tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33865535828175758892024-03-02T13:38:18.257-05:00Eight Days to AmishNo Paychecks . . . No Prospects . . . Always How one writer struggles to elevate from the hammock, overcome his God-given laziness and earn a living in a cruel world that insists he work.
(The title of this blog is in no way aspirational or should be considered an endorsement of the Amish lifestyle)Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.comBlogger2179125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-32817046235010329702024-01-31T20:33:00.000-05:002024-01-31T20:33:10.127-05:00Tweets of the New Year! I’d like to grant doctors the power to evaluate patients so that we’d hear more diagnoses like: “Well, the good news is the operation was a success. You’re going to be fine. The bad news is unless you cut back on the volume and partisan stridency of all your non-stop political talk, everyone’s gonna think you’re still an asshole.”• Teen daughter expressed irritation that I’d repeated Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-28316043021737581622024-01-12T10:09:00.000-05:002024-01-12T10:09:40.904-05:00Tin Lizzy now has a free pool table! (1237 words)Nobody asked me and I’m not sure what I would’ve said, but they went and put a snazzy pool table in the 3rd floor rec room in the Tin Lizzy. It’s just 15 steps from the desk where I spend so much time trying to concentrate so I can maybe earn a living.Its pull on my attention is strong and I confess I spend at least an hour a day trying to sharpen my game.I’m consumed by a driveChris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-54060786986656321712024-01-02T16:45:00.002-05:002024-01-03T14:05:16.210-05:00State trooper pulls me over -- in my driveway! I saw one head peeking out the window — and it was just a quick peek, like if it had lingered for too long it might have drawn gun fire.
A Pennsylvania state trooper had pulled over a dilapidated vehicle with a shifty looking motorist and it was all going down in our driveway.
This was convenient for me ‘cause it was my car and I was the suspect.
Home, sweet home!
Frankly, I was Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-31281210312940993342023-12-29T20:10:00.001-05:002023-12-30T08:10:00.464-05:00Socrates speaks: Best tweets of 2023 I've been compiling these best-of lists for like 15 years now and no one not once has ever said, man, am I glad you take the time to list all those tweets 'cause I read every one of 'em.But they're useful to me to have them all in one place.'cause you never know when someone's gonna say, "We're putting together a 'Use All The Crayons! III.' Do you know where we can find another couple Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-82878886179127100722023-11-30T10:22:00.002-05:002023-11-30T10:22:48.109-05:00They'll always be "Tweets" of the month to me • That I can't recall ever having spent any quality time at a popsicle stand, yet have blown hundreds of them, leads me to believe I have some serious commitment issues. • The Irish word “bejesus” is a mildly profane expression of surprise and is not to be confused with “Bee Jesus,” the latter referring to a messianic insect who can turn honey into wine and struggles to reconcile how aChris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-8784817778362135112023-10-31T16:19:00.002-04:002023-10-31T16:19:26.985-04:00Oct. '23 Tweets-of the month 9er whatever the heck they're al-calling them these days" • Men who fantasize about giving themselves oral sex are chasing pipe dream• Engaging a popular search engine just to find out if some former child star or other B-list celebrity is still alive ought to be called, “Ghoul-gling"• When I was a young heathen, I feared my choices meant I’d be going to Hell. How naive. I read the news and realize my foolishness. I’m not going to Hell. Hell’s Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-22301987669928510912023-10-25T08:15:00.000-04:002023-10-25T08:15:53.623-04:00Biting the hand that feeds me I don’t know if it’s a latent burst of proper manners or just another condition of my condition, but in the last five or so years nothing infuriates me more than a cold rejection of my offers of good cheer.It happens anytime I reach out with simple humanity to a stranger and my gesture is rebuffed.I wonder if I’m taking to heart too literally the lessons of “Lonesome Dove,” the 1989 cowboy Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-69179006139364475882023-09-30T21:56:00.004-04:002023-10-01T09:47:48.841-04:00Best tweets of October (rough)I was railing against the world of