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Saturday, December 31, 2016

My annual exercise in ego: Year's best tweets!

A more modest (honest?) writer would have whittled his or her “best of” list down to about maybe a dozen or so tweets. My 8days2Amish list has 379!

I deemed about four of them unworthy. Well, three.

Actually, these serve as a handy archive for me for the day when I get around to compiling “Use All The Crayons! Too!”
Happy New Year!




• You know your town lacks diversity when everyone says they're meeting at the Mexican joint and everyone knows to go to the Taco Bell.

• Greatest drag on US productivity could be reversed if docs said they were kidding when they said male masturbation was a health benefit.

• For many, the advent of social media means our greatest fear is no longer death. It is the fear of appearing too ordinary.

• Although it's bound to upset traditionalists, isn't it time we start referring to the 2K-old "New Testament" as the "Not-So-New Testament?”

• In my experience, the ones most likely to post bitter comment on any story of mine are the ones who are least likely to have read it.

• Technology is the willful and agreed-upon demolition of charm and all that was once beloved as quaint.

• Noah’s Arc was the only cruise ship in history where every level was a poop deck.

• I don't want to live forever. I want to live right now!

• There ought to be a wax museum celebrating the history, manufacture and usage of wax.

• This is how I imagine Nixon would look as staff tried to explain to him the how-to and point of the selfie (picture Nixon frowning).

• Man, the only animal to spend 80 percent of its time either seated or laying down, is also the only animal to spend billions on footwear.

• I like telling people I have five nipples and that only one of them is above the waist.

• I just once would like to see a cliffhanger show end with a villain named Cliff ascending the steps to the gallows.

• World will be a better place when all those scheming to find the means to an end instead worked on finding an end to the means.

• Did your Mom ever write your name on your undershirt tag? She was years ahead of her time. Mom: inventor of the original Collar ID.

• Our greatest frustrations stem from when we demand perfection from those incapable of providing it.

• A tornado warning is dangerous weather. A tornado watch is an inefficient timepiece whose hands spin really fast.

• I can't describe how much it pains me that if I ever get into a so-you-think-you're-better-than-me argument with Ashton Kutcher, I'd lose.

• When people say you think funny what they're actually saying is you think.

• In the future, hunger will be eliminated when Mark Zuckerberg develops a way to turn Facebook food pictures into actual meals. 

• Bumbastic people are prone to talking out of their asses.

• Just because a person is bad at math doesn't mean he or she can't be considered calculating.

• Would a T-shirt still be a T-shirt if I got one with a big Q on the front? 

• Ideas about how to advance more quickly through lines are queue tips.

• It is a confounding paradox for those challenged with marketing the machines, but the best vacuum cleaners really do suck.

• If wife had been as aggressive selling http://UseAllTheCrayons.com  as she was with Lucy's Girl Scout cookies J.Grisham would be my proofreader.

• After doing so for nearly 8 years I can only conclude blogging is like butterfly catching only with fewer tangible results. 

• It is one of our greatest paradoxes, but a really big family can also serve as one of nature's most affirmative contraceptives.

• I used to pretend I was too sick to go to school. Now, I pretend I'm not hungover nights after I swore to wife I wouldn't drink too much.

• Ringling dumping elephants, thus depriving circus fans of the otherworldly spectacle of dumping elephants. 

• Too many people who mistakenly believe they have the world on a string realize too late what they’re actually holding is a lit fuse.

• I’m like most fathers in that I tell kids, "I'd do anything for you." I differ in I always add, "'cept get a real job.”

• Does it make me odd that I enjoy Applebee's yet am fearful of bees on apples? 

• I wonder if sharp bullets hurt less upon penetration than blunt ones and I wonder how long, given gun sales, it'll be before I find out.

• Astronomers say Earth is 93,000,000 miles from sun. I walked outside this morning and swore it felt more like 93,000,002. 

• I’ll continue to say "Happy New Year!" clear through August when it becomes seasonally acceptable to greet people with "Merry Christmas!”

• Over-use of italics tends to make readers see-sick.

• I prefer gorilla marketing to guerilla marketing because while the latter engages consumers the former causes them to go apeshit.

• Nostradamus became famous as a visionary who could see the future; not so much his cousin, Nostrildamus, who could smell it.

• I’m not saying I'm a slob but just to be safe I always make sure to wear a shirt that matches my dinner. Today my shirt is pizza colored!

• Greatest trick devil ever pulled was convincing world he doestn't exist. 2nd greatest: convincing consumers wheeled device is hoverboard.

