Monday riddles of life/colonoscopies

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Sorry to start your week off with a riddle, but what begins at the bottom, has 5 feet, and ends back at the beginning?

A Monday blog about your colonoscopy!

Haven’t had one?

Then someone somewhere soon is about to advise you it’s time.

It could save your life. The procedure can both detect and remove pre-cancerous polyps that kill 51,000 Americans a year. That’s a tragically high number for something that could be so easily preventable if only we all agreed to take some common sense precautions.

Of course, it’s only ballpark 10,000 more annual deaths than those 40,000 poor hapless bastards killed by all-American gun violence and no one wants to do squat about that so big whoop.

Speaking of squat, colonoscopy patients should be prepared to do lots of that. They make you drink a diabolical solution the day before to make your gastro-industrial tract clean as a whistle, albeit a whistle no sane person would ever wish to blow.

Why all this talk of colonoscopies when I had mine done, oh, about three years ago?

I recently had to take a loved one in for hers. Patients are highly medicated for 24 hours so now we know just what it takes to get me to be the designated driver. So I’m sitting there all sober and observant and I was struck by how factory-like this procedure has become.

There were maybe a dozen in the waiting room and one after another they just kept coming.

To further the proctological factory analogy, it was a real ASS-embly line.

Being there amidst so many anxious patients, had me recalling my own experience. What do I remember most? I remember thinking anti-drug crusader Nancy Reagan was wrong. Drugs aren’t bad.

Drugs are terrific! Who knew having 5-feet of apparatus surgically shoved up your rectum could involve so much euphoria?

I’ve since heard an unverified bar chatter that the drugs they use to put you out for the colonoscopy are the same ones King of Pop Michael Jackson OD’d on.

It seems all too convenient: a drug they give you before they shove something up your rear is misused by a man who …

The obvious punchlines are too lazy for even me.

I’m suspicious of the pictures they give you in post-op. They tell you it was taken deep inside your very own colon.

I hate to sound like some cracker colo-racist, but they all look exactly alike. Like I couldn’t believe it when they showed me pictures of what they said were my colon. It looked so ordinary

“This can’t be mine,” I protested. “My colon is much more handsome. And if this colon is mine then where’s the mustache?”

I once did a story for Esquire about what it’s like to be a proctologist. I wish I still had it because the doctor had a great self-deprecating sense of humor. He said his friends all called him “the Rear Admiral.”

He had a bunch of other fart jokes like that and said he goes to work each day knowing he’s saving lives.

I wonder about the many people working in the Excela Health Center on Donohoe Road where we’d been sent. Every single person, from receptionist to doctor, was cheerful and friendly. If anyone was feeling occupational burnout, they kept it concealed.

I’ve been in surlier ice cream shops.

Could it be seeing the full range of humanity so vulnerable, so exposed, makes one more appreciative of our common decency?

Could it be as simple as that? Could it be a 9-to-5 exposure to real assholes somehow bestows an understanding that deep down inside — deep up inside — there aren’t quite so many metaphorical ones.

Or maybe they’re just better at turning the other cheek. It’s a Biblical sentiment for most of us, but many of them had to pass a test on the maneuver back in med school.

And that’s as good a place as any to conclude an essay on colonoscopies.

The End.

Related …

Doc pays $500,000 for colonoscopy banter

(Just this one recommendation today. I do so to encourage you to read this one. It’s very funny.)

Can synagogue shooter sue over defective gun?

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If I today were a publicity-mad attorney — is there any other kind? — I know exactly what I’d be doing: I’d file a defective product lawsuit against the manufacturer of the AR-type assault weapon used in the California synagogue shooting that left one dead and three wounded.

The grounds? It failed to wipe out more innocents.

One mealy coffin?

Authorities say the shooter had intended a higher body count, but the stupid gun jammed. That’s not supposed to happen.

Someone should have to pay.

Imagine the scalding ridicule from the scores of other spree killers who’ve used the very same weapon to kill hundreds in elementary schools, churches, movie theaters and other places Americans have come to know to be common killing grounds.

I’d depose who sold him the gun. They say a good attorney never asks a question to which he doesn’t know the answer. That must make me a brilliant attorney because I can prophesy word-for-word exactly what he’s going to say.

ME: “Did you ask the shooter to reveal his sexuality before you sold him the weapon?”

HIM: “His sexuality? Why would I do that?”

