A mishmash of Holiday & news related items

• I hate it when I post just three times in one week, but I enjoy it when I wake up and don’t feel any nonsensical obligation to post. So today’s a compromise item post. Scan at your leisure ‘cause that’s how I’m writing ‘em.

• I might be the only person in the world who is chagrined Martin Shkreli is under arrest. I was hoping we could kick him around a little longer. I have a compelling part in my “Use All The Crayons!” talks comparing him with Dr. Jonas Salk who famously gave away the polio cure for free. Now it looks like I’m going to need a new bi-partisan villain. Here’s my September post about the saint and the scumbag.

• I had a great talk before a group of 30 Westmoreland County home ec teacher retirees. It was maybe my best delivery and certainly my most extemporaneous. They really loved me. It makes me feel so good to know my talks are making so many people happy. I have an Omaha gig on January 28 and am in line for about a dozen high-profile presentations. So going into 2016, I’m very confident things are going break my way. I’ll scatter some of the home run lines that really resonate with every audience. Like this … 

• “I remain amazed how many people go to church each Sunday and pray to God to change the world and then spend the entire rest of the week ignoring all the God-given powers we all have to change the world.” Up to then it’s mostly jokes. This line lets them know this the talk has some depth.

• I remain baffled by carrot cake. It’s not bad, but who’s the lunatic who looks at vegetables and thinks cake. Guaranteed, someone out there is trying to perfect a cucumber cake.

• I may or may not getting around to writing a post based on the following tweet: “How would rock and comedy histories differ if instead of John Lennon, Yoko had fallen for Moe from The Three Stooges?” Rather than a blog post, I may try and turn the line into an opera. I think it could be great and what a topic for philosophers.

• After watching the GOP debates, nearly every respectable commentator said the most thoughtful speaker, most reasoned debater and most intelligent presenter was Lindsey Graham. And not one of those commentators says Graham has a prayer of winning and that is one of the reasons why the GOP is right now such a mess.

• Know what it means when you hear “Hoo! Hoo!” in the trees this time of year? Owl be home for Christmas!

• I made that up. 

• I hit the Christmas wall on Tuesday. Our oldest daughter was performing with her middle school chorus group at the Overly Light Christmas display at the county fair grounds. I’ve just had too much Christmas. Too many carols. Too much merry. And not near enough booze. My biggest problem with the holidays is how it cuts into my already merry routine of seeing my buddies. If I don’t get out enough, I get really crabby. But we’re on the home stretch and I do love all the family time the next week will bring. 

• “Try and do something each and every day that’ll ensure all people will complain about how parking at your funeral was a real bitch.” That one gets re-tweeted a lot. It’s a nice line because it means your life’s cumulative good deeds will result in inconveniencing your mourners. Plus, it includes a surprise profanity and profanity is always electrifying.

• I haven't seen a single picture of terror suspect Enrique Marquez where he wasn’t wearing some real goofball grin. It’s rare you see a picture of a terrorist looking at all happy to have ever been alive. Marquez looks like he was always having a ball, a real party guy. I think he’s going to make someone a really great cellmate.

• Many people feeling euphoric over the “Star Wars” release. I hear it’s a great movie, but I can do without the hype and if any of you show up in one of my bars wearing a wookie costume, you’re going to get pounded. I’m not into sci-fi.

• I say I’m not into sci-fi, but I believe in the future childbirth will be done using the same “Star Trek” technology Scotty used to beam Capt. Kirk back and forth around the universe. The baby will go from the womb straight into Mama’s loving arms!

• “The main difference between men and women is women stare into mirrors and see flaws no one else can detect. Men stare into those same mirrors and see perfection … no one else can detect.” I’m very proud of that line and it always gets a laugh. I think it applies to most any man and woman, but the inspiration for it is, of course, Val and myself.

• One of the most surprising things I know about myself is I acknowledge having a massive ego with zero foundational accomplishments.

• Knock Knock:

Who’s there?

Javier.

Javier who?

Javier self a merry little Christmas!

• I made that up, too. Maybe my massive ego is justified!

New record "Crayons!" book purchase: 270 to . . .

(903 words)

Two weeks after landing my biggest purchase, I’ve topped it yet again. The new benchmark is 270 copies of “Use All The Crayons!”