• In a world that made perfect sense the saying would be, "Where there's smoke there's a cigar. And bourbon.”

• We have blankets of snow and sheets of ice. Anyone know where I can find a good slush pillow?

• I once got in big trouble spying on a woman in department store dressing room. She was furious. It was a fit of pique over a peek of fit.

• Given the dietary challenges Paleolithic cavemen faced, I'm surprised Fred & Barney were tubby. I'm surprised they found time to bowl, too.

• I think my wife would be more receptive to romance if I'd stop insisting she dump Gatorade on my head after each successful coupling.

• Super Bowl prediction: Carolina 54, Denver 31. Not the score. That's my prediction of the high temps in each town at kickoff.

• Flying commercial always makes me feel like a foot getting shoved into a bowling shoe.

• I wonder if any of the fabled explorers ever considered naming a prominence "Moot Point" but decided the gesture would be meaningless. 

• Just wasted 15 minutes trying in vain to prove I'm stronger than a toilet. You've won this round anti-slam lid!

• Self-loathing conservatives feel at supporting Trump must be akin to what dying vegetarians feel when they realize about to turn zombie.

• Although it's bound to upset traditionalists, isn't it time we start referring to the 2K-old "New Testament" as the "Not-So-New Testament?”

• A swim meet is an aquatic competition. A swim meat is an edible fish.

• With so many people seeking to carry concealed weapons, I tried to figure how many times I'd shoot myself each week if I carried. I figure 3.

• So enjoying #GreaseLive I'm now planning on turning http://www.EightDaysToAmish.com  into a musical.

• I’ve never seen a duffel bag full of duffels & I’m okay with that. If it ever happens I’d never again have the guts to peek in a handbag.

• Because it adds welcome levity to a serious condition, I propose OBGYNs start describing postpartum depression as "Stork .. raving .. mad!”

• There ought to be a Selfie Museum with pictures of our ancestors digging coal, pumping their own water & surviving things like potato famine.

• What kind of multiple spiritual crises must a seeker endure to become a Born-Again Atheist?

• Somebody should tell the fitness fanatics that many of them are extending their lives into the years they'll wish they were dead. 

• I contend finding, securing and putting a rabbit INTO a hat requires just as much if not more magic as pulling it out of one.

• I wonder if promiscuous bovine adolescents roll their eyes anytime a parent counsels them to not have a cow.

• Any man who says he's his own worst critic is either delusional or unmarried.

• Your life will be more fun if you don't judge new friends on their virtues, but instead on their potential as compatible cellmates.

• In my endless quest to make words both simultaneously more fun AND descriptive, please join me in spelling handkerchief HONKerchief. 

• Which will come 1st: a gun that shoots pictures or a smart phone that shoots bullets? And how many will die before bugs worked out? 

• I was 50 years old before it finally began to sink in that, gee, I was drunk wouldn't cut it as an excuse for showing up in church nude.

• I stifle most of my public sneezes, but not in church where I think the Almighty's paying more attention to "God bless you!

• NFL should next year skip halftime show and instead have drug co. issue every American hallucinogens that last 32 minutes. 

• I’ll bet editors at amusement park industry mags are furious when some lazy reviewer calls a new roller coaster a real roller coaster.

• I have incredibly discerning tastes for a guy who is so often flat broke. In fact, if I ever start a band we’ll be the Choosey Beggars.

I’ve become so trusting of small town values the only time I lock my car is when my keys are in there and I'm not.

• I turn 53 today. That means anyone who still calls me middle aged fails to appreciate the confluence of actuarial tables & basic math.

• Roe v. Wade was a contentious SCOTUS case; Row v. Wade is more of a boating matter.

• Try and model your posture after positive punctuation. Be a walking exclamation point, not a question mark.

• I’m eager to find a website that archives audios of man’s greatest speeches, but said in the voice of Elmer Fudd. Yes, I have a dweam.
• I become furious anytime I check into a Best Western hotel and can't find "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence" on TV. 

• I propose they rename phone book "The Big Book of Names & Numbers of People You Don't Know, Will Never Meet & Will Never Call.

• What did cavemen call house flies?

• Drinkers who believe their bladders are half empty are pissimists.

• Surprised to learn Yoko Ono is the same age -- 83 -- as my Mom. Mom isn't perfect, but at least she never broke up The Beatles.

• Why did the grass farmer cross the road? To get to the other sod. 

• What will you do if you get to heaven and you've lived such a sin free life the only ones there are you, God and Jesus?

• I know I'm the only one who cares, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wondering just why the hell Jimmy cracked corn.

