Monday, March 5, 2012

Hard facts on GOP contraception controversy

I am the father of two daughters I adore. I love them both very much.

Most of the time.

I love them both equally except when I don’t. Sometime I find myself loving the one more than the other because the one is being extra-affectionate to compensate for her sister calling me stinky. She will learn one day this behavior is called “ass kissing” and while I disapprove, it’s often very effective with me and other people given to shallow emotions.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I never had children. In many ways, I imagine it would be much more leisurely and I’d be a more skilled golfer.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if we had four or five children. I imagine it would be hell.

While, as you can see, I am an ambivalent parent, I’ve not once had any negative feelings about condoms or birth control pills.

I’m very much in favor of them and all their fertility-busting cousins.

In fact, there were times when I exalted over having access to a single condom the way professional football players exalt over having victorious access to the Lombardi trophy.

Just when did contraceptives become so controversial?

It contradicts logic.

Global warming, starvation, poverty -- there isn’t a problem on the planet that couldn’t be eased by reducing the number of people we have standing on it.

I’m one of those guys who think men and women should have access to every single type of contraceptive they want and they should be in sidewalk vending machines right next to the ones that dispense Coke and other sodas harmful to our health.

I’d go ever further.

I think the government should put erection detectors in the beds of every single adolescent boy in America. As soon as a virgin boy’s first erection is detected, SEAL Team 6 should should parachute onto the house armed with suitcases full of condoms.

These men should then explain to the boy what sex is, what it leads to, and how it can enhance or destroy his life depending on the choices he makes.

Then he should be told that whenever he’s alone with a girl and feels an erection beginning to bud he should immediately begin putting condoms on everything and three condoms on some things.

When I hear leading Republicans tell us this isn’t about sex, it’s about religious freedom, I’m reminded of H.L. Mencken who said, “When someone says it isn’t about money, it’s about money.”

U.S. Senator Dale Bumpers updated the phrase for the Clinton impeachment trials when he said, “When you hear someone say this isn’t about sex, it’s about sex.”

This has nothing to do with religious freedom and everything to do with sex.

The Republicans are once again trying to legislate it out of human nature, and even Republicans are beginning to sense it’s going to cost them.

“Republicans being against sex is not good,” observes sensible GOP consultant Alex Castellanos. “Sex is popular.”

It’s looking more and more like Republicans, in fact, are going to get a lesson on over-population come November 6 when vast majorities of Americans show up to vote for Democrats.

That’s fine with me. I support a party that encourages common sense solutions to the impulsive challenges Mother Nature imposes on us all.

Every responsible parent, church and political party should be encouraging behavior that reduces the likelihood of unplanned pregnancies.

That’s why we need artificial ways to reduce the number of unwanted children we have.

The reduction in the number of unwanted Republican office holders will occur more naturally.

And, just to be clear, I was being facetious earlier when I said I only love my daughters just part of the time. I love them both all of the time with a love so great it’s difficult to express.

And I love only slightly less all the contraceptives we use that ensure I’ll never have another one.

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