woe to some friends who advised me to embrace the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer -- "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference." I considered it, but decided instead to pray that God grant me God-like powers for just 12 hours. Goodbye war in Ukraine! Goodbye Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-57509371345100110372023-09-27T09:44:00.001-04:002023-09-27T09:44:49.988-04:00LBGTQ & how we no longer lose our virginity (590 words)So I was sitting here in my shabby little office the other day thinking about sex. This is a not uncommon scenario. I think about sex a lot.I think about last time I had some. How good it was. And, good or bad (irrelevant) , how soon before I’ll be getting some more.What am I supposed to think about? The Oxford comma?I don’t think I think about sex in an unhealthy way. I Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-32296020079756591792023-09-25T09:03:00.002-04:002023-10-06T10:37:43.335-04:00There are worse things than being flat broke (717 words)I’m aware of many unfortunates who lament being flat broke. They’re barely getting by,. They live lives of quiet desperation.I envy them. I aspire to being flat broke.I’m a whole different and exotic kind of broke. Mine is a life of shrill desperation.I’ve maxed out my credit cards, bummed what I can from family and until, say, Oprah gives “Evan & Elle” a 5-star review there Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-16643517135435910122023-08-31T11:01:00.000-04:002023-08-31T11:01:29.065-04:00It'll always be Twitter to me Honestly, I don't even post on Twitter anymore. It's tainted. But what am I going to call these monthly round-ups? Xs of the Month? Best X ever? The options are fraught. You get the idea. So here are Tweets of the Month! • In the future, weaponry will become so abundant, so accurate and so lethal my fear is that in the future there will be no future.• It’s like there's a global Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-1554487125757149702023-08-22T13:17:00.000-04:002023-08-22T13:17:16.550-04:00How to Make Friends (990 words)
This is the week I used to tell the kids one of my favorite wisdoms, one that positively rings with cheer and hopefulness.
“Remember, today you could be introduced to someone you’ve never met who is destined to become the best friend you’ll ever have.”
It’s true on the first day of school and it’s true any time you walk out your door. None of us has any idea what fate is Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-8280292355895866182023-08-15T09:40:00.002-04:002023-08-15T09:40:54.161-04:00The tattoo I'm thinking of getting ... I did something this week I swore I’d never do, something I’ve viciously mocked others for doing.I contacted a tattoo parlor about getting some ink.We’ll get into all of that but first I need to wrestle with why it was a parlor.The venerable Oxford English Dictionary says parlor (they spell it, parlour, the Limeys) is “a room or place for talking.”Really?I talk everywhere I go. Talk all theChris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-36073267834649981002023-08-03T16:22:00.002-04:002023-08-03T16:22:26.150-04:00Firetruck racing to end boring parades(657 words) One if the most satisfying aspects of spending so much time staring out the window is being the recipient of radom genius thoughts. It’s a sort of brain lightning. You see solutions to problems that have for years bedeviled your fellow man.
Problems like way too many firetrucks.
That’s just the way my brain works. I wish mine worked like Dr. Jonas Salk’s did. The window he Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-30266510261099923552023-07-31T16:38:00.000-04:002023-07-31T16:38:06.492-04:00is this my best line? My friend Scott Levin told he thinks this the funniest line I’ve ever written …
"If most men are being honest -- a big "if" -- we'd admit to seeing a lot of ourselves in Ken while aspiring to see just a little of ourselves in Barbie.”
Is he correct? Do you recall a better one or do they fade from memory right away?
What about these? Hope you like 'em all!-- << >Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-46028014747323143462023-07-31T08:48:00.000-04:002023-07-31T08:48:07.146-04:00My nearly 2 hours with world's most sadistic barber(671 words)
I’m so resigned to the cruel realities of male pattern baldness that when my daughter said my hair looked nice, I said, “Which one?”
So normally I lack the impetus — not to mention the hair — to write about my coif But after what happened to me at the Ye Olde Barber Shoppe in Duck, N.C., I feel compelled.
