Aged Oscar thoughts & recent tweets

It’s been two nights and I’m still startled awake by nightmares that 94-year-old Kirk Douglas is in my room trying to present me an award for best supporting blogger.

That was the Oscars that was supposed to appeal to a youthful audience?

Producers must assume everyone born after 1980 are morons who can be pandered to by pretty young hosts who chirp “Twitter!” “FaceBook!” and “App!” every seven minutes.

I don’t know why we expect so much from an Oscar telecast when the only industry more historically disappointing than the movie industry is the one that makes ugly gas guzzlers in Detroit.

I have a lot to say about the issues raised by the Oscars, in particular, the age issue. I’m itching to talk about it because for the next few months I’m perfectly middle-aged.

I just turned 48 and my late grandfather lived to be 97. By that narrow calculus, I’m right at the peak of middle-agedness, so I’m perfectly neutral in regards to bashing both the too young and the too old. I need to seize the opportunity while it remains ripe.

But, of course, I can’t do all that now, not while I’m trying to keep up with every Charlie Sheen interview. So here’s another hybrid blog/twitter post -- and shouldn’t use of those two words get me trending with 20-somethings?

For those keeping score, I haven’t done one of these lazy hybrids since December 16. And I don’t know why I feel the need to defend laziness, something I often celebrate here and whenever I succumb to its sedentary temptations.

• Truly, Kirk Douglas’s appearance was scarier than some of theatrical entries in the the special effects categories. Having him present might have worked if they’d have put him in some context to show the kiddies what a great actor and dashing gent he once was. But having him out there in his condition was a mistake. It looks like he underwent some sort of nonagenarian plastic surgery, which ought to dissuade other nonagenarians from seeking the procedure.

• A nonagenarian is a person between 90 and 100 years old. I had to look it up.

• James Franco was a bore, but Anne Hathaway did nothing to diminish my love for her. In fact, if I were producing the Oscars next year, I’d rehire her and tell her to spend the entire three hours looking soulfully into the camera while the winners were announced on the crawl below her angelic face. 

• Part of me is hoping Charlie Sheen can truly heal himself. Addiction is a very serious problem and Sheen seems to have most of the ones I’d have if I were him. But treating addiction has become too big an industry that seems to encourage addiction.

• I’d rather hear what Keith Richards has to say on Charlie Sheen’s addiction than Dr. Drew.

• Interested in seeing my recent msnbc.com story on great city slogans and why they work? Check it out right here. 

• Know of any good blogs or want to recommend your own? Please forward the address and I’ll post here with the others. Don’t be shy. Only rule is you need to post at least once a week or it ain’t really blogging.

Here’s a handful of recent tweets  . . .

• How come Col. Muammar Khadafi has been Libya's absolute ruler for 41 years and has never been promoted? Maybe he's a humble tyrant.

• Just learned the people of Yuma, AZ, refer to themselves as Yumans. I plan to enter a 5K there so I can say I've joined the Yuman Race.

• My most irrational fear of aging is that one day people younger than me will have children older than me.

• Can anyone as habitually truant as I was ever be considered truly "old school?"

• The word for lies that resist fact and endure for mythological lengths ought to be "durabull." For example: "Fox provides durabull news."

• The next step in smart phone evolution is to include hardware like blades, scissors, etc. Yes, it's time for the Swiss Army Knife Phone.

• He was a great man, but does JP II really deserve sainthood? What'd he do besides act really popey?

• How come bread sticks don't grow on bread trees?

• Just met a man who on this chilly morning was wearing a musical bellows. He was dressed accordioningly.

Gotta run. I haven’t checked in an hour, but I think Charlie Sheen’s about to be interviewed again. Just for fun, I think I’m going to tune into the Cooking Network and watch until he appears. Shouldn’t be too long.

Happy Birthday Arnold Palmer!

Some admiring jokers started www.chucknorrisfacts.com to put a farcical spin on the B-movie actor’s fantasy exploits. Example: “When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t elevating himself, he’s pushing the earth down.”

It’s a hilarious bit of make believe.

In 2005, I was asked to do the daily timeline project on www.ArnoldPalmer.com and can now conclude what should be obvious to any fair-minded observer. And that is this:

The real Arnold Palmer makes even the make-believe Chuck Norris look like a candy-assed sissy.

Today is Palmer’s 80th birthday.

He declined an invitation to an interesting party this evening where some of his friends were going to salute him just for being such a great guy.

“I wish I could attend,” he told reporters, “but I’ve got some other things planned and I’ll be pretty busy that night. Sorry, I just can’t be there.”

The event? The opening night kickoff of the 2009 NFL season at Heinz Field. The Pittsburgh Steelers wanted to honor Palmer on one of the biggest nights of the year. They wanted to have more than 65,000 fans cheer him, watch video highlights of his career, and listen to heady praise of his lavish philanthropy.

But he has something better to do.

There’s an astounding humility in that polite little no thanks. I’m guessing he’s going have a small party with friends at Latrobe Country Club, but how many of our celebrities could resist the opportunity to have their already-massive egos stoked by having a crowd of that size blow kisses at them?

All America should feel better about itself today knowing we produced a man like Palmer and that he continues to thrive and inspire.

Unlike Norris, who’s becoming more famous for popping off on far right causes that embarrass even mainstream conservatives, facts about Palmer are, well, facts.

I know this because for two years it was my job to go through more than 50 years of newspaper and magazine clippings about Palmer and note what he did each and every day of his life.

As of today, the Timeline has more than 1,200 noteworthy items.

As everyone knows, he is one of the greatest golfers who’s ever lived. But a charming alchemy of small-town grit, old-fashioned good manners and heaven-sent good fortune have made his a life unique in American history. Many presidents may admire Sandy Koufax or Cal Ripken, but that doesn’t mean they’ll ever invite them to the White House to play catch.

But it’s different with golfers. And it’s different still with Palmer. That helps explain why former President Dwight D. Eisenhower showed up at Palmer’s house to surprise him on his 37th birthday on this day in 1966, and why Bill Clinton told biographers in 2000 that one of the greatest perks of being POTUS is the “opportunity to play golf with Arnold Palmer.”

An accomplished pilot who still flies his own jet, Palmer set an aviation world record on May 19, 1976, when he circumnavigated the globe in a Lear 36 in less than 58 hours.

Kirk Douglas said in 1970 that no one -- not Sinatra, John Wayne or Ronald Reagan -- has more charisma than Palmer.

He has a popular drink, The Arnold Palmer (half lemonade/half iced tea), named after him and the concoction is recognized by hip Manhattan waitresses who have no idea who Arnold Palmer is. In addition to the drink, two entire hospitals, a national golf museum, a regional airport, a PGA golf tournament, fancy club rooms and charity initiatives and scholarships too numerous to tally bear the name Arnold Palmer.

John Paul Newport of the Wall Street Journal wrote this week, “Lasting popularity of Palmer’s magnitude simply cannot be explained.”

It’s a safe bet that today Palmer will celebrate his birthday by playing some golf, laughing with some children, hugging loved ones, joking with buddies, being bold and doing something to help someone needy.

Let’s all try and join him in doing just some of the same. It’s life the way it ought to be lived.

All, but you, Chuck Norris.

You can just sit home in the dark and maybe dream about what it would be like to be a real man.