Friday, October 30, 2020

Twick 'r Tweet! Best of the Month


• Imagine how different society would be if every time we turned to social media, instead of disparagement, nonsense or vitriol, we received, ahhh, enlightenment. Let it begin with me ... Rhode Island isn't even Rhode Isthmus!

• I wonder about the 1st time someone said, "You know, there's a 1st time for everything," and if the conversants were at all aware of the irony.

• Trump expected to name a dozen potential Supreme Court justice candidates. If I were Biden, I'd counter with just one  ... Merrick Garland.

• I know it's unrefined for someone who aspires to sophistication of manners, but I sometimes wolf down my meals. My daughters are far daintier. It's more like they poodle theirs down. "Poodle Down!" would be a great name for some don't ask/don't tell military rom-com.

• I’m confused by all these people who say the world is about to end; that Judgement Day is nigh. If you truly believe that, shouldn't you be nicer? I mean someone is likely keeping score. I know if I was soon to be judged for all eternity, I'd be on my best behavior.

• It’s entirely possible to kick a squirrel right in the nuts and hurt only his feelings. Hers, too.

• This election is convincing me the first time many Americans will believe in science is when it is applied to the lift-off that takes them safely away from this planet which through their neglect and indifference has become an uninhabitable cinder.

• I’d like to see Hollywood announce it was releasing what it calls a period movie and have it be solely about punctuation.

• The new Rt. 30 Sheetz near Latrobe is being constructed so quickly I wonder if the bread'll have enough time to get properly stale.

• When even the mundane are deemed worthy of demonization Hell itself becomes pedestrian.

• Perspective: as godawful as 2020 has been, guaranteed, in 2041 our travails will be one paragraph in school history books that'll be boring future students. That is assuming 2020 doesn't take a really dark turn that'll mean 2041 never happens.

• Because it would suggest modernization and would require the change of just a handful of letters, I suggest we change the name of the Walter Reed Army Medical Center to the Walter O'Reilly Army Medical Center.

• I would think one of the most difficult things in nature would be being a praying mantis and trying to explain to your parents that you've lost your faith.

• Woke up this morning on fire with ambitions to accomplish great things. Nature had other plans. Entered Tin Lizzy office and was attacked by a crazed bird that flew in and now finds escape impossible. I bear no malice. Same thing's happened to me countless times.

• I admit to feelings of wistfulness over not having sired a son. These feelings pass when I realize a son would by now be asking me, "Daddy, would you help me secure my man bun?" And to my everlasting shame I'd feel obliged to assist.

• Sure this all sucks, but #LookingontheBrightSide, it's sure to yield great movies and books for the suvivors to years from now enjoy. Remember: without the global cataclysm of WWII, we never would have had "Saving Private Ryan.”

• Jeff Bezos is worth $178.8 billion. You and I are, well, worth less. But there'll be hell to pay if I ever catch anyone saying we're worthless.

• Fancy shaving ads about ease of accessing those "hard-to-reach" places crack me up. Hard to reach? I'm shaving my face, not the gnarled butt of some Mongolian yak 20,000 feet up the Himalayas.

• The people who make so-called Mega Stuft Oreos suffer from a serious lack of imagination.

• If Spring is when Mother Nature puts on her make-up, then Fall is when she starts climbing into her coffin.

• Told daughter, 14, Eagles "Hotel California" was originally going to be called "Hotel Pennsylvania" but The Golden State came up with tax breaks to secure naming rights. Her scornful reaction made me nostalgic for the days when daughters would fall for any line of crap.

• I’d like to know the first words of souls arriving in Hell when their last words on Earth were, "Goodbye cruel world!”

• This is the time of year when our nation's most avid baseball fans brag to other avid baseball fans that they were able to stay awake for an entire baseball game.

• Technology is the willful and mutually agreed-upon demolition of charm and all that was once beloved as quaint.

• What would happen if you took a Geiger counter to a Geiger family reunion?

• Speculators envision a day when toilet paper is traded like coffee, milk or other commodities. They are mistaken. Toilet paper cannot become a commodity. Toilet paper is a commode-ity.

• If I labored in the janitorial services and spent a lot of time scrubbing toilets I'd spend a lot of that time wondering whose bright idea it was to make every toilet gleaming white. Isn't there maybe a better color, one that matches fixture functionality. Like maybe say, oh, I don’t know ,,, brown?

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