We were on the Outer Banks when I decided I needed a haircut. The Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-41606011248660639472023-06-30T06:58:00.000-04:002023-06-30T06:58:29.390-04:00Tweets of the Month • As a proponent of "make everyday something festive," I was a pioneer promoter for "Christmas in July" (and August, and September and etc ...). Today I told my daughter to quit the summer job, drop out of school and devote her every waking moment to composing 12 Juneteenth in July carols that'll really capture the essence of this great new holiday. 'cause when was the last time you heard aChris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-78140920331242077942023-06-22T10:26:00.001-04:002023-06-22T10:26:28.902-04:00Thots on Titan sub & untimely death (648 words)I blame my years as a young newspaper reporter for why I spend so much time thinking about untimely death.Back then it was a near daily smorgasbord of reporting on the often violent expirations of hapless Tennesseans. They’d accidentally steer jalopies off cliffs, stumble into the rusty wood chipper, and drunkenly fail to exit the bed after the last cigarette began to singe the Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-4680211959013765562023-05-31T08:22:00.001-04:002023-05-31T08:22:28.691-04:00What we used to call Tweets of the Month... Check out my Intstagram!
• I swear, if I were a lumberjack, I’m certain I’d spend less time jackin’ lumber and more time sitting in the shade pondering what to me is the root question of the profession: “Okay, the boss ordered me to cut this tree down. And as soon as I do he’ll order me to cut the tree up. Down! Up! Up! Down! Make up your mind! … Or is it make it down?” It ain’t easy Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-37044632319616810312023-05-22T10:34:00.005-04:002023-05-23T10:19:00.793-04:00It's true: Fred Rogers & Arnold Palmer never got along
(674 words)
I’m proud that all my books and subsequent talks are all about spreading happiness and understanding. My aim is to uplift the downtrodden.
So why is it one of the things I’m sure my audience always remembers most is something most distressful?
I guess it’s because no one wants to believe that Arnold Palmer and Fred Rogers never got along.
It’s true.
Two of the warmest, Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-56645369839414882122023-05-02T07:17:00.002-04:002023-05-02T08:51:21.304-04:00My unwanted adventure inside the women's restroom (757 words)I mistakenly found myself on the culture war front lines Saturday at an otherwise innocent golf bash..And, yep, my penis was partly to blame.It by mistake led me into the ladies' room.It’s where conservatives believe the about 1.4 percent of Americans who identify as transgender are massing to present temptations that likely would have sent Adam & Eve scrambling all over EdenChris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-67526462783118458302023-04-29T09:27:00.007-04:002023-04-29T09:27:47.516-04:00Non-Tweets of the month For the record, none of these "tweets" ever appeared on Twitter. I'm fed up with Musk. Tired of the repeated password exchange. Done with reading news about blue checks, etc. Still, these are best described as tweet-like, so ...• SnapChat, Instagram, TikTok — 10 years ago none of us had ever heard of these. Now, they’re taking over the world. It’s a Planet of the Aps.• A military history Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-36671901721159295292023-04-12T10:50:00.002-04:002023-04-12T10:50:41.536-04:00Admiring student says he wants to become interesting -- like me! (754 words)An admiring student of mine flattered me by saying he wants to become interesting “just like me.”At least I think he was admiring. He could have just been very adept at brown nosing, a tactic I’ll fall for every single time. Bona fide flatterer or skillful butt smoocher, it all has the same effect: A kid who was borderline failing has now vaulted to the top of the class.It’s so Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-50633208433212899842023-03-31T13:42:00.000-04:002023-03-31T13:42:24.137-04:00March (what used to be called) Tweets of the Month Dog (Snickers) on left from back when he was a remote-sized puppy. No reason for posting. No reason at all. Enjoy your weekend!• I’m so conditioned to every innovation being related to snack foods that when I heard Elon Musk was promoting brain chips, I thought, man, I hope he makes some with sea salt & cracked pepper.• I’m not insinuating our local volunteers join for social Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3386553582817575889.post-63385718322422340042023-03-23T07:07:00.000-04:002023-03-23T07:07:48.233-04:00My letter to Grace seeking grace This is the letter I wrote to the 10-year-old girl, an aspiring writer, after she gave me the only copy of her 22-page handwritten book to review and I lost it.I had her father read it first. I thought there was a chance he’d hit me. Instead, he got choked up and shook my hand.I gotta be honest: I gave a lot of serious thought to trying to lie my way out of this one …Dear Grace,When your Chris Rodellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01353239648668139877noreply@blogger.com0