Thursday, December 29, 2011

What if Tebow is Jesus?

If I were Denver Bronco coach John Fox I’d order NFL sensation Tim Tebow to show up for Sunday’s game wearing sandals, a long robe and riding a donkey into the stadium.

It’s bound to give the Broncos an edge if his opponents think they’re lining up against the Prince of Peace.

Win Sunday and the Broncos begin an improbable playoff run led by a quarterback revered by Christians and derided by ESPN analysts and, I presume, Satan.

Tebow has in just eight weeks become my second favorite Christian behind only Christ. As I wrote here on November 16, he’s a role model who doesn’t deny being a role model.

He’s cheerful whether he wins or loses, he shares credit, he doesn’t taunt, showboat and it’s a near-cinch he’ll never say the words, “I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Kato Kaelin.”

I don’t pray over small potato matters like NFL game outcomes. That demeans God.

I’m praying Tebow wins because it might mean the only overlooked aspect of the Tebow story might then come to pass.

I’m praying that Tebow is truly the Second Coming.

And I’m not talking about Denver Hall of Fame quarterback John Elway.

I’m hoping he’s the prophesied Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

Who’s to say he’s not?

We’re taught in Sunday school to believe no man (or female sideline reporter) can know the hour of Christ’s return.

So it would certainly be a shocking surprise if just before Super Bowl halftime a heavenly dove landed on Tebow’s shoulder and a voice from on high thundered, “This is my beloved Son with whom I am well pleased . . . Let’s go Broncos!”

The announcement would herald the Son of God’s return to earth to lead the good in triumphant battle over all evil.

Paradise will ensue, at least for those of us who assume we’re the good guys (don’t hog the passing lane, kind to children and old people, never resort to annoying ALL CAPS e-mails, etc.).

The Super Bowl is the world’s most watched event. Wouldn’t God want a large audience to trumpet the news that the apocalypse was about to commence, one would hope immediately following the game?

Plus, if it’s timed just right it would pre-empt that saint of unholy sacrilege, Madonna, and her sure-to-be-cringe-worthy Bridgestone Halftime Show, giving God a nifty two-fer.

What if Tebow is J.C. II?

This is one of those times when I regret placing trivial knowledge above Bible study. Yes, it might have been a mistake to spend so much time learning to say, “Two big beers!” in 12 different languages.

It is my layman’s understanding a time of tumult will ensue as Jesus -- Tebow? -- leads us against the Satanic forces of evil -- Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys?

Again, Tebow precedents support my supposition. Chaos reigns for most of the games he starts, then Tebow shows an uncanny knack to make miraculous comebacks in the game’s last two minutes.

People are always talking about them wanting Jesus to return -- and they mean it in a holy way and not in reference to special teams duties. But I wonder how many of them really mean it.

Pestilence, war, famine -- it sounds as horrific as it does familiar.

I’d just like to see Him return to hear Him answer some questions:

  • I believe God created heaven and earth, but who or what created God?

  • If God is as omnipotent as I believe he is, why doesn’t he just slay Satan?

  • Why does God permit so much unholy killing in His name?

  • If the Broncos do make it to the Super Bowl, will they cover the point spread?

Do not be surprised if none of this hopeful speculation comes to pass.

The Super Bowl is being played indoors this year and God may not want to send a sacred dove of peace through the nylon roof of Indy’s RCA Dome.

He might want to wait until next year.

And He might not want to anoint Tebow at halftime, preferring to wait until the end of the game for a holy play on the traditional, “I’m going to Disneyland!” moment.

Our new savior could be baptized, not with holy water, but with victory Gatorade.


Anonymous said...

praise the lord

Anonymous said...

Kaelin was "best friends" with actor/comedian Norm Macdonald from mid 2000 to mid 2001 according to Macdonald's The Norm Show co-star Artie Lange. Kaelin was even given a guest role on the show. The two had a "falling out," ending their friendship.

He was married to Cynthia Coulter from 1983 to 1989;[4] they have one child.

Chris Rodell said...

Thanks for the update. I'm a big Artie fan. Norm, too. I didn't know that about Norm and Kato.

Happy New Year!