Where is Mrs. Putin?

 

(708 words)

While global conflict experts are wondering how long Ukraine can hold on, if the Russian economy will collapse, and if nuclear nightmares are in play, I keep thinking of something more intimate.

That is, “What does Mrs. Putin have to say about all this?”

In mankind’s long and bloody history of pointless wars, this one strikes me as one of the bloodiest and most pointless. I’m sickened.

And I know I risk the wrath of our equality-minded friends by using the masculine pronoun “mankind” in the previous sentence, instead of an all-inclusive stunt pronoun like, say, “humanity.”

But in the war equality department, women are even farther behind than they are in seeking equal pay.

When many in the tabloid media talk about women at war it usually means a cat fight over something Joy Behar said to Meghan McCain about footwear.

“VIEW HOSTS AT WAR!”

There is nothing feminine about what’s happening in Ukraine. It’s pure testosterone — and most of it gushing from Vladimir Putin. 

It’s like he’s one of those hydrants city kids unscrew on hot summer days. Only what’s squirting out of this Putin hydrant doesn’t extinguish fires.

It starts them.

I didn’t see a horror of this magnitude coming. I thought he was a guy pretending to be a strongman. He’d have himself filmed playing rough hockey, rasslin’ bears, getting drunk and riding around shirtless atop a horse.

I could forgive him all this macho posturing because I used to do stuff like that when I was freelancing for National Enquirer.

Sure, I went off the rails a time or two. Let my ego run wild. Thought I could take on the world.

What saved me?

I was married to a good, strong women, who kept me in check. In fact, she’s the inspiration for “Use All The Crayons!” tip no. 763: “Understand, a long marriage is a terrific antidote to excessive ego.”

It’s not at all uncommon. There are men all around the planet who are fond of gazing into mirrors and self-affirming, “I am the greatest. Everyone loves me. I couldn’t possibly be wrong. I can take Ukraine in 7 days!”

Now most of us have a devoted woman either over our shoulders or in our heads saying, “No, you’re not. No, they don’t. Yes, you could. And, no, you can’t”.

Having that spousal governor is useful. I needed to find out where Putin’s was.

Turns out she’s 1,264 kms away in a town called Kaliningrad. And she’s married to another dude!

In deference to the four-times married Willie Nelson, I refuse to call her an ex-wife. It was Willie who declared, “There are no ex-wives. There are only additional wives.”

She and Putin divorced in 2013.

He’s not remarried, but is said to have a special friend in retired Russian gymnast/reporter/host/politician/masseuse Alina Kabaeva, 38. I cannot say if she was qualified for her other positions, but if she’s judged solely on her appearance, she must have been an appealing host.

I’m being coy, of course, and with good reason. Because in April 2008, the Moscow Korrespondent newspaper reported that she and the then-still married Putin were engaged. Putin denied the story.

Sort of.

He ordered the paper closed.

What? You thought he’d write a snippy letter to the editor?

I read that and felt pity for the newspaper staff. What happened to them was so cruel, so arbitrary and so unfair I was surprised I didn’t work there.

So it’s safe to say Putin has no one in his home or his head telling him that he’s making a horrific mistake. 

It certainly seems like he’s losing his mind. Have you seen his idea of social distancing (above)? 

Clearly, he’s worried about germs. If he isn’t already, he’d better start worrying about bullets. 

It’s a shame for the whole world that he doesn’t have any one telling him he’s wrong, and that this is bound to end badly.

Because women are from Venus, men from Mars.

I fear the longer this goes on, we’ll all together go to hell.

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