Saturday, February 4, 2012

Thoughts on the Super Bowl

I believe I’m deserving of acclaim for having gone the past two weeks and not once mentioning the Super Bowl. In fact, other than a tweet announcing my phone number in Roman Numerals is DCCXXIV CMLXI MMDLVIII, I haven’t really thought about it.

But I fear if I don’t write something about the game, the NFL might revoke my blogging license and I’ll lose out on all these great blogging perks. So let’s ensure that doesn’t happen by filing some scattergun thoughts as the hype ascends to unbearable levels.

I'm filled with dread knowing something I've avoided for 30 years is bound to happen in scant hours. Yes, I'll watch Madonna perform. Super Bowl halftime acts should be like host cities. We should just go back to the greats again and again. That means Petty, McCartney, Stones, Springsteen each get to play once very five or six years. And I get to pick who performs, which means every two or three years you get a Lucinda Williams, a Todd Snider or Robert Earl Keen.

• Tom Brady keeps making it easy to hate him. This week it was leaked that his supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen had written a sappy note to family and friends asking them all to pray that Tommy does well and leads the Patriots to victory. I'll pray that every Haitian refugee wins their first Super Bowl ring before I pray Tom Brady wins his fourth.

• The high in Indianapolis tomorrow will be about 44-degrees, or about 25-degrees cooler than it will be in New Orleans. Nothing against, Indy, but if I’m going to a Super Bowl, I want to see flowers, outdoor dining and be able to stroll around in short sleeves. The Super Bowl will be in New York City in two years. How long before it’s in Buffalo?

• Why not homeboy John Mellencamp in Indy instead of Madonna? My wife and I saw him with Dylan and Willie Nelson a few years ago. Didn’t know what the expect. The man rocks. He’d be perfect.

• The next step in halftime entertainment will be to project holograms of dead icons. And that will be magnificent. I’m thinking a 70-foot Elvis singing, “Hound Dog.”

• Something tells me this game will be remembered for a really bad call and it’ll involves a Giant defender hitting the Lady Brady just a tad too hard.

• How come Elton John’s never been asked to perform halftime duties? He’s only the most popular and beloved performer on the planet. I’m loving him as much for being so provocative and honest as for all his indelible music. When asked what he thought Madonna should do on Sunday, he advised, “Try not to lip-synch too badly.” A few years ago he described Keith Richards as resembling an “arthritic monkey.” The bitch is back? The bitch never left.

• The only reason I’m happy Pittsburgh got bounced from the playoffs was because it spars us from seeing our idiot mayor participating in those ridiculous inter-city bets the media for some reason feel obliged to cover.

• I’m surprised Bundchen’s note didn’t reveal she spells her husband’s name “Tawmmi” with a little smiley heart dotting the i.

• Other great future hologram performers: Sinatra, Tina Turner, Chuck Berry, James Brown and one day, yes, The Beatles. Mark my words, if there’s a rock ‘n’ roll heaven, one day they’ll reunite on stage at the Bridgestone Super Bowl Halftime Show. It’s bound to happen.

• I hope the Giants so relentlessly and fiercely pursue Tawmmi that he visibly wets his pants and the stain reveals he pees pink.

• My prediction: Giants 27, Patriots 17. Wake me when it’s over.

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