.

• Insane too broad a term for rampant madness we see in society. Insane should be for people who are quietly crazy. Rest of us are outsane.

• Given the trajectory of human intellect, the only time everyone will be correct is when we're all wearing "I'm With Stupid" shirts.

• Saying anyone is a "real bitch" is real redundant. No one sets out to be a fake bitch.

• I’m one of those guys who loves the sound of leaves blowing along the ground, but hates the sound of leaf blowers.

• You can say obnoxious things about politics, criticize my character. But it won't be over 'til you offer me a pizza with pineapple on it.

• I wish I had time to watch more TV but, alas, I'm just a humble blogger trying to get by. It's not like I'm president of the United States.

• If "All You Need is Love" were re-written to your needs what would it be? Mine: "All You Need is Cadbury Eggs.”

• Only thing that eases my terrors at thought of robots taking over world is the realization that it will have to involve monkey robots, too.

• Like the pessimist, the optimist is wrong about 50 percent of the time. The difference? Optimist is cheerful 100 percent of the time.

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