Steelers lose; Tebow amazes

The Scriptural implications of the Steeler loss are too immense for me to tackle here, especially in the wake of an afternoon full of poor tackling.

So instead of a typical post, I’m going to open the floor up for questions.

And wouldn’t it be fun if anytime anyone said they were going to open the floor for questions, the floor actually opened up and all the questioners fell screaming to Hell?

Anyhow, the floor is now open for questions: watch your step.

Q: How depressed are you over the Tim Tebow-led Bronco upset of your hometown Steelers?

A: Hardly at all. It was an outstanding football game. The Steelers have won six Super Bowls in my lifetime and will surely win again. As a fan, my cup runneth over -- and so do the three Stanley Cups and I’ve seen the Penguins win. I refer you to last year’s take when the Steelers lost to Green Bay in the Super Bowl if you’re interested in my thoughts on disappointment.

Q: Your thoughts on Tebow throwing for 316 yards, a numeric reminder of his favorite Bible passage, John 3:16?

A: Love it. It’s a nifty reminder of the Bible’s most beautiful promise: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” Let me be the first to point out that the final score could refer to Proverbs 29:23, “A man’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.” I interpret that to mean monster Iowa offensive tackle Reilly Reiff will still be available when the Steelers draft 24th.

Q: Do you have any opinion on the complicated new NFL overtime format?

A: It’s my understanding that it’s no longer sudden death and that both teams get a shot at scoring unless they don’t. The format took four times longer to explain than the actual overtime took to play. It proves once again the NFL is ruled by people who love rules.

Q: Are there any historical precedents for Tebow’s feat?

A: Yes, two. The first is Franco Harris’s 1972 Immaculate Reception; and the 1984 “Hail Flutie” pass that allowed Doug Flutie and Boston College to beat the University of Miami. The Tebow play has the same sort of indelible wow feel. It’s the heart of what makes watching sports so special.

Q: What about the Tebow naysayers? None has been more critical than one of your favorite old Steelers, Merrill Hodge. What would you say to him?

A: His mea culpa should be public and along the lines of an obscure old Don Schlitz country song called, “Six Words.” It’s about what a married man should say when he’s been caught redhanded making a terrible mistake: “I’m an asshole. It’s my fault. I’m a worthless slug in deed and thought. I’m so grateful deep down I got caught . . . ‘cause I’m an asshole and it’s my fault.”

Q: A little harsh on Hodge, aren’t you?

A: No, harsh will be what he experiences when he walks through every restaurant or airport for at least the next four months. His criticisms of Tebow seemed bitter, petty and somehow personal. What good would sports be if we didn’t allow for the possibility that sometimes magical things can happen?

Q: Are you saying what happened with Tebow was magic or miraculous?

A: What I’m saying is the Lord moves in mysterious ways. And so does Tebow whenever he’s flushed from the pocket.

Q: Still don’t think he’s a skilled quarterback?

A: There are times he looks with a football like I look when confronted with a question involving math: he’s confused, he looks like he needs help, he acts as if he’d like to toss the thing in the air and run the other way. But that just makes it that much more entertaining when he completes an actual pass, sort of like when I can calculate a tip without electronic assistance.

Q: Did Tebow beating the Steelers inspire you to hum any spiritual hymns?

A: No, but I can’t get “Pinball Wizard,” the Elton John version, out of my head. I think we can all agree when it comes to football, that deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball.

Q: Still think there’s a chance that Tebow might be Jesus, as you wrote two weeks ago?

A: I’m not saying one way or the other, but I hope my graciousness in defeat will be something he’ll remember on Judgement Day.

Q: Well, that’s a surprisingly Scriptural take from you on a football game. Anything else?

A: Yeah, remember that John 11:35 verse, “Jesus Wept?” It has me wondering if He bet the Steelers.

Q: So I’m to take it you’re rooting for Tebow and the Broncos to beat the Patriots?

A: Certainly, and for ironic balance I’m hoping in victory he throws for precisely 666 yards.

What if Tebow is Jesus?

If I were Denver Bronco coach John Fox I’d order NFL sensation Tim Tebow to show up for Sunday’s game wearing sandals, a long robe and riding a donkey into the stadium.

It’s bound to give the Broncos an edge if his opponents think they’re lining up against the Prince of Peace.

Win Sunday and the Broncos begin an improbable playoff run led by a quarterback revered by Christians and derided by ESPN analysts and, I presume, Satan.

Tebow has in just eight weeks become my second favorite Christian behind only Christ. As I wrote here on November 16, he’s a role model who doesn’t deny being a role model.

He’s cheerful whether he wins or loses, he shares credit, he doesn’t taunt, showboat and it’s a near-cinch he’ll never say the words, “I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Kato Kaelin.”

I don’t pray over small potato matters like NFL game outcomes. That demeans God.

I’m praying Tebow wins because it might mean the only overlooked aspect of the Tebow story might then come to pass.

I’m praying that Tebow is truly the Second Coming.

And I’m not talking about Denver Hall of Fame quarterback John Elway.

I’m hoping he’s the prophesied Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

Who’s to say he’s not?

We’re taught in Sunday school to believe no man (or female sideline reporter) can know the hour of Christ’s return.

So it would certainly be a shocking surprise if just before Super Bowl halftime a heavenly dove landed on Tebow’s shoulder and a voice from on high thundered, “This is my beloved Son with whom I am well pleased . . . Let’s go Broncos!”

The announcement would herald the Son of God’s return to earth to lead the good in triumphant battle over all evil.

Paradise will ensue, at least for those of us who assume we’re the good guys (don’t hog the passing lane, kind to children and old people, never resort to annoying ALL CAPS e-mails, etc.).

The Super Bowl is the world’s most watched event. Wouldn’t God want a large audience to trumpet the news that the apocalypse was about to commence, one would hope immediately following the game?

Plus, if it’s timed just right it would pre-empt that saint of unholy sacrilege, Madonna, and her sure-to-be-cringe-worthy Bridgestone Halftime Show, giving God a nifty two-fer.

What if Tebow is J.C. II?

This is one of those times when I regret placing trivial knowledge above Bible study. Yes, it might have been a mistake to spend so much time learning to say, “Two big beers!” in 12 different languages.

It is my layman’s understanding a time of tumult will ensue as Jesus -- Tebow? -- leads us against the Satanic forces of evil -- Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys?

Again, Tebow precedents support my supposition. Chaos reigns for most of the games he starts, then Tebow shows an uncanny knack to make miraculous comebacks in the game’s last two minutes.

People are always talking about them wanting Jesus to return -- and they mean it in a holy way and not in reference to special teams duties. But I wonder how many of them really mean it.

Pestilence, war, famine -- it sounds as horrific as it does familiar.

I’d just like to see Him return to hear Him answer some questions:

• I believe God created heaven and earth, but who or what created God?

• If God is as omnipotent as I believe he is, why doesn’t he just slay Satan?

• Why does God permit so much unholy killing in His name?

• If the Broncos do make it to the Super Bowl, will they cover the point spread?

Do not be surprised if none of this hopeful speculation comes to pass.

The Super Bowl is being played indoors this year and God may not want to send a sacred dove of peace through the nylon roof of Indy’s RCA Dome.

He might want to wait until next year.

And He might not want to anoint Tebow at halftime, preferring to wait until the end of the game for a holy play on the traditional, “I’m going to Disneyland!” moment.

Our new savior could be baptized, not with holy water, but with victory Gatorade.