Teaching history/current events to innocents

(1,052 words)

I remember being flattered my spring semester sophomore year when my history professor asked me to tutor a fellow student who was having trouble.

She was a local Athens girl, a farmer’s daughter and pretty. She wasn’t stupid. A junior, she’d just gotten confused by the tumult of the 20th century American history and needed someone to explain the complications.

I minored in history and the professor must have sensed I could offer insightful help.

We’d sit on the front porch at the rickety place I used to live and I’d explain to her all the shifting alliances and how America sailed the often turbulent seas of war and diplomacy.

I remember her asking a question that struck me as sweetly naive.

“Did World War II ever end?”

I told her yes, it did, but I could see why she’d think it hadn’t. I told her that we were engaged in a proxy war with the Soviet Union. I said it was ideological and that battles were always raging around the planet in one place or another and that war seemed to be an inevitable part of the human condition.

Then we made out.

It was great. Really, I don’t know why I didn’t right there declare an end to my writing ambitions and pursue becoming a history professor.

I remain fascinated by history, an interest I impart on my daughters. But sorting it out is as confusing now as it was then, so here’s a helpful guide based on some of the questions about wars past and present I’ve recently discussed with my youngsters:

KIDS: Who started World War I?

DADDY: It’s complicated, but the Germans had a lot to do with it.

K: Who started World War II?

D: The Germans.

K: Are Germans bad?

D: At times over the past 100 years, no one on the planet has acted with more pure evil than Germans.

K: Isn’t mommy’s family German?

D: Yes, but try not to read too much into that.

K: Who wanted Germany to win World War II?

D: The Japanese were big fans.

K: Are the Japanese evil?

D: At times over the past 100 years, no one on the planet has acted with more pure evil than the Japanese.

K: Do we still hate the Germans and the Japanese? 

D: No, we’re international BFFs.

K: How’d that happen?

D: Our leaders decided after the WWII that a generous peace made more sense than the spiteful kind imposed on Germany after World War I. Plus, we found someone new to hate.

K: Who was that?

D: The Russians.

K: What’d they do?

D: They became friendly with the Germans during World War II.

K: Ooh, that was bad.

D: Yes, but then they decided they didn’t like each other and went to war against each other right in the middle of World War II.

K: What happened then?

D: We became fond of the Russians because they were helping us kill Germans.

K: When did we stop liking the Russians?

D: Almost immediately after the Germans cried uncle.

K: What happened next?

D: The godless Russians became our most bitter enemy for the next 50 years.

K: Wow. That must have been a really terrible war.

D: No, we never fought.

K: Whew.

D: Yes, in a way, it was a relief. It was called The Cold War because America and Russia never really went at it. Instead, we encouraged smaller countries around the world to do the fighting for us.

K: Was that good?

D: It was unless you lived in places like Korea or Vietnam.

K: What about all this killing going on in Paris?

D: Well, that all stems from wars going on in the Middle East and it’s a bit more complicated than all that other stuff.

K: More complicated!

D: I’m afraid so.

K: Can you give us the simple version?

D: I’ll try … a group that calls itself the Islamic State killed a bunch of people in Paris because they mistakenly believe they can scare everyone into bending to their medieval ways. They started a religious war in Syria where revolutionaries tried to depose Bashar Al-Assad for his cruel rulership. ISIL is like al-Qaeda in their violence, but ISIL and al-Qaeda hate each other almost as much as they hate innocent Parisians. These bad al-Qaeda guys rose to prominence for the 9/11 attacks that killed 3,000 Americans. They were in Afghanistan so went there to kill them, but we decided we also needed to go to war in Iraq because rigged intelligence convinced the bone-headed neocons Saddam Hussein made a sporting target. We’d previously been to war with Hussein, a bloody butcher, in the 1990s, about eight years after we were cheerleading Hussein, the same bloody butcher, in his war with Iran which even though it’s spelled almost like Iraq and they’re neighbors have had historic trouble getting along. Now the war is spreading to Lebanon where Hezbollah is eager to de-stabilize the government in the hopes it’ll lead to more authority in the West Bank and the Palestinian territories where the United Nations in 1948 created a Jewish state to preserve the future of the people the Germans tried to annihilate in Europe, but whose imposed presence has now for nearly 70 years infuriated people in Egypt, Syria, Iran, Iraq and other gulf states for years enriched by oil money. And now it looks like the people of the United States, Russia, Germany, France, Japan, Great Britain and other nations where people enjoy things like secular liberty, ice cream and Muppet movies are going to get together to kill all the bastards before they can kill all of us.