ME: “Please, I’ll ask the questions. You’d do that because we live in a land where Mike Pence thinks Indiana bakers should have the right to ask about customer sexuality before they decide if they feel like baking a wedding cake for couples they suspect might be homos. I’m trying to determine your priorities.”

HIM: “I did not ask about his sexuality. We gun sellers would never dream of getting into those sorts of morality issues.”

ME: “You’re telling me. Do your weapons come with guarantees?”

HIM: “Our standard warranty covers lifetime single ownership excluding accidents, misuse or abuse.”

ME: “Is it considered misuse or abuse to walk into a place of worship and shoot to death unarmed men and women?”

HIM: “That’s a legal matter.”

ME: “Does the warranty say, ‘Guaranteed to kill at least five unarmed worshippers — or your money back!’”

HIM: “It does not.”

ME: “Are you familiar with the Firearm Safety 10 Commandments?”

HIM: “Certainly. It’s full of common sense wisdoms intended to keep people from getting killed.”

ME: “You mean keep from getting killed accidentally. Do you think it would be beneficial to add an 11th commandment, say, “Thou shalt not kill.” You’ve heard of it? It’s No. 5 on the original 10 Commandments. No. 5 with a bullet.”

HIM: “I have no opinion on that.”

ME: “If the gun had functioned properly how many would have been killed?”

HIM: “Depends. ‘til he either ran out of bullets, targets or until a good man with a — ”

ME: “How many innocent deaths are acceptable before the good men with guns show up? Don’t answer that. Do you think in the interest of saving lives it would be beneficial to sell more defective weapons, like maybe one-out-of-every 5?”

HIM: “That would be bad for business.”

ME: “But maybe good for worshippers. No further questions.”

I’d depose the man who made the defective gun.

ME: “Why do you make guns?”

HIM: “So responsible sportsmen can enjoy a great American tradition.”

ME: “I’m going to assume you don’t mean shooting up places of worship. How many deer could you kill with one of your weapons?”

HIM: “Gee, you could kill a bunch, but they’d spook.”

ME: “What if they’re all penned up in coral or, say, inside the hallowed walls of a place of worship?”

HIM: “All of ‘em, if the weapon doesn’t malfunction. But there are laws against that sort of thing. No one in their right mind would want to see that kind of slaughter.”

ME: “No further questions. I’d now like to call Dr. Nikki Stamp.”

Dr. Nikki Stamp: “I’m right over here.”

ME: “Oh, hello. You’re a heart and lung surgeon from Perth, Austalia?”

DNS: “I am.”

ME: “Are you the same Dr. Nikki Stern who wrote the story in today’s Washington Post under the headline: ‘I’ve Been a Surgeon in Australia for 16 Years. I’ve Seen Only Two Gunshot Wounds.’”

DNS: “I am.”

ME: Is that story accurate?”

DNS: “It is.”

ME: “Will you please read aloud the last paragraph?”

DNS: “I will. ‘I cannot offer a solution for the gun epidemic in the United States, but guns are clearly a public health issue. Australia’s gun laws will never be a model for Americans, that much is clear. But what may be a model is our resolve to make meaningful changes. It took one event (Port Arthur, 1996, 35 killed) to change the laws to make guns safer in this country, and I hope that Americans fully commit to make guns safer in a way that is effective and suitable for their legal system. I hope that future American surgeons will someday find gunshot wounds as unusual as I do.”

ME: “No further questions. I seek no damages. Too much damage is already daily being done.”

Thank you for indulging me in some absurdity. I thought it was appropriate because in a land where we continue to do nothing in the face of so much insane gun violence, absurdity reigns.

Because it’s looking increasingly like our options have narrowed down to dying of either multiple gunshot wounds or drowning in the bloodshed of all the innocents.

Related …

The deadly echo of, “Now is not the time …”

A “well-regulated militia” will reduce gun violence

Why’d they cancel the baseball games?

I cry, I fart; more on Newtown

Bob Costas & truly innovative solutions to gun violence

Don’t

Safety lessons from spree killers

What do tiny coffins cost?

Profound, timely solutions to spree killers

Solutions to gun violence: one bullet per gun

The deadly echo of "Now is not the time"

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I’m growing nostalgic for the days when at least one hometown witness to slaughter would tell reporters, man, I never dreamed something like this could happen here.

We’re reaching a point where it’s happening every where, all the time to every one.

It’d be a dereliction of duty if every governor of every state didn’t have in his or her “A” file a written-in-advance statement mourning the loss of (pick one) 50/25/10 (pick one) worshippers/concert goers/grade schoolers ready to recite to the press.

