Friday, June 30, 2017

June tweets of the month!

This picture of me in my Tin Lizzy office was taken in '15 by my buddy Brian Henry. We spent the morning doing a bunch from all over this neat old landmark, which dates back to 1750. Sometimes when I'm feeling mischievous, I turn the "9" upside down so it'll confuse any deliverymen or women who come all the way up to the 3rd floor to deliver me an important package. This has never happened not even once.

Follow my tweets @8days2Amish. Have a great weekend!

• My great fear isn't that the Fascists will come to burn all the books. My great fear is that when the Fascists come to burn all the books our collective indifference will have rendered all the books irrelevant.

• In ongoing quest to prepare you and I for the afterlife, I will now devote the next hour to resolving if Heaven has time zones.

• Some men spend days solving complicated problems. I just came up with this: "A burp's just a fart that's afraid of the dark.”

• There will still be traffic in heaven, but there will be no more road rage.

• Those eager to see a hyphen in this sentence will suffer from dashed hopes.

• If violence is never the answer then what's wrong with us that we must again and again keep asking the question?

• Once again a bad guy with a gun is stopped by the same bad guy with the same gun.

• Eternity means having all the time all the time …

• Families are God's way of proving we're incapable of helping even those we love the very most.

• Daughter, 16, said she wants to have a big family. What she means is she wants to choose who's in her family.

• On 73rd DDay anniversary I wonder how they could be The Greatest Generation and still have raised so many jackasses like me?

• ”Eve of Destruction" is most harrowing protest song ever. Lyrics remain relevant. I'd like to hear a current re-release but sung by Muppets.

• William Shakespeare is a famous writer. William Shakesbeer is a guy you don't want to be next to at the party.

• I like that a man whose name is pronounced COMBy has really great hair. 

• Something expert Egyptologists are reluctant to admit: Most mummies were daddies.

• There’s no church in heaven. Purpose of church is to get people to be good so they go to heaven. In heaven, people already good & in heaven.

• I can look at any woman and know instantly whether or not their daddy was a tickler. 

• McCartney was an optimist, cheerfully convinced it would all work out. Lennon a pessimist, grimly sure of eventual doom. Who was right?

• I lied when I said I'd never disdain a prez the way opponents disdained Obama. Difference? My antipathy is based on character, not color.

• The whole arc of human history is bent on turning every luxury into a necessity.

• Always amused when officials at mass shooting du jour rule out terrorism. Like we're supposed to be relieved it's just some white dude.

• Dennis Rodman goes to NKorea & gets American released. Never thought I'd say this, but he brings stabilizing influence to US foreign policy.

• Given it involves our twin unhealthy obsessions of sports/politics I wonder how many are most upset 'cuz they have Scalise on fantasy team.

• Self-publishing book is like home schooling kid. You think you know better than pros & pray your work doesn't result in something moronic.

• Full disclosure: Anytime you see any writer use phrase "Full disclosure:" understand they're about to write self-important BS.

• Missing golfing w/ Dad on Father's Day. Golfing w/ Dad was to me like church is to other people only with beer and fart jokes.

• Many adamant about seeing Trump's taxes. Me, I'd appeal to his showmanship: Either show us your returns or what you look like w/out the wig.

• There are 310,800 hip replacements per year. Question: what do they do with bones. I fear I'm not as hip as I used to be and, well, you know.

• It must have been difficult for cartoonists to animate a bombastic character named Foghorn Leghorn & not show him cranking out a single fart.

• I wonder if parents of boys born above the Arctic Circle ever struggle with the illogic of naming the fair-skinned lads Tanner.

• Was feeling bad about not taking family to the ocean this summer when I realized no biggie. Oceans are coming to us. #climatechange

• In my quest to find people whose names make them perfectly suited for their occupations, I'm now searching for a farmer named Doug Root.

• This is bound to sound naive but couldn't we stall disastrous results of rising oceans by simultaneously lifting all big boats out of water?

• What if you get to heaven & find they were serious about  forgiveness & it's full of folks you with whom you got into Facebook fights over Trump?

• Am disappointed to learn Asheville, NC, was named after Gov. Sam Ashe and not piles of ash. Next question: Was Ashe a tobacco farmer?

• Cosby planning on holding "town halls" on sexual abuse. Now that sounds like it's bound to be a forum for reasoned debate.

• I wonder what kind of bureaucratic mayhem will result if they ever decide it's in our best interests to drug test our nation's pharmacists.

• Given temp trends, I predict within 10 years, our idea of an "adventure vacation" will be anything outdoors & above ground.

• In order to lend cerebral precision to your putdowns, descending order of IQ stupidity is Moron (50-69), Imbecile (20-49) & Idiot (below 20)

• It’s an interesting fact that the more we acknowledge our own human flaws the more slight become our actual flaws.

• I never dreamed I'd say this about a Commander 'n Chief, but forget impeachment. The man should be horsewhipped.

• I wonder what Socrates used to say when people asked him if he was ever going to get a real job.

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