K: And where exactly is all this happening?

D: In the land where God sent Jesus to announce peace on earth, goodwill toward men.

K: One more question.

D: Yes?

K: Didn't you once say the most evil organization on the planet was the New England Patriots?

D: I did.

K: Is that no longer true?

D: It remains factual, but our priorities are under a necessary shift. We have some business to take care of, but I promise we’ll one day get back to when bringing down the Patriots again needs emphasizing. 

Related . . . 

bin Laden death round-up

Why’d bin Laden dye his beard?

Death to Gaddafi

Memorial Day thoughts on war and great war movies

Still waiting for an Iraq War apology

Veteran’s Day, the typhoon & other acts of God (& man)

Iranians heart Valentine’s Day

The 12th Post: A blog on bloggin'

This is the 12th post of the 11th month of the second year I’ve been blogging. That makes this the statistically proper 225th post for an average of about 12.5 per month.

It’s significant in that it hints at solid commitment, like I’ve vowed to take on a job and stick to it. That’s something I stopped doing for purposes of actual income way back in 1992.

I try and write three times a week. I’ve never done fewer than 10 per month and once did 15.

Committing to writing a blog is like having a goofy imaginary friend with multiple dependency issues. You can’t abandon it for too long or it might die from lack of attention. But like having a needy friend, you spend a lot of time wondering if the damn thing’s holding you back from more productive pursuits and wondering if, geez, would anyone really care if the SOB just died?

I started blogging in May 2008 when there was no resounding outcry for my work. I started with zero readers, but did it to satisfy the myriad voices in my head, which is increasingly beginning to seem to me like that lawless border region where Osama bin Laden is thought to be hiding.

Like the Afganistan/Pakistan border, my head is populated by a diverse and often war-like collection of tribes that seem to sensible Western minds like they’re contributing nothing of value to the modern world.

I know some writers who say they hear voices in their heads that drive them to write, to create, to opine. The voices in my head say things like, “Psst, ‘The Price is Right’ Showcase begins in 10 minutes,” “Would you like today’s Happy Hour session to conclude at 6 or 9 p.m?” and the always-helpful grooming tip, “Time to trim the nostril hairs!”

The clear trend in all writing is to reduce coherent thought to microscopic declarations. Twitter is booming in popularity by capping each utterance at 140 characters.

I continue to languish in obscurity by writing many posts that exceed 1,400 words.

I make no apologizes. I come from a newspaper background where I was shackled to precise page one spacial penitentiaries. I remember working on deadline about a major cocaine bust for the old Nashville Banner.

I dashed off 10 concise column inches that told the tale with snappy dispatch. The frantic editor screamed he needed four more inches of story or else there’d be a gaping hole of white space on the front page.

I told him that was impossible. I’d exhausted every fact and anecdote about the arrest.

“Then, goddammit,” he barked, “gimme four inches on the history of cocaine!”

So, now electronically liberated, I refuse to bend to the Twitter tyranny. I’ll write for as long as I feel like.

Sometimes, just for the playful spite of it, I’ll even write the same sentence twice.

Sometimes, just for the playful spite of it, I’ll even write the same sentence twice.

I know I could do things that might increase the efficiency of the blog. I could employ a tracker to chart how many people are actually checking in and what interests them.

But if I found out most of my readers liked it when I wrote about sports, I’d have to deaden my brain with arcane stats and team trends.

Or if I found out most of readers cared about politics and considered me a Beltway-worthy pundit, then I’d be compelled to throw myself in front of a speeding bus.

Lately, I’ve been surprised to hear from a happy surge of readers who lead me to believe my constituency is composed entirely of people hooked on recreational hug drugs like Ecstacy. I’d never advocate such illicit consumption unless the drugs’ sole side effects was excessive gushing about me.

I understand it’s important to be concise, but every time I have what I think is a 350-word post, something inspires me to double down.

Like now. I thought I could get this out in 400 words and here I am pushing 800 yet again.

I don’t care. We’re all at liberty to write for as long as we care to or at least until the little voice in our heads tells us, “Pssst, ‘The Price is Right’ Showcase begins in 10 minutes.”

Until that happens, I’ll stop when I damn well feel like it or when it seems to make the most sense.

Like now.