“Our prayers are with … investigation will proceed … come together … first responders … now is not the time …”

Now is not the time.

Now is not the time.

More and more, “now is not the time” is sounding like a Satanic echo.

For God’s sake, when will the time come? How high does the stack of innocent bodies have to be for the alarm to sound?

We’re supposed to be reassured when Trump and the NRA point out (correctly) that the only thing that stops a bad man with a gun is a good man (or woman) with a gun.

True. Johnnie Langendorff is a hero. He ran to the sound of gunfire to eliminate a lethal threat.

So to those of you keeping score at home, the final is 1-26.

And now we’re hearing reports he may have eaten his final bullet so who knows how that effects the point spread.

I always like the part when law enforcers announce, hallelujah, this wasn’t terrorism, like we should feel relief it wasn’t ISIS, but just another angry white man with lots of grudges and guns. 

USA! USA! 

Texas attorney general Ken Paxton says the solution is for more church goers to start packing. 

Assuming he’s a Christian, it sounds like he’s putting more faith in Smith & Wesson than he is in Jesus.

I’d like to ask Paxton if he believes allowing North Korea and every other nation on earth easy access to nuclear weapons will make us all safer.

It’s an extension of the same logic.

I’m linking below some of the ideas I’ve put forth on reducing gun violence. Some are sensible, some are wacky, and some are merely provocative. At this point, I simply want to see something -- anything -- done that’ll budge us off our lethal dead lock.

I believe if we continue to do absolutely nothing, it’s a lock our futures are filled with more dead.

Trump says this isn’t a gun issue. He says it’s a mental health issue. And he’s half right — and, oh, how I wish he could be at least half right even just half the time.. 

It is a mental health issue.

By continuing to do nothing at all, we’re proving we’re all out of our minds.

Related …

A “well-regulated militia” will reduce gun violence

Why’d they cancel the baseball games?

I cry, I fart; more on Newtown

Bob Costas & truly innovative solutions to gun violence

Don’t

Safety lessons from spree killers

What do tiny coffins cost?

Profound, timely solutions to spree killers

Solutions to gun violence: one bullet per gun

Don't

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Don’t worry.

I’m not going to be writing about that today.

Don't believe it.

Well, sort of. 

Don’t watch TV for the next four days.

The funerals will all be over by then and the news will have marched on.

Don’t be afraid.

The odds of it ever happening to you or someone you love are still long.

Don’t think it couldn’t happen here.

The odds of that plummet exponentially with each fresh horror.

Don’t think it’s unnatural to feel numb.

We all do.

Don’t demonize those with whom you disagree.

It’ll only make finding a solution that much more elusive.

Don’t post anything anti-gun on Facebook.

It’ll only anger the people whose opinions you have no chance of changing.

Don’t post anything pro-gun on Facebook.

It’ll only anger the people whose opinions you have no chance of changing.

Don’t feel we’re under any national obligation to mourn.

It hasn’t helped before.

Don’t say this time things will be different.

They weren’t after Columbine, after Blacksburg, after Sandy Hook, after Aurora, after Charleston, etc. Why would things be any different this time?

Don’t think the answer is to get rid of every gun.

It’s not that simple.

Don’t think the answer is for everyone in America to have a gun.

It’s not that simple.

Don’t try and divine sensible motives for what happens over and over again and again. 

They will elude you.

Don’t think prayer will help.

What good’s it done before?

Don’t think it won’t.

What’s it hurt?

Don’t say talking about it is politicizing it.

Trying anything that might lurch us off this paralyzing deadlock should be a national priority.

Don’t feel sheepish about enjoying your weekend and laughing out loud.

Anytime you hear news of anyone dying suddenly, it ought to reinforce the necessity of devoting every moment of every day to always living suddenly.

Don’t let what happened make you sad.

It’s a useless emotion.

Don’t let what happened make you angry.

It won’t help.

Don’t let what happened make you mad.

In America today, we exceed our quota of bloody madness with frightening regularity.

Do try and have a nice day.

The rest of us could really use your inspiration.

Related . . .

Profound, timely solutions to gun violence

Reduce gun violence; enforce 2nd Amendment

Safety lessons from spree killers

Why’d they cancel the ballgame?

I cry, I fart; more on Newtown

What do tiny coffins cost?

Bob Costas & truly innovative gun violence solutions

The prez, the killer & the origins of “Amazing Grace”

Solution to gun violence: one bullet per gun