But unlike the one for 250 that went to West Virginia University 4H students, I have no idea who’ll be buying these books.

I’m not even sure of the states in which they’ll be sold. It’s because the purchaser is not a group or an individual.

It’s Barnes & Noble.

I’ve had some friends say I need to think about writing a book about how I got this book to become a success, assuming, of course, that it’ll ever become a success.

I’m fairly confident that’s just what’s going to happen. And if that does happen, I can pretty much be sure it’s going to be as thick as a car battery. “War and Peace” will seem like a trifle compared to “Blockbuster or Bust” or whatever title I eventually settle on.

This is taking forever, isn’t it?

I tell people the book is really taking off and it’s just that it’s a really, really long runway.

Remember, it was August 2012 when I got the letter from Barnes & Noble’s Small Press Department in New York informing me they were going to order my book to stock on their shelves, a very rare occurrence for any self-published book.

And they were going to start with 10 copies!

I remember reading that and thinking that had to be a typo. Didn’t they mean 10,000 copies?

I showed the letter to the community relations manager at my local Greensburg store — she’s wonderful — and she was ecstatic.

“Oh, this is tremendous news,” she said. “I’ve worked here for six years and get requests from writers like you about three times a week. This is the first one they’ve ever approved.”

With books like mine, the book really has to prove itself. Those 10 copies were sent to the Greensburg store and monitored to see how quickly they sold.

They sold out right way so they ordered 10 more. Then 20. Then 40.

The average self-published book sells just 100 copies. I sold that many at that one store in December alone.

Those robust sales got the attention of the local district manager who ordered the book sold in all 12 area stores, where they continued to do well. I’d visit each of the stores to say hello and thank them for selling my book.

Soon, thanks to friends and enthusiasts, the book was for sale in stores in Ohio, West Virginia and Connecticut.

Meanwhile, I continued to bust my ass selling it out of the trunk of my car at churches, libraries and civic clubs. 

And I kept hearing from far-flung strangers all around the country. They had to have my book — and they thought their friends needed it, too. Some would order two or three. Some 20.

The best was the woman in Illinois who just had to have 30 signed copies.

Wow, I said. You have that many friends?

“No,” she said, “I have 10 friends, but I want to give 20 to patients down at my local cancer treatment center. I’m sure they’re going to love your book.”

Blew me away.

And you by now must know about the insane reaction to my motivational speeches like the one I gave to those WVU students, one that was so over-the-top I justifiably slugged the YouTube video “greatest author ovation ever!”

So early this year, I thought it was time to re-approach Barnes & Noble about wider distribution. I put together a very snazzy package — similar to one that’s earning interest for my speaking gigs — and requested they consider ordering the book for all 661 of its stores.

Took them about two months to respond in a letter that was practically word-for-word what the 2012 letter said with one exception: The order was 27 times higher than two years previous.

So if they ship three copies to each store that’s 90 new stores across the land. How they arrived at that number I have no idea. I wish they’d be more forthcoming with details, but that’s their business.

Mine is to approach every sale like it’s solely up to me and no one else. I understand the book must continue to prove itself. I intend to help it along.

I’m spending this down holiday week writing personal letters to store managers all over America. The letters contain copies of the home office notification and requests that they stock my book and consider giving it some flattering prominence.

In short, I’m going to do everything I did in the Pittsburgh area except on a national scale. I think it’ll work.

If you’re so inclined, the next time you’re in your local Barnes & Noble, I’d appreciate it if you’d mosey on over to the self-improvement section and see if the book’s there. If it’s not, tell someone it should be. If it is, thank the bookseller on my behalf for selling it and ask them to feature the book in a place of prominence.

If they decline, offer to mow their lawn, wash their car, or spend the weekend babysitting their children, etc. Whatever it takes.

And if I can persuade even one of you to do even one of those things, then my dubious contention that I’m America’s foremost motivational humorist will enjoy a significant boost.

Related . . .

“Use All The Crayons!” a 10-star review

“Use All The Crayons!” unconventional marketing

Bullies, books & bikers

Arnold Palmer NOT attending my book signing

“Use All The Crayons!” now a modeled book