• I know nothing about rigors/finances but from what I can discern about him cheerleaders at Trump U. must be smokin' hot. 

• If they gave the death sentence for killing time could you live forever? 

• Podiatrists with empty appointment calendars are light on their feet.

• How much less crowded with the afterlife be if instead of a stairway to heaven, the worthy are forced to ascend a ladder?

• Scott Kelly is today the most interesting man on the planet because it's been one year since he's been on the planet. 

• It would have been fun to see look on Mark’s face if Scott returned to earth with a full head of hair. #yearinspace 

• How come I've never seen a pudding recipe that includes proof?

• It’s good to pray to God to change the world. It's better to use all your God-given powers to change the world.

• Latrobe, Pa., should host America's first true slugfest! Featuring actual slugs!

• Locksmiths make surprisingly good cooks. They never forget the key ingredient.

• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy.

• You know you're no longer middle aged when you realize the pile of diapers you'll change is smaller than the ones you'll wear. 

• Sometimes -- and it doesn't happen often -- I forget the greatness of Tom Petty. Then I listen to Tom Petty.

• One of the most cherished military maxims about always fighting the last war is dead wrong. There'll never be a "last" war.

• Which will soar higher on National No One Looks in Mirror Day: our productivity or collegial revulsion at seeing our natural looks?

• Dressmakers who grow their own cotton sew what they reap. 

• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• It infuriates me when I realize I'm 53 and my idea of a really great day is one that involves me finding a quarter. 

• A spritely Irish elf is a leprechaun. A 3-card scam that ends up with a whole hand on the table is a leper con.

• It had a handsome leading man, an earnest sidekick and international intrigue. But Ohio Five-O never caught on. Oh, and it had corn.

• People say "not a snowball’s chance in hell,” like they know Hell’s forecast. Listen: In my hell there will be tons of snow.

• Side effects that involve 4-hour erections should be called front effects. #Viagra

• Too many people who bury the hatchet immediately start trying to remember where they put the shovel.

• News that #Anonymous has hacked Trump has me thinking if this happened while he was president he'd right now be carpet bombing the Internet.

• If marriage is so great then how come there isn't a Mrs. God?

• Fans get into arguments over who's better: Paul McCartney or John Lennon. Does this happen with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley?

• I wonder how long it'll be before the number of earthlings living in space outnumbers the number of earthlings living on earth. 

• Honesty without tact is like brain surgery without anesthesia. The procedure might work, but the complications can kill.

• I’d like to see Hollywood announce it was releasing what it calls a period movie and have it be solely about punctuation. 

• RIP #GarryShandling. I guess this means Hank's gonna have to host.

• Sure, George Washington was an inspirational leader and visionary for revolutionary liberty but I'll bet he can't drive like I can.

• I wonder how many times designers of the first drawing board had to go back to the drawing board before getting it just right.

• Please help me resolve this 4-decade old conflict: Is it mum or is Grease the word? 

• I wonder if attending church is mandatory in heaven or if that's considered sort of redundant.

• Do police ever charge The Energizer Bunny with battery?

• What’s it say about my musical appreciations that George Harrison was my favorite Beatle, but only fourth favorite Wilbury?

• Daughter, 9, thinks Coachella Music Festival is a music festival run by a coach named Ella.

• I miss good music and simpler times but I'm most nostalgic for the day when I didn't know your politics and you didn't know mine.

• I’m convinced we could end world hunger if for just one summer USA agreed to cease all competitive eating contests.

• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.

• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.

• Many people say they want to be writers when what they mean is they want to be either John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

• How massive is my ego? When daughter, 15, is in car texting to friends I believe she is writing, "My Daddy is the greatest!”

• A good warm bath is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.

• I hope next week Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration.

• The wave of vast emptiness I felt realizing that Mick is 72 and will one day die eased somewhat with realization Keith never will.

• Most perplexing aspect of my existence is how I can go from being so popular at the bar to being unpopular at home w/out getting the bends.

• Realized I was wrong to wonder which historical likeness Trump will bump from Rushmore when he's prez. He’ll bump and replace all. Mt. Trumpmore will be more Trump! 

• Facebook is like what happens in junior high school classes when the teacher leaves the room to sneak a smoke.

• It’s often said of snowflakes no two are ever alike, but what about popcorn? Needs further study. Too bad I eat most of my popcorn in dark.

• Which is the greater cultural irony: Roger Daltry still singing, "Hope I die 'fore I get old," or Madonna still singing, "Like a Virgin?”

