Saturday, August 31, 2019

August Tweets of the Month

Honk if you love @8days2Amish tweets of the month! 

On second thought, don’t honk. It might confuse the motorist in front of you that you’re angry. Road rage might ensue. My tweets might be responsible for highway violence. 

I’d be fine with that, of course, if it led to news headlines that mentioned me, my blog, my books or that I’m available to talk to your group about the urgency of being defiantly kind.

But the real issue is what are you doing reading my blog in traffic?

So, please, do not honk if you love my tweets of the month.

Wait till it’s the middle of the night and all the neighbors are asleep then honk like crazy.

Happy Labor Day!

• Fear not death. Fear instead the death-bed realization that you never really lived. Insinuate yourself into enough hearts and you won’t just live to be 100. You’ll live forever.

• I agree with the shrill MAGA voices who say in America today minorities need to “know their place.” Well, my dark-skinned brothers and sisters, your place is right beside me. Unfortunately for both of us, we’re both way back in line behind a bunch of much richer white guys.

• You’re not going to believe this. I just heard a 6-year-old boy was gunned down while he and his family were enjoying a California garlic festival. What are we gonna do? Oh, that's right. This is America. We do NOTHING. Is it time we start arming 6-year-old garlic eaters?

• Hang in there, folks! In just 6 hours we'll be able to change the signs to read, "Welcome to America!  Now   1    Day Without a Mass Shooting!”

• In response to the weekend mayhem, I ask you to join me in being sincerely, but audaciously nice and friendly even in formal situations and among stuffy people conditioned to regard such behavior as weird. Let's be defiantly kind!

• Those who rest assured digital will replace print can take heart that when we see the writing on the wall it's still writing on the wall.

• When you break it all down, life is about deciding if you'd rather walk in someone else's shoes or seize them by their throats. Most bowlers choose the former. 

• Last night, it almost happened. My self-betrayal was nearly complete. I almost used the word "amazeballs" in a sentence.

• Otherwise great Chincoteague beach vacation marred only by incident initiated when kids asked if they could bury me in sand. Sure. I'm game. But when they had me completely immobilized, the little bastards stole my shoes & wallet. I should've known better. They weren't my kids.

• Family opted to sleep in on last day of beach vacation rather than get up early to see sun rise. I can't blame them. Popularity of watching sun rise will increase when it doesn't involve getting up at the crack of dawn.

• Trends in population increase coupled with saturation electronic device usage convinces me one day soon we'll all become our own area codes.

• I’m not necessarily opposed to buying settled nations, but the bargain shopper in me figures we could get at least a dozen shit hole countries for the price of one Greenland.

• I believe 50 percent of the women and 80 percent of the men we encounter in our daily lives are simply older, less cheerful versions of the juvenile spastic morons we all were in high school. Proceed accordingly.

• Thinking of re-writing my history to say the reason I'm not more successful is I made a conscious decision in 2000 to de-prioritize income to be a stay-at-home Dad. Now if I can only convince wife, 2 daughters and dozens of eyewitness bartenders to back me up …

• Whose idea was it to put the mouth, the necessary orifice for breathing and eating, directly below honking, dripping & sneezing nose? It's our worst design flaw. On the other hand, whomever came up with location, function &  performance specs for the penis was really on the ball

• Love going to the county fair to visit the rabbit exhibit and sing, ”Cannnn any BUNNY find meeee some BUNNY to love? Some BUNNY! Some bunny! Some BUNNY! Find me some BUNNY to love!”

• Call me a snob, but I'll always prefer eating at restaurants that sell me food that gives me gas to places that offer food and sell me gas.

• Someone letting the cat out of the bag will become more impactful to me as soon as I start seeing more instances of bagged cats.

• I was 50 years old before it finally began to sink in that, gee, I was drunk wouldn't cut it as an excuse for showing up in church nude.

• A mischief-minded friend is launching the believable lie that Kamala Harris is the niece of Steeler great Franco Harris. Told him it's a good start but for a lie to really take off it needs to be bigger. Like, Bernie Sanders is actually Col. Sanders waiting to reveal chik promo.

• I don't have a whole lot of loot right now, but I bet I have the scratch for Donald Trump to sell me Puerto Rico for what I have in my car console.

• For future reference, it's unnecessary for you to say, "Have fun!" after asking where I'm going or what I'm doing. Look, if it ain't fun I ain't going.

• MAGAs saying Trump truly is chosen one because forces unknown diverting Dorian away from Mar-a-Lago. Me, I won't believe it until confounded forecasters say storm is circling back and taking dead aim on Puerto Rico.

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