• I have to imagine the swear box in Hell is always full, but what sorts of public improvement projects get the proceeds?

• I like it when restaurants use sandwich boards to promote sandwiches.

• It feels contradictory even to me but I truly hate people who truly hate. 

• I wonder if anyone in the Lewis & Clark expedition ever complained about things like being lactose intolerant.

• We live in a time when many people aren't truly happy unless they're truly angry.

• Toy mermaids must have doll fins.

• Walls are so ugly. I'd like to see Trump announce he'll install a border-long invisible fence and persuade Mexicans to wear shock collars. And Mexico’ll pay for the collars!

• I’m good friends with about 20 true morons and it absolutely infuriates me their votes count just as much as mine.

• The only way curmudgeonly old dogs could be more lovable is if they succumbed to male pattern baldness

• It’s taken 15 years but www.ChrisRodell.com is finally becoming more like Chris Rodell. What could go wrong? 

• We should distribute phone numbers in order of importance. It’d be fun to watch Trump argue that he, not God, should be #1.

• Often the things we most want are the things that’ll kill us the quickest if we were given unrestricted access to them.

• Told daughter, 9, Rodell is actually spelled with three Ls. "The second one's silent, but the third one is silent AND invisible.”

• Put the word "Horny" in front of any two-word news subject and it becomes the name of a great punk band. Re: "Horny Amish Housewives”

Many writers are on shoe-string budgets. Me, I can't afford shoes with strings. I guess that means I'm on a flip flop budget. 

• Maybe I'm superstitious, but I only buy things like thyme, basil and sage from farmers named Herb.

• The idea of being a lab rat must seem so prestigious to rats so it must be a cruel disappointment when they learn what it involves

• Asked 9 year old if she knew difference between carpenter bees and regular bees. Said carpenter bees have the tiny tool belts.

• All my life people have been telling me, "Chris you can't do this. You can't do that." They've been right about 90 percent of the time.

• I wish in the interests of polite society that people described as lightning rods attracted actual lightning.

• It’s probably because of my years at Ohio University I drink responsibly whenever I should and irresponsibly whenever I can.

• Store receipts getting so long it is now be possible to wrap new toaster in new toaster receipts.

• How come the only ones who seem to get to blither are idiots? I'd just once like to see a blithering weatherman.

• Families are God's way of proving we're incapable of helping even those we love the very most.

• The reward of soothing mediocrity is among society’s most addictive painkillers.

• I’ve made a bold decision: I'm living the rest of my life in italics!

• She’ll deny it, but my wife just hasn't been herself since Heisenberg died. #BreakingBad

• Devotees of irony rejoice! Today we honor as a disciple of peace, a man who got famous beating the living crap out of others. #AliFuneral

• How much more advanced will humanity be when we select mates based on intelligence instead of how nice one’s ass looks in tight jeans?

• I’ve done like the financial wizards advised. I've had nest eggs. The problem is they've always hatched and flown away.

• Never forget: A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's whimsy and wonder. Bourbon works wonders.

• I propose they rename phone book "The Big Book of Names & Numbers of People You Don't Know, Will Never Meet & Will Never Call.”

• I’ve become so trusting of small town values the only time I lock my car is when my keys are in there and I'm not.

• I wonder if Jesus and God do anything special for Father's Day.

• Ham radios will resume their popularity when they're constructed of ham. 

• News reports of a local home being ransacked always make me wonder if the suspect is Santa, a man who runs with sacks.

• Today I feel like a futurist, but I predict the feeling will pass.

• It’d be a useful gauge of the woman's native optimism to learn if Carly Fiorina is still introducing herself as Ted Cruz's Veep.

• I wonder if Satanists, like other special interest groups, resent being demonized or consider it a badge of honor.

• The AK 47, one of the deadliest guns ever made, is capable of firing 600 bullets per minute. And right now someone is working on an AK 48.

• It bears repeating: Rhode Island isn't even Rhode Isthmus.

• Daughter, 10, admits she was 3 before she realized my first name wasn't "Daddy." What did she think of all the other kids calling their fathers Daddy? “Copycats!"

• If we ever get another cat I'm going to encourage the kids to name it Copy. Copycat!

• I used to think they were called the wee-wee hours because they were the clock's smallest numbers. As I age I'm becoming convinced they're called the wee-wee hours because it's when many adults get out of bed to wee-wee.

• I wonder if warrior Indians were bummed when they went to scalp a warring paleface and found him to be, dang, bald.

• I’d like to see a boy named Morley engage a girl name Leslie and have them conceive a child they'll name Equally.

• My ego is so massive whenever I see my 15-year-old daughter texting in car I think she's telling friends, "My Dad's the greatest!”

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. Try and imagine how different people would look with rectangular nipples.

• Must be tough being a tour guide at Big Ben. They work 'round the clock.

• I like to check books out of the library and imagine I'm having a lively conversation about it with all the previous readers. 

• All you need to know about the taste possibilities of broccoli is no ones ever tried to smoke it or use it to make wine.

• The only thing that today exceeds our national inarticulateness is the number of megaphones possessed by all those who have nothing to say.

• I wonder if heaven is like life in that you like most people but sometimes duck down a different aisle to avoid them in the grocery store.

• From my observation, the canine equivalent of folk man's "5-Second Rule" is the "0.0005-Second Rule.”

• Anytime someone says “the mind boggles” like it’s some kind of rarity, point out that the majority of minds do more boggling than thinking.

• Understand when someone saves your bacon, they're saving it so they can eat it themselves later. Bacon makes people selfish.

• This will betray my warped priorities, but if my house is ever in an earthquake how long will it be before I can safely open a beer?

• I wonder how many times designers of the first drawing board went d'oh when they failed said "Oh, well, it's back to the old drawing board.”

• It doesn't surprise me when scientists say Earth's been rotating for 4.53 billion years. What surprises me is it's never started to squeak.

• I’m spending the day pretending I’m getting from place to place using an invisible steering wheel. Try it. Make screeching sounds on bends.

• True serenity cannot be achieved until you realize the senselessness of trying to change the minds of the mindless.

• I’ve given it a lot of thought and the only thing I can conclude is the hospitality phrase “break bread” predates common table utensils.

• Life for people who prefer vinyl records doesn't begin 'til 33 and a 1/3.

• Some great thinkers try and achieve mind over matter. i wish I could master mind over things that don't matter.

• It’s not something you’ll ever hear marriage counselors say but many marriages wind up in stalemate simply because they involve stale mates.

• As parents, the fruit of our loins inevitably becomes the apple or our eyes, even when they're driving us bananas.

• I’m convinced we in America could end world hunger if for just one summer we agreed to cease all competitive eating contests.

• I wonder how often Hell has Congeniality contests and how long it’ll be before Bill Cosby wins.

• I wonder if there are any sloths who are disparaged by other sloths for laziness. Like, “I may be a sloth but Phil, man, he’s really lazy.”

• Divorce rates will plunge when judges have discretion to make especially egregious husbands take maiden names of their ex-wives.

• Maybe the Rapture already occurred and God determined there were only like five or six Christians worthy of saving.

• News reports say Usain Bolt took 10 horny babes with him to his hotel room. If I was alone in a room with 10 babes I'd be the fastest man.

• Sometime when I'm pumping gas and feeling naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly. Just to stick it to The Man. 

• Because I'm an apostle of gross excess, I propose we have #Olympics once each year by adding Fall/Spring Olympics

• It’s hot out. We crank the AC. Cranking AC contributes to global warming so it gets more hot out. So we crank up the AC. Together we dance merrily to our dooms.

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall.

• New DeNiro #HandsOfStone movie has me thinking of starting an '80s tribute band called Roberto Duran Duran.

• Most people disagree with marketers who say breakfast is most important meal. We agree with dogs. Most important meal is next meal.

• News Russian hackers targeting NYTimes & other media elites can only mean one thing: time to build a wall around http://www.EightDaysToAmish.com !

• This may sound naive, but I have to think a brain-eating amoeba would be one of the world's most intelligent organisms.

• “Price is Right!” contestants represent a great cross section of America if all America were comprised of insane extroverts.

• Ryan Lochte would get off easy if judged by a jury of pee'ers. Situation still fluid.  

• I’m thinking of conducting a comprehensive study on marketing breath mints and calling it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs.”

• Being a world class juggler takes real balls. Or clubs, pins, etc.

• News that Trump is telling PA supporters to monitor polls has me thinking of voting multiple times. But telling thugs I'm voting Trump

• I’m so busy I dream of working in a spice factory so I could have access to a thyme machine.

• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

• Do brain-eating amoeba tell picky children it tastes just like chicken?

• As long as there are bugs/heat/noise, eating outside will always be overrated. In fact, outside is the reason years ago man invented inside.

• My soul aches for those who live under tyranny, but I feel even worse for those who reside in places so remote they can't get decent pizza.

• Because of the blatantly exclusionary composition of the mythical unit, I propose we henceforth spell harem, "herum." #arabianwomen

• I’d like to see a rock game show with Mick & Bruce that asks, "Who can say, 'Are you ready to rock?'" in most foreign languages. 

• I’m such a reflexive pacifist the only thing I instinctively kill is time.

• I’m petitioning to get the town name changed to Thebutt because it'd be funny to hear newscasters say, "A man was shot in TheButt.”

• The idea of car pooling the kids to swim practice strikes me as redundant, but maybe I'm just too literal.

• Confidence is being 76, looking like this — Roger Ailes — and thinking, yeah, women sleep with me because I’m just so damn sexy.

• People who worry excessively that their spell checkers are broken are typochondriacs.

• Try on this day to realize how much more beneficial it'll be to whenever you fixate on your smartphone to instead fixate on a loved one.

• People who stare at people who stand in lines are Wait Watchers.

• I’m so convinced I'll 1 day die of random gunfire I'm thinking of getting a bullseye chest tattoo just to give the morgue folks a good story.

• I have always resisted vasectomy on grounds every male may one day die & it'll be up to me to repopulate planet. Am I optimist or pessimist?

• I wonder if fruit flies ever tire of their holier-than-thou diet one day just say, "Screw it. Tonight I'm having cheeseburger!”

• Does the CIA consider it a red flag when countries choose to fly red flags?

• Anyone know if the police have ever charged The Energizer Bunny with battery?

• I hear in my mind every single time I pass through sets of sliding glass doors the theme from "Get Smart." It buoys me.

• Huge faux pas with a friend I hadn't seen in years. Asked when the baby was due. So embarrassing. Not sure Burt'll ever speak to me again.

• I wonder if attending church is mandatory in heaven or if that's considered sort of redundant.

• Dressmakers who grow their own cotton sew what they reap.

• Scientists declare earth is 4.54 billion years old. My question: when is it's birthday? Earth Day?

• I wish Bishop Desmond Tutu had a son named Bishop Desmond Tutu so Bishop Desmond Tutu could be called Bishop Desmond TuTu II.

• The easy way isn’t always the right way, but it’s always easy and that’s alright with me.

• The song "Still Crazy After All These Years" would have way more musical validity if it'd been written by Ozzy Osbourne.

• I’ll bet there are many days each week when Dick Cheney wakes up and is stunned to realize he's no longer President of the United States.

• Because I'm reluctant to do anything that might contribute to drastic climate change, I'll no longer sign off notes with warm regards.

• As a believer in American equality, I don't miss Jim Crow; as a believer in American folk music, I do miss Jim Croce.

• I’m so non-violent I refuse to tell jokes that include punchlines.

• The idea of a stairway to heaven is ingrained in our collective psyche, but if there isn't an escalator, geez, my Mom ain't gonna make it.

• Your life will be more fun if you don't judge new friends on their virtues, but instead on their potential compatibility as cellmates.

• Bruce Springsteen has money, adulation and legacy. Yet he still suffers from depression. Only thing I can figure is he's never seen The Muppets.

• If Tom Petty was starting out today guaranteed some record exec would insist he change his name to Tom Magnanimous.

• Perhaps the word "plans" is an acronym standing for "Purposeful Lists Amounting to Nothing Special.”

• Daughter, 10, expressed frustration our canine can't yet be considered a watch dog. Told her to give it time.

• The fact is repugnant to animal preservationists, but at one time someone some where said: "Try this. It's delicious! It's panda!”

• All global warming solutions are earth-centric. I propose we cool the sun. Can someone calculate just how much ice we're gonna need? 

• I wonder how often Hubble-telescope monitoring astronomers catch themselves humming, "I can see for miles and miles and miles …" #TheWho

• Ever-present distractions & video substitutes, for the first time in history humans are at risk of engaging in deliberate illiteracy.

• It may be that I'll always be broke, but by God I'll never be broken.

• I wonder if parents of boys born above the Arctic Circle ever struggle with the illogic of naming the fair-skinned child Tanner.

• Being "left to their own devices," once a stinging form of social abandonment, is now the preferred human activity.

• I’m one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble God could ever believe in me.

• I’m eager to find a website that archives audios of man’s greatest speeches, but said in the voice of Elmer Fudd. Yes, I have a dweam.

• I wonder if in the interest of modernity Fairfax, Va., is thinking about becoming Fairtext, Va.

• I wonder if in heaven all the movies are G-rated because that's a potential flaw.

• I’m confused about pejorative origins of the word “hardship.” Hardship should be good. History would be different if Titanic were a hardship.

• I know it's going to lead to trouble, but I can't resist putting lit matches under ears of strangers & asking, "Are your ears burning?”

• My failures have been so persistent my delusions of grandeur have become delusions of mediocrity.

• Any time anyone tells me I'm good listener I want to say, really, I'm just good at smiling and nodding, but all I do is smile and nod.

• Given our societal lasciviousness, I'm surprised I've never seen shirt buttons that look like stiff nipples.

• How did ammunition get shorted to ammo instead of ammu? Is a word pronounced "am-MOO" too bovine for tough guys?

• I sometimes ask myself if I drink too much. I usually say no. I do this out loud and using two different voices like I'm on stage. 

• A woman decides with in 5 seconds whether or not to have sex with a man? That's a lie. I've been married 20 yrs & my wife's still not sure.

• I wonder if there are any bell & whistle stores that boast they sell bells & whistles with all the bells & whistles.

• It’s now been 10 days. So this is the longest Arnold Palmer's gone without signing an autograph in 60 years.

• In the future, early voting will become so popular elections Election Day will be unnecessary.

• Just realized: For the first time in my life, I can probably beat Arnold Palmer at golf - but he'll still have to give strokes. 

• Some succeed by digging deep hopes to remove precious metals. If I ever succeed it’ll be ‘cause I’ve dug many shallow holes & planted seeds.

• In the future, "stupid" will be spelled "stoopid" so we can add additional "o's" to illustrate the degree of stoopidity.

• Haven’t had so much as a cold in years. I'd say I was healthy as a horse if I could verify horses suffer from occasional hangovers.

• Just occurred to me: Elvis Presley & Arnold Palmer will be seated near each other if there are homerooms in heaven.

• Ideas about how to advance more quickly through lines are queue tips.

• Saw an incongruous scene at Steeler game. Native American Indians in ceremonial dress dancing at scoreboard pavillion. #Yinzdians?

• In order to ease passenger nerves, I propose airlines hire only pilots named Landon so it'll sound like: "Your pilot today will be landin’"

• It’s your past. Make it as colorful as you wish. I say I put myself through college working as a male stripper.

• How sizable would the yard sale be if you had access to all the stuff enemies through-out your life told you to shove up your ass? 

• A gym beam requires steady footwork. A Jim Beam isn't nearly as fussy.

• Lovebirds are fine, but it's too narrow a description for many personalities. There ought to be lovedogs, lovelizards, lovemonkeys, etc.

• I figured out why Earth is such a mess: It's bi-polar!

• Those who obsess over audacious bucket lists go beyond the pail.

• The pessimist bemoans all the traitors who've thrown him under the bus. The optimist thinks one day he'll make a really swell bus mechanic.

• What is it about the language that makes "The Steel Curtain" sound so much more fearsome than "The Steel Drapes?”

• People who say revenge is a dish best served cold fail to realize if revenge had a drive-thru traffic would be lined up for miles.

• I’m still mystified why more transgender people don't congregate in a Wisconsin town named Sheboygan.

• We hear lots about Jesus as the Son of God. I wonder about Uncle Jesus. Wouldn't it have been cool to say Jesus was your Uncle?

• People convicted of road rage offenses should be sentenced to master and when possible go from here to there via tap dance.

• Because fickle publishing industry insists it is looking for timeless books, my next novel is going to be about a broken clock.

• I like that the uproar over FBI director's decision was made by a man with nice hair whose name is pronounced COMB-ee.

• I wonder if Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen ever get into he-likes-me-better-than-he-likes-you arguments over Bob Dylan.

• I think my problems earning a living stem from too early and too well realizing the utter folly of the sacrifices it takes to earn a living.

• I’ve decided against asking friends for weather nickname -- Thunder! Hurricane! Squall! -- when I realized they'd call me "The Drought."

• Just voted! My first early vote ever. Very satisfying. I wrote in the Rodell-Rodell ticket for 2048. And they're already ahead! (picture of our daughters, ages 16, 10).

• If I've learned anything from watching TV today, it's to never taunt Moe when he has a board glued to his hands.

• I encourage all Americans to vote tomorrow! And drink, get laid, smoke some weed and do something to calm the hell down. We're obnoxious.

• Is it just me or does Dixville Notch sound like a fictitious town name in a cheap porno?

• Still seems like a dream. But it really happened. At one time, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison and Jeff Lynne sat down in the same room and said, "Let's start a band!” #wilburys

• It’s taken America 238 years, but the bully pulpit finally has an actual bully.

• You’ve lived in same small town too long when you realize you're personal friends with all the guys on the highway billboards.

• Electrical trade magazines are all about current events.

• I wonder if in ancient times there was a kid named Isosceles and he got bummed every time the orchestra teacher made him play the triangle.

• I just once would like to see a cliffhanger show end with a villain named Cliff ascending the steps to the gallows.

• I think people who speak with forked tongues would have fewer reasons to floss than those of us with spoon-shaped ones.

• Tending the various social media platforms I joined with the assurance I'd get ahead are combining to ensure I keep falling farther behind.

• It’s odd, I admit, how much I relate the Biblical Job when it's been a good 24 years since I've had an actual job. #TakeThisJob

• There are still many parts of the country where "Do you think rasslin' is fake?" is considered a sophisticated pick-up line.

• I admire vegans, but the chances of me giving up meat are about the same as me resuming my virginity.

• Experts say nude tourists are surprisingly affluent for people for whom description "deep pockets" does not apply.

• This is bound to sound naive, but could global warming be solved by everyone leaving fridge doors open for 15 mins a day? 

• Newspapers are too fuddy-duddy to ever acknowledge the inaccuracy, but "Letters to the Editor" should be called "E-mails to the Proof Reader.”

• I enjoy hanging with drunks ‘cuz you can tell same joke same way five times in one night and it’s always hilarious. Not so w/sober wife.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people would look if all our nipples were rectangular.

• Trump back pedaling on core issues has me thinking supporters will soon turn "Build That Wall!" into "Grow That Hedge!”

• I don't know why so many racists object to being called racists. It doesn't bug me when people call me a moron.

• I wonder if cavemen and women woke up each morning and asked each other how they slept or if they had other priorities. 

• I wonder if USPS supervisors ever feel conflicted about warning carriers against just mailing it in.

• I’m still wrestling with the idea of having to earn a living. Being born entitled me to living and, by God, I intend to truly live.

• I have to imagine a country named Togo has really great take-out food.

• Unforeseen climate change consequence is polar bears will soon need row boats. It's going to be toughest on row boat salespeople. 

• I’d take high road more often but I always get hassled by cops whenever they see a car as crappy as mine in nice neighborhoods.

• If I were in charge of adding automatronic Trump at Disney Hall ofPresidents, I'd have him admiring size of own hands during Lincoln speech

• I wonder if temperature in heaven is individualized or if some old ladies complain it's always too cold & bundle up in sweaters.

• I just positively verified the conspiracy theory that the truth is nothing but a rumor.

• Told daughter, 16, moment I no longer make her laugh is moment I stop trying to be funny. Her reaction means I have about 8 mins

• I wish I were a famous Hollywood director so one day I could shoot a scene with Robert Redford driving a red Ford. 

• If I were God there'd be no war, no injustice & every snowflake would be an identical smiley face. Who'm I kidding? There'd be no snow! 

• Understand as you go through life that the people who are often most difficult to love are the ones who need love most.

• I’m convinced the world won't be whole until everyone either has or is a doting grandparent.

• If I were any cooler the Weather Channel will be forced to factor my existence into all its climate change forecasts.

• What should they call those of us who prefer real, live Christmas trees to artificials? Saps!

• Headline says "Trump tells Vietnamese PM he wants stronger ties." Does he mean diplomacy or does he think tie quality slipping?

• It no longer makes sense telling anyone to go to hell. Sooner or later, hell comes to you.

• Sometimes I envy crustaceans. They never need a petty excuse to feel crabby. 

• I figured out a reason why Trump relies on his kids and not a conventional braintrust. It's because the man doesn't trust brains. 

• “Oh, there's no place like phone for the holidays!” (with picture of family staring at phones)

• The idea behind "pursuit of happiness" misleads. Find a comfy enough chair & pursuit becomes unnecessary. Happiness'll finds you.

• I’d like to see how a Geiger counter reacts if you take one to a Geiger family reunion.

• Val thought “Manchester by the Sea” a tragedy because all bad things happening to people. I thought it comedy because all the bad things were happening to Patriot fans.

• I wonder if the Bethlehem bullies ever taunted Jesus with the old "So you think you're better than me?" line.

• How come the only time you hear of a damsel is when she's in distress? I hope '17 is the year I see a damsel in, say, a laundromat.

• World’s greatest sales people must work for Spam. Think of the intrinsic hurdles they must overcome just to get calls/e-mails returned.

• Never in my wildest dreams thought I'd say this, but I’m starting to pray Trump calls George W. Bush for advice on how to run the country.

• My problem with nuts in a nutshell is that nuts